First post, confused

[asat82]

You are a true gem sandi, and you make me look back and find pieces that wife has hinted at what she wants. My W has actually said just that. She needs a strong person to be in charge and asked me to take charge in different things in the past year or so, and I just seem to recall all these things now. She also said it was a strong move and she respected that I told everyone at the house that I was taking my house back, and she has wanted me to be more "commanding" for lack of a better word in social situations as well.

It seems like my life experiences (military and my current job, still in military for 1 more year) have pushed me more in this non dominant and quiet self as I cant really talk about what I do. I know this is an excuse, so I have to get around this as soon as I can and start taking charge of other areas of my life as well. I have always been the best when I have been on top of my game, I just need to return to that and pursue my passions again.

Visiting a friend this weekend, and I started going climbing again today. I need to start writing music again and get out and play with more people. I know I can be so much more in this life, and now is my chance. Thank you again for the support sandi, I believe my wife is feeling and has felt exactly that, that I wasnt being the strong and confident man that she needed and knew I was and could be. More than that, I haven't been who I have wanted to be and it doesnt happen by just sitting around.

[asat82]

So I have had no contact since that evening she came over after I told her that I wouldn't live in an open marriage and she agreed to end things with him. She said that she would like to get together 1 day this week after she ended things with him. I dont know what to expect or if I should try to expect anything. I feel fairly certain that it will be D logistics, but who knows, maybe she will surprise me, she has changed so quickly in the past. I don't know if she has ended things with him or not as she has been visiting him all of this past week. I guess I will just have to wait and see, I have given up on doing any snooping as I do not think that would help me at all anymore, I know enough.

I have been reading 5 love languages and am debating on which languages my wife speaks. She wanted us to read this long long ago, before I knew there was a problem (couple of years ago) but didnt get too far with it. I wish I could go back and hit myself and tell the former me what I needed to do. I dont know if I should slowly try to reach out in one of those languages or just remain dark, but confident and pleasant only. I also watched some cheesy movie about a situation similar to mine with a happy ending that made me cry a good bit.

On to myself... I had a good time with my buddy hanging out at his business with just him, we got a good bit accomplished and spent the whole day there which let me get through a day without dwelling. It is hard not to wake up thinking about her. I seem to be able to control my thoughts more as the day goes by, but waking up she is always in my mind. Did some climbing this week, planning on going to a baseball game with a friend one day this week, and taking care of a lot of things in my small rent-a-room prepping for my trips and impending move back home after. Don't know if wife will be moving out immediately or not. I would hope not as it will give some time to show my 180s, which are hard to do while being dark.

Well back to reading some more 5 LL before getting up and going out for a bit to enjoy the day.

~asat

[asat82]

She called today to see if I could get together one night this week, hopefully tuesday she says. I told her I was going to a game one night this week and Im not sure what day yet.

She says we need to talk logistics of the animals and other house stuff since she will be gone (moved out) after I get back from my trip. This is when I told them (wife and 2 roomates) I was moving back into my house. So... what to do... was kinda hoping there would be a chance of having just us in the house for a change to try and show some 180s. Maybe this is good that she move out though idk. I don't know how to detach and separate when I still have hope.

I also don't know if she broke it off with OM like she said she would. Should I ask about this?

~asat

[asat82]

Wife called, my mail came in that I was needing, but then she talked for a bit, says that its over between her and OM, and was venting a little to me about looking for a new place to live and everything and some stress at work. I don't know how to take everything as she just got back from visiting him. I tried to validate, but remained firm that I still felt disrespected. She says she understands and doesn't want to hurt me.... I didn't try to reason with her, but wake up sister, you are hurting me with this.

We are still getting together Wednesday to talk, but not really sure what things I should focus on or stay away from. Im just planning on listening a lot and validating so far, but expressing how I am standing up for myself and still not okay with OM, but if things are over and it doesn't happen again, we can work on friendship then. idk what I should do.

[sandi2]

Breaking up with OM is just part of the hard work for her. She will have to go through the "withdrawal". That's when the affair partners backslide and contact each other. With every contact, it's like starting back at the beginning line of withdrawals.

I tend to be suspicious of a WAW in an A saying she's breaking up with her affair partner when she's been with him throughout the week.....after telling you she would end things with him. There's only one way to end an A.

Just be careful. Give this a lot of time to prove itself out. When she's really over the OM, I think you'll know it. But even if they "broke up", it doesn't mean she's over him.

So, just continue to be the best for you. Be who you want to be, and don't focus on wanting her to see your 180's. It's kind of funny how the word seems to get around about how you've changed. It's actually good that she hears about it, rather than you trying to show her in a short time. She will more likely believe the changes are sincere if others are seeing and talking about them.

[u-turn]

My W says she has tried many times to end it with OM but keeps going back. She is not in the position to end it cold turkey at this point (she works with him).

I've noticed that W is more attentive to me when things are going well for them (strange and hurtful).

I feel that if the affair is really over, she would announce it to me as a victory.
But that probably would not be how she would feel - only how I would feel.

[asat82]

some results and small changes from her... keeping at it and staying strong.

will add more later, but mutual friends here this weekend and now i am being invited to do things with her (before and after they are here as well) I have accepted one day, since i would love to see them

[asat82]

So I had a wonderful weekend, I had to turn down plans with my wife and the friends on Friday because I had other plans. She invited me out again on Saturday and we had a great time. I feel like this was a very much needed thing for us and for her to see how things could go. These were are ones we have known for quite a while and we all had so much fun together and she would always sit next to me on Saturday night and she jumped on my back as we were walking down the street, and she talked bad about her roommates (who I think have been a bad influence on her) multiple times throughout the evening, and there were never any bad vibes between us, the whole night was a blast.

And since we all got drunk she offered to drive me home with them to hang out more, I agreed as I couldn't drive. She told me that she would drive me back to my car in the morning as I had somewhere to bet, but they all invited me to hang out again Sunday afternoon before they flew out. We went back to the house and got some food and hung out and put in a movie, we all passed out, and she came and grabbed me to go down and sleep with her, which I did. It was just like old times and I wish these friends and any of our old friends were around. It really felt like she was trying to try things out and test the waters. I stayed friendly but didnt pursue or follow her around. I was just friendly to her like I was everyone else.

We had a good conversation without any relationship talk on the 30 minute drive to get my car the next morning and she told me to call her later so we can all hang out before our friends left.

Well we got together on Sunday after my plans were done, and we hung out for a bit and went out to eat. She sat right next to me even though there were 5 other open chairs and no one was nearby at the time. I'll take this as a positive as well. So I am trying not to get my hopes up, but I could sense that something was a bit different. I am leaving for out of town this Saturday and out of the country next Saturday. Question is should I remain dark still? Or should I try to open up a bit too her, I don't want to seem closed off, but Im pretty sure she knows that from what I have told her previously and how I was this weekend.

I just don't know what to do now, and I feel like I don't want to just ignore the momentum that happened, but I will if it is advised. She gave me a big hug as they were leaving to go to the airport and told me that she would talk to me this week before I went on my trip. I know she has been working Monday and Tuesday, but more than anything I want to just try to start rebuilding things anew after such a positive experience. Should I initiate any contact or just leave it.

Oh and I hung out with them all because I wanted to see the friends, it was just a bonus that my wife and I had a connection during this timeframe.

~asat

[asat82]

This post should be before the long one I just posted and it is all from before the weekend.

I can tell from how she has acted that she has broken things off with OM. We had a serious conversation on Thursday and she opened up a bit, still was saying that she was scared and wanted a divorce she thinks, but 3 times or so she verbally doubted that and hinted strongly that things may be better (she sees that I am truly changing in many ways I know it)

I continued to stand up for myself during the conversation and made it clear that I was taking care of myself and would not be able to provide for her financially or emotionally if she were not my wife. When I have made these strong stands recently she gets mad at me immediately, but within 10 minutes or so she seems to draw closer and gain respect, its all so fast and Im trying to just slow it down and keep things steady. I am earning her respect, but most importantly I am growing respect for myself.

Anyway since I refused the hug last time she asked again and I accepted a hug. We had discussed that if OM was in picture that I would not be available as a friend or someone for her to count on. So she hugged me and wouldn't let go for a while, she started kissing my neck and I reciprocated a bit before hugging her tightly and saying that I should go. She didnt want to let go, but I told her I would see her with our friends over the weekend.


And as you have seen from the weekend thread, things went well. I just don;t know what to do now. I am still continuing to get a life, and am trying not to focus on the past or her. But this has reinvigorated my hope and faith that things can still turn out as a reconciled marriage.

[asat82]

I would like to ask her out on a date, as when we were still in the same house even after turning into a WAW she said that she wanted to be taken out and wined and dined. Is asking for a date once before I am gone for a month and a half a bad thing, or should I wait for her to initiate contact this week?

I don't want her to feel that this is a thing that hasn't changed, I want this to be obvious to her that I want to woo her and make her feel excited to be around me and know that I can do this the right way now. And since she says she is scared, this would be a 180 (i may be justifying this all wrong), but if my motives are just a date and I don't bring up relationship, just that it was good to see her this weekend and wanted to say goodbye before my long trip is this ok>??? hehe, mind is rambling I need to get out and go to the store for a bit.