I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[Wonka]

DB,

Calm down. Your response was short and good. A lot of newbies make the mistake of making their responses long and making counterpoints to each section. Now is not the time to do so.

There will be opportunities to show empathy to her pain and show her how you have changed. Give this process time. Rome wasn't built in a day. Please keep this in mind that DBing is a marathon, not a sprint.

You're doing really good and keep coming here to gain support, feedback, and input.

[DBinSF]

Ok you're right. The point is to heal and change FOR ME, not just to get her back. If I put in my best effort, unselfishly, and it still doesn't work out, I just have to live with the consequence of my actions.

[25yearsmlc]

Ok you're right. The point is to heal and change FOR ME, not just to get her back. If I put in my best effort, unselfishly, and it still doesn't work out, I just have to live with the consequence of my actions.

True. You do your darned best to become YOUR best self.


When you know with certainty that you've truly done this, and become the best DB you can be, then you have to turn it over to God and leave the results up to him.

Otherwise this sort of becomes about you obsessing and not processing or learning a thing about patience.

IT becomes about you NOT hearing her, not getting your way NOW, and being a bit too "young" (immature) and self absorbed.
Okay?

So again, Leave the results up to God, keep doing your true best, learn some real patience, and then go in peace.

[Maybell]

DB, you're in good hands here, but it's nice to see what looks like self-awareness beginning to bloom. Keep moving in that direction. Good job.

[DBinSF]

Hi all,

I'm trying to get back to focusing on myself and letting go of the results of our little email exchange this weekend. I'm REALLY GLAD I didn't pounce on her and try to CONVINCE her of anything. That does show a little growth (or at least an ability to ask for help and get great advice).

In rereading her email, I'm not sure how much it is a reaching out as an olive branch, and how much it's seeking finality and closure. I'm so concerned it's the latter. My worry consumes me. She's so "sane and classy" (and proud and stubborn) I could see her simply wanting to leave things on a higher note because she had been so angry the last time we communicated a month ago.

Is it silly to maintain hope?

[DBinSF]

She had said this:

"I was in a really good place in my life when I met you... I had done so much work on myself and was ready to meet my life partner. But here I am, two years later, trying to repair and rebuild. So many steps backward. A bummer of a place to be in, to say the least."

Should I address this directly at some point? Is this a request for additional apologies?

[DBinSF]

Also, this is the "Can I trust you again?" statement:

"I realized a while back that I couldn’t make you understand how you hurt me -- I can only hope you are able to come to that realization yourself, and will remember it before making decisions to be deceitful in the future."

Do I do more to address that in a week or two?

DB

[Wonka]

DB,

Shush! Leave it alone. Let me share my experience with Ms. Wonka to give you some insights on how to DB properly with duct tape and the Wonka Bobcat special for patience.

We split up back in 2004 due to a crazy mixture of my MLC and Ms. Wonka seeking out OW in response to her own pain from my BD & all that crazy MLC jazz. When she first moved out, I did all the wrong things, which were all pre-DBing, by writing her a long letter...blah blah. Then it took about 4 months of chipping away at her glacier before I got a response from Ms. Wonka (that was after finding DR book and this site).

During the intervening years since then, we've texted wishing each other HBD which was pretty much the extent of our communications. Mind you, we both have slammed the door on each other at various times too with years worth of silence. Things changed when my beloved father died in the Fall of 2012 and we had our FIRST phone call in 8 years two months after he passed away.

Then we texted each other Merry Christmas and HBD exchanges. After getting some excellent feedback from some really, really wonderful people over in MLC on how to make sincere amends, I sent an apology letter to Ms. Wonka just this past March 2014. We had our first semi-deep conversation through texting that lasted about 1 to 2 weeks. Then that was the last of our convo.

The main point I am trying to drive here is that you MUST cultivate patience on your part out of respect for W and her deep wounds inflicted by your very selfish actions. For you, this will be months, months long process between you and W.

You are now being antsy pantsy after getting the email from your W and you want to grab a MILE out of it. Not good. Turn the focus BACK TO YOU and continue working on being a better man that is reliable, dependable, healthy and monogamous.

Can you do this?

[Wonka]

Is it silly to maintain hope?

Honey, it isn't silly at all. We all need hope to help us move along forward. Without it, what would be the point?

[DBinSF]

Yeah, I'm still kinda freaking out. I'm not sure what I wrote was validating enough. She needs to feel seen and heard by my messages, right? I'm not sure I validated her anger and confusion enough. How do I help her feel fully heard and understood again?

I know...Patience. But, still... Not being heard was a major complaint of hers about me.