So last night I had S call to say goodnight as usual .... she sounded very chipper and happy which kind of bugged me but I let it go quickly keeping in mind I can not let the bad thoughts fill my head.
This morning I dropped off S with her as usual and she looked a touch stressed, I said goodbye to my S and wished her to have a good day, she asked why I have been so cold as of late ( Detaching I think is what she was referring to) I simply said I have not been cold in fact I have been pretty happy and nice with her, and it seemed she was being cold with me. I gave her a hug and went to leave and she asked me what I thought about the mediation appt. Not wanting to really get into it I replied that I honestly had not had time to think about it much, after we left I grabbed dinner with our S and we finished watching our movie, went to bed and then up and at it this morning and I would give it more thought today at work. She then asked me if it was what I wanted (A little hope here possibly? Maybe she is rethinking it? baby steps) ... I used the validation tip and told her no its not what I want, given the chance I would have done alot of things differently ... I have been making some progress and changes in my life that I am happy about, and left the topic at that.
So she started becoming upset ... a little background ... I had never completed my degree ... I was close but never seemed to have a chance, we bought a house, I was remodeling that, then we had our S ... then she lost her job for almost a year and I picked up more gigs on the side .. I busted my ass but was not ever enough it seemed. She is very career and driven ... I was in the same steady decent paying job for 17 years and DJ'd on the side for more and that was a big issue in our marriage. Since the separation I found a new better job... I was promoted within 4 months to GM. , only DJ the friday nights currently. The DJ thing I enjoy and it pays nice, I would drop it if we were to reconcile, but with ths amount I still give her plus my bills and expenses I do not want to let easy money go just yet.
This being said, the mediators talked about the child support and spousal support ... truth is I give her a good amount of money every month, if we were to go through with the D ... she would in fact be paying me and that drives her nuts. She seems to want me to keep paying and reward her decision to D and keep her high lifestyle, while my quality of living is significantly less (my punishment I assume) and I had told her in the past I will not be taken advantage of that way.
I have started getting myself into online courses so I can finish the degree ... have not made any mention to her something I am doing for me and my son.... however I do have a testing appt that I needed to switch days with her on so she does know that I am pursuing this though I kept it very short and low key, the classes are expensive but its the way I can get my degree complete without sacrificing time away from my GAL approach, paired with my resume I will be better off in 5 years no doubt. I said goodbye to her this morning as she was starting to get angry and yelling at me ...I detached/went dark .. did not pick up the phone after she immediately called twice nor did I respond to the nasty text.
Hope I handled the sitch correctly .. that Book can not get here fast enough ... lol
She is going completely nuts on me right now ... throwing everything at me via text .. 20 hateful vicious texts .. told me they got into an accident so I would call .. I call and realize she only did it to get me to call ... I said goodbye and hung up.
I have not replied .. times like this I have little to no hope.
She is going completely nuts on me right now ... throwing everything at me via text .. 20 hateful vicious texts .. told me they got into an accident so I would call .. I call and realize she only did it to get me to call ... I said goodbye and hung up.
I have not replied .. times like this I have little to no hope.
Our progress is not linear, just so you know. You can have very low times, and then things can be better. Seriously, I know what i'm talking about on this. In 2006, i told my sisters I'd give my m a "10% chance of making it", and I meant it. Sometimes you have to expect a divorce to face what it would really be like.
As for this^^ episode of crying wolf, and not calling her back, I don't get it.
I'll need to read what happened earlier to learn why you didn't call her back or text back. Did she have son with her? Why didn't you call or text her back? What were you trying to prove? (I will read your other post I guess to find out)
Before I say anything more or know more, I will say "don't play games for games sake" or to "win". There are no "winners" and "losers" in this. Okay? The only person you are trying to "beat" here, is the old you, not your spouse.
I can't tell if you are working on you to 'spite her' or to please yourself, or to help the m be restored or what.
And I don't know why you are not telling her SOME of your changes so she'd know that the old marriage isn't going to return. which she surely fears.
I can't tell what of her complaints you think you should work on or if you are just on your own path that she is not part of, etc. Which of her complaints, if any, did you find had some validity?
And now I'll just ask you, What is YOUR goal here? And it's okay to have more than one.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So last night I had S call to say goodnight as usual .... she sounded very chipper and happy which kind of bugged me but I let it go quickly keeping in mind I can not let the bad thoughts fill my head.
This morning I dropped off S with her as usual and she looked a touch stressed, I said goodbye to my S and wished her to have a good day, she asked why I have been so cold as of late ( Detaching I think is what she was referring to) I simply said I have not been cold in fact I have been pretty happy and nice with her, and it seemed she was being cold with me. So instead of exploring what she meant OR validating her perception, you dismissed them. You said they are not "real" AND THEN you did a tit for tat and said "no, YOU are"...what's that all about?
Didn't you just get some tips on how to validate and how to get MORE INFORMATION about what your spouse feels, (which you are supposedly interested in getting) instead of telling them they are wrong to feel that way?
You blew that.
I gave her a hug and went to leave and she asked me what I thought about the mediation appt. Not wanting to really get into it I replied that I honestly had not had time to think about it much, after we left I grabbed dinner with our S and we finished watching our movie, went to bed and then up and at it this morning and I would give it more thought today at work. maybe asking her if she wanted to discuss this further "at a better time for both" would have been a better response. Your answer starts out fine but then you gave her nothing to go further with. You said you "would give it more thought" but I guess a better response would be "and then we can discuss it".
You ended your commentary with why you had NOT thought about it, and then gave her no lead as to when you would think about it or talk about it. Not a terrible answer, but just sort of goes nowhere. So why would she believe you two could communicate better, IF this is what she's getting from you now?
I'm not clear about what your 180s are, other than not losing your temper.
She then asked me if it was what I wanted (A little hope here possibly? Maybe she is rethinking it? baby steps) ... I used the validation tip and told her no its not what I want, given the chance I would have done alot of things differently ... I have been making some progress and changes in my life that I am happy about, and left the topic at that.
THIS PART IS FINE^^^^....assuming you had a concerned (b/c you take this seriously) tone and a contrite one (b/c you realize you did make mistakes and this is not all about her and how wrong SHE is for having an affair, etc.)
So she started becoming upset ... a little background ... I had never completed my degree ... I was close but never seemed to have a chance, we bought a house, The background is fine (as background) but I don't get what the background or not finishing college has to do with her being upset---Here^^^, SO why is this relevant?
I was remodeling that, then we had our S ... then she lost her job for almost a year and I picked up more gigs on the side .. I busted my ass but was not ever enough it seemed. She is very career and driven ... I was in the same steady decent paying job for 17 years and DJ'd on the side for more and that was a big issue in our marriage. IF I were to take her POV on this, maybe it's this way:
HER love language was "quality time together" and it was not filled, by a long shot for nearly 2 decades and your whole marriage. And that's b/c YOU chose a job you enjoyed (and justified -- b/c you needed the income ---but which you obviously could have gotten elsewhere if you had only tried), and that gig took you away on ALL weekend nights and another night,
so she'd get zero time with you (with no end in sight, right?) and NOW that you are sep, NOW YOU suddenly are able to find a job that allows you free time,
b/c now that she is with OM (whom she believes she would not be with had she not been so lonely for so long, which was all b/c of your unilateral choices to make her alone all that time....)
and NOW you make these changes AND don't want to discuss them with her...yeah, I can see why that upset her.
Can you?
Since the separation I found a new better job... I was promoted within 4 months to GM. , only DJ the friday nights currently. The DJ thing I enjoy and it pays nice, I would drop it if we were to reconcile, but with ths amount I still give her plus my bills and expenses I do not want to let easy money go just yet. Dig a little deeper and see if "her POV" (above) might have a lot to truth in it...
This being said, the mediators talked about the child support and spousal support ... truth is I give her a good amount of money every month, if we were to go through with the D ... she would in fact be paying me and that drives her nuts.
Not sure what this^^ means, and or if you are mind reading. Can you explain?
She seems to want me to keep paying and reward her decision to D and keep her high lifestyle, while my quality of living is significantly less (my punishment I assume) and I had told her in the past I will not be taken advantage of that way.
aside from MAJOR NEGATIVE mind reading here^^^,
isn't it possible she feels you were under-employed in the marriage b/c you were not that ambitious until she left, AND OR you simply enjoyed DJing (which you admit) and You didn't want to quit, plus SHE worked hard and made enough money for you guys....and now that you are sep, YOU are suddenly able to both increase your income AND free up some time for "someone",
and so, you are assuming she wants you to "reward" her decision to divorce you...which puzzles me greatly. How did you arrive at that leaping conclusion? Based on her being sad??
I have started getting myself into online courses so I can finish the degree ... have not made any mention to her something I am doing for me and my son....
why not let her know? I mean, is it a GAL or a 180 or both? You don't have to trumpet it, you can just let her know b/c you want to share SOME of your life with her IF she asks...
you know, I'm getting a really competitive vibe from you now, and that does not feel like you want to restore your m. Or not as much as you want to be "right".
What's your reaction to that? Again, what is your goal here?
however I do have a testing appt that I needed to switch days with her on so she does know that I am pursuing this though I kept it very short and low key, the classes are expensive but its the way I can get my degree complete without sacrificing time away from my GAL approach, paired with my resume I will be better off in 5 years no doubt. I said goodbye to her this morning as she was starting to get angry and yelling at me ...I detached/went dark .. did not pick up the phone after she immediately called twice nor did I respond to the nasty text. what was the nasty text? Why did she get angry at you or yell at you? I'm confused. You went to the mediators and both got some information. Then when she asked for feedback from you, you blew off her request to discuss it, b/c you "had not had time to think it out" and then what? What is triggering her anger? Be honest here. Why are you shutting down?
Hope I handled the sitch correctly .. that Book can not get here fast enough ... lol
Not sure you handled it correctly b/c I'm not at all clear on what the situation is.
I don't see progress though, if that's the question. What is really going on and can you just state facts without spin?
I mean, don't make the assumptions you are making and DO tell us which of her complaints might have had some validity.
I keep hearing you refer back to the affair and again going to how she "lied" about OM, but I don't know why a woman who was happily married would do that in the first place.
And we both know she was not happy IN the m (hence the letter). So let me ask you this:
The letter I posted on this thread (I think) from the WAW, you said some of it resonated with you. Which parts?
What are you DOING to make your wife believe marriage to you now, would be better/different than before?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So sorry you are here. I hope the DR book arrives soon. It has so much good info and guidance.
I wanted to follow up on 25's post, although I am no where close to a vet around here.
One of the most valuable lessons I have learned here and from my IC is to ask WAS to clarify. Whenever my H throws out an accusation or asks a question like "why are you being so cold?" (I've never gotten that one, but the principle still applies), the response I would have is "I'm sorry you feel like I'm being cold. Can you explain why you think that?" And when they answer, the response should be something along the lines of "I'm sorry you thought that because it was never my intention to give you that impression." This validates what they are saying and it gives you insight as to whether you DBing techniques are taking you in the direction you want to go. It also lets them know that you are listening and that you heard them.
I take H's response seriously and look inside myself to see if my actions/words are bringing him closer or pushing him away. I question whether what I said or what I'm doing is truly DBing? Is what I've said or done going to make me someone they want to come home to? The last thing any of us want to do is anything that they could construe as justification for walking away.
So far, it seems to be working well and has opened up some little bit of productive and positive communication with him.
Like I said, I'm not a vet and I have a long way to go in my own sitch. So take away what you will.
Anyway, I wish you all the best. All of us here want the same thing ... a restored M that is happy and healthy. I hope that yours is one of the success stories.
2T2M
Last edited by 2Times2Many; 08/01/1410:41 PM.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Sorry to intrude on your thread CaliGuy, but to 25yearsmlc, Maybelle said to seek you out to take a look at my sitch. Thanks and sorry again CaliGuy.
will do. If not today, then this weekend.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi, I am very new to this forum and have been reading posts. For some reason this post really stood out for me. I have been reading the replies from 25 years MLC and others. Wow! They are so incredibly helpful! I bookmarked them and will come back and reread.
CaliGuy... sending you strength... I know this is the hardest thing we have all been through. :-) Take care.
2t2m No worries at all, we are all here for help and 25 has already shown me how far off I was when I thought I was on track.
I have both books on the way, seems I am having difficulty with the detaching/validation combination. Seems its a fine line to walk , GAL but still try to connect and get more information.
Looking back on the marriage I took on the extra work because I felt she wanted the money, she always stressed about that regardless of where we were .. .turns out she wanted me there more, this is something I have talked to her about and have openly regretted.
The 180's I have made: I have opened up the weekends, I dropped the Saturdays when I commeted to our relationship (I did now know OM was still in the picture as she was not honest about that)... so with this new time I have been availible for us doing things as a family .. or I have done things with my son while she did her thing (I did make sure never to ask with who or where and got to a point it just didnt matter as I was working on me) I have gone to church on a regular basis ... not one of her big issues with me, but one I actually pursued on my own, I have become increasingly more spiritual since losing my family. I lost a good deal of weight ( however gained a few back recently so I need to get back on that) I have done alot better not getting angry, using a softer voice and talking calmly to her.
