Took day off work, took my girls clothes shopping. That is one you never get used to as a guy. I never know if what I get will be ok or not. I would hate to have them grow up in clothing that is terrible. But I do my best, and usually figure it out.
We had a text convo, started out as trying to figure out girls babysitting needs and then went to us. She started a bit, I think trying scratch for info. She just keeps saying she doesn't know. She did however say that she is not saying we won't ever try again, just that her heart is ready right now. I said I understand, and that not much I can do to change that. I will go back to leaving her alone some hopefully.
Seeing that statement though, it's almost like false hope. I will not read anything into it other than the fact it means we are not even close to anything right now. It alsos kicks the patients off a little bit though. Will have to try and work on that over the weekend.
Babysitting thing us really stressing me out. We cannot afford daycare, I have been using family and friends, but they getting very unreliable, not third fault, just normal facts of life happening. One has a new job, one has kid commitments of their own, one is already watching too many. Getting very frustrating with all of this.
The more I think about, "I'm not saying we will never try again, my heart just isn't ready today", it tells me to back off completely. Really let loose on everything, and see where it takes us. My patience has been wearing thin of late. I have been hard on myself, not sleeping well. And worried about money, kids, and time. It has finally caught up to me in a big way. I completely backslid with the text convo. Puts me at least a few months more behind the eight ball.
I need to get a keg of STFU, and throw my cell in the garbage. I think I just her stance softening until I pushed too hard on our texts. I was so proud of being patient for the last few weeks. A big part was thoughts of OM, but you know what, I was involved in a little tryst and if she is as well what can I really say. I made my words seem hollow, saying we cannot date others. I found out I was more hurt that she could talk to another man that wasn't me, and disclose personal details. Guess what, I did the same, and I pushed her into it by not listening to what I needed to hear.
I was reading some threads, and it hit me that yes I was lazy, complacent, and thinking it will all blow over. I never thought she would leave, never thought I would be alone. Here I am though, all do to not listening. I am thinking this has a lot more to do with me than her. My choices, my mistakes led to this. I can see the things she could have done, but really it was up to me. Now what do I need to do, make the positive changes. I haven't gotten angry in so long, truly not able to control my thoughts and rage. But the lack if sleep is taking it's toll.
The more I think about everything. It doesn't matter if she's softened at all on her stance. She has been texting so much more lately about stuff, but on occasion I find myself iniating some stuff. Usually once a week I will just send hope you are having a good day, testing a bit, sometimes something sometimes nothing, but I feel my expectations are lessening over time. I feel it's more me trying to show her that she is important not just to me, but just important. Right or wrong, I don't know, but I am going to back off for a few days and see if she starts anything contact wise. If not, I will continue the NC, until she does.
The exchange last night and this morning, was not healthy. It was more just a way for each to tell each other what we are feeling, but we both knew that already. I know she's not ready, and I know she knows I am standing for my family. I had been doing so good validating too, I think the reason she has started to talk more.
A lot if feelings the last few days of why am I doing this. Is it for my family for me, I keep coming back to my family. I don't care if I win or not, I want to be whole again, in a loving relationship. I think the thoughts come from me thinking is that really her, can I deal with her disease, can I really keep the changes I am making stick. I know I can if I want to, but the desire fluctuates somewhat. I broke down last night, was praying for guidance and help to figure out the right path. Hopefully someone is listening.
Interesting thing today. Was a friends D's first bday, my friend ended up mutual, W said she might come, but she has said that a lot. I said you know what I am going to look good in case, I shaved, neated up goatee, and put on cologne. Mind you, it was a swim party, and I was BBQ master. So I had on tennis shoes, tshirt and athletic shorts. But I picked a good tshirt. I don't wear cologne often, I have a 6 year old bottle in drawer. I think part of the depression over last couple of years led to not shaving enough, and not caring, anyway!!
She actually showed up, texted to say she was coming. She actually asked if I was okay with her coming, I said up to you? So glad I got gussied up a bit. She has a sinus infection so was tired and sore, along with disease. We had a good day though light convo, bill stuff, life stuff, kid stuff, no R talk. She did say per names three times though, it has been probably 5 months since she has said babe, and honey, today she said them twice each. Just a small step, but it was just a smooth flow, didn't seem that she tried to stop herself. In the past this would happen, try to correct and say my first name.
Does it mean much no, just a small step, but makes me want to keep trying the stuff I am trying to learn. Thanks for all the help to this point.
She texted a couple more times today asking if I knew phelps was swimming? I said yes I saw an article online. Then about the Ebola virus and bombing in Iraq. Things we were discussing earlier and the other day. Just another small step, I hope in right direction. It's amazing the feeling you can get when the WAS is the one to contact.
It's so easy to let the negative thoughts in. I was reading other threads and advice from vets. In similar situations to mine, and they all said why would it be time to do anything toward getting back. More than likely all the stuff she's doing now is just a lie, do not beleive them. It's easy to forget that, when you get a crumb and roll with it, at least in your mind.
How can you keep the PMA going, when you think it's all lies.
I am off the pity wagon today finally. Was feeling terrible for the last week, letting bad thoughts cloud everything. I even snooped a bit. Nothing there to see, but bit your mind can make up stuff. I no longer will be doing that. Did get a random text last night from wife.
We have 2 dogs, she hasn't seen since the week after she left, four almost 5 months ago. She said from Pinterest she saw a german shepherd(our dogs) mix with a husky. Even sent me a picture of it. Then said that she misses our dogs. All I said was, cool how cute, then she said Pinterest is the devil, and I said, yeah lol!! And that was it! Nothing more texted or said. I drop girls off tonight with her for a couple of days. Will be nice and charming and look good for the drop off, but try to act as if nothing is wrong in my world.
Dropped the D's off that night. It was funny, she was very chipper cracking likes even. The roller coaster is so hard to try and jump back and forth on. I know I need to stay off, but it's do hard not to want to grab back a hold of the handrail. I did go out to dinner last night, something new kind of. Instead of ordering take out at local Mexican restaurant, I went in and say down to enjoy a meal.
I was very surprised. I will sometimes get a shrimp chimichanga to go, hit and miss on goodness, but I think I found out that fresh is always better. It was the best meal I have had in a long time. No more take out, if I want that dish I'm going to eat there.
I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I am going to post my thoughts here as opposed to keeping them in or telling them to her.
I have come to really love my wife again. I miss the old her, the way she smiled, the way she made me feel, the way her eyes looked, her smell, everything like that. I know it's not there anymore, at least now.
There are so many things that I want to do. How can you make amends for sins, when you can't? My insides are going tipsy turvy, I think of all the bad things I did, and do I really deserve another chance. I do not want to give up, I can't imagine not having her at my side.
I know this is all wrong, but it's what I feel. I lied a ton during our marriage, and it feels so terrible to fake happiness, and act like everything is okay. It seems like lie to me. I want to trust her, I want to tell her I am sorry, I want to say it will never happen again. I don't believe that yet though either. I don't think I'm strong enough to do it yet. I just want happiness with her and my D's.
Sorry for the length, I just need to vent instead of hold it in. That's what got me here in first place.
