Thank you for the encouragement, everyone. I need it more than I sometimes care to admit.
Just got back from meeting with L. Disappointed, but not too surprised.
I'm in a state that does not have the option for legal separation. L was a big-time D promoter, which I expected. That's his job, and his interest. And his $$$.
But, the law is the law, and that's what I needed to know. I can try and do a post-nup or "partition" which would separate assets, etc. per whatever h and I agree to. BUT.... it is only a contract, and if H goes and spends and accumulates debt, etc, in the event of D, I would have to sue him separately to enforce it the contract and recover any damages. And if he doesn't have any $$ to pay, well, we all know how far suing can get you sometimes. So, there's the risk.
The good news, is we don't have much that is joint. No joint CC. No joint vehicles. The house is for sale already. No other big property. We each have our own retirement. We don't have kids together, I have child support that takes care of them. My kids are D13 and S15, so they're not little.
So I would be risking a ton of money in potential debt, and my credit, if I don't file for a D. L pushed hard.
If I decide to do nothing, and he spirals further financially, I would have to start all over like many on his board, have limited options due to bad credit, have to work harder and possibly never get to retire, but would still be ok, and so would my kids. Not a great option either.
This is a lot to consider. He is one sick puppy, but I still love him. I believe in our marriage, in our vows, and I believe in miracles. But I also know there are no guarantees.
Here I am already, at the crossroads.... of going against my faith and my gut, or cutting my losses before they potentially get worse.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
of going against my faith and my gut, or cutting my losses before they potentially get worse.
That is so tough Shining... that is one thing (of many) my impeding D is relieving me from, her financial irresponsibility affecting the kids lives any more. And from the stories here, you can guess-timate the probability of further disaster based on how/what you know of your H.
Please be very logical and business-minded... The door to reconciliation can be left open if you want it to be, D is just a piece of paper, right? Protect you and the kids.
I got several consultations with different Ls, very interesting since I am not doing an "angry" D, a couple didn't know what to do with that...lol! So I moved on and found 2 that will listen to ME, and how I want to do this D.
And you are doing AMAZING, btw...
Last edited by TSquared2; 08/01/1405:37 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Shining, like you I was not keen on divorce, but I do wish I had done it sooner, on financial and emotional grounds.
Please re-read Ambivalent's thread again - these guys can rack up bills as if there were no tomorrow.
The sooner it is over the quicker we can at least try to move on with our lives.
As it was my divorce dragged on 2 years, due to my xh's obstructions, even though he was the one who wanted the divorce. MLCers are not like other people>
Bea, I agree w/you 100% that mlcers are not like other "normal" people when it comes to dragging divorce proceedings out.
Shining, when people come to this forum or on other online MLC forums, they think that their spouses will not cheat or take them to the cleaners, but there aren't too many that don't cheat, lie or take you to the cleaners. It is very important that you protect your assets, keep a close watch on your credit cards and bank accounts, as well as taking care of yourself, physically, mentally and emotionally. This is a very difficult journey and one not for the faint of heart. It is a marathon, not a sprint by any means.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Please listen to these wise posters Tsquared, Bea, and Job are spot on. You have to remember that the man you married is gone. He has done many things you didn't think were even within the realm of possibility. Your h's word is just that-words.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Wow. That brings back memories. I was you at one point
Quote:
This is a lot to consider. He is one sick puppy, but I still love him. I believe in our marriage, in our vows, and I believe in miracles. But I also know there are no guarantees.
Here I am already, at the crossroads.... of going against my faith and my gut, or cutting my losses before they potentially get worse.
It is a lot to consider and not something to do lightly. My ex and I were married young and for 20 years (almost to the day.) Like you, I got the "something's wrong with me" and "ILYBINILWY" speeches. My MIL saw something was wrong and offered brazil nuts to my ex, to try and help her. Her mom's nutty to say the least (I know, bad pun) Eventually, my ex blamed me for everything she could think of (I didn't get the cat pregnant. Just sayin') and now has a H who won't let her forget those things she's accused me of
I didn't contest nor fight the divorce. I decided early on to help her move out. I helped pack, move, etc. I was very friendly and fairly easy going. I still loved my wife. To be honest, I suspect she still loved me as well. Still might, but I wish that would stop.
I visited several lawyers. They really do try to egg you on. They try to play your emotions. My ex said she wouldn't do x, y, z. That was more like a pre-cursor to what she was going to do.
Interview some more lawyers. Find one that works for you. The MC gave me several lawyers and even rated them. She told me that all three were excellent lawyers, two of them were very good with kids, and one of them was a real a**hole if that's what I wanted to get. The MC saw from the beginning what was going on and was very helpful in helping me keep perspective. She knew both of us which helped as well.
I chose a lawyer that would look out for my kids even at my expense if I chose it. I'm very glad I did. I don't regret one cent spent on the lawyer. By the end of it, even my W's lawyer didn't like her (Wife) and both of them fought for me and my kids.
Keep looking, shining. You do need to protect yourself. As T mentioned, you can leave the door open. You can reconcile it with your faith. I am and have been several times, the president of a local congregation. I have a very active faith. It was not what I wanted, but I don't get to make all the choices, ya know? My ex's cheating helped on that front but mostly it was some very long and sometimes heated conversations with friends and the pastor to help me reconcile my faith with what was going on.
Hope that helps, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you for telling me some hard truths, sharing your experience, and reminding me that as LNG as our hearts are beating, there is always a chance at a new R. H is not who I married. I don't want this person. I believe I know what I need to do. I just can't say it yet. Not out loud. I'll get there, just need to sit with this for a while.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
T, That's interesting what you said about being a nice client! Today's L didn't know how to take me, either, since I was not angry! I was speaking very matter-of-fact, logically, not emotionally. (Is that a small sign of detachment? Or no...). He was very familiar with MLC cases. He told me how crazy some of them have gotten. Also that most post-nups he has worked on were for some extremely wealthy clients that didn't want a D because they were afraid of their reputation being ruined in he newspapers....
B, I'm sorry yours was so difficult. If I remember correctly, was your MLCer one of the more "mean" ones? Mine is still pretty mean, has mellowed some, but still spews and is in a HUGE hurry to sell the house. He fired the realtor already after 2 weeks. Your experience and advice are telling. This is a no-brainer.... Sigh.
job, Everything you have told me in past posts has been spot on thus far. I'm listening and learning. H told me the one time he mentioned D that we could slowly separate things like car insurance and bills (already mostly done), and after that we wouldn't need to get attorneys bc they are "the only ones getting rich". H said he wanted it done fast. I wonder if that urgency changes when I file, simply for the sake of being defiant? Anything is possible.
G, Yup. He's gone alright. Keep telling me, please. It really does help to read over and over, especially when it's about my own H, on my own thread. I can have a ridiculously clear point of view on others' sitches that I can't see in my own.
AJ, I must go back again and read your thread.... I do remember much of the unbelievably destructive behavior you and the kids had to deal with, but the money part is foggy... I think I first started reading the threads to find stories of reconciliation, how-to get H back, then shifted to how to DB4me! I know I glazed over the money issues early on, due to, oh..... Idk.... Denial. I was a master;)
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
After the low blow yesterday, today went better at work. Had a meeting with boss. He was very supportive of whatever I need to do, and was telling me he will help me find a job, give me a great referral, and that no one needs to know anything unless I tell them. That when I leave, I can tell people I needed a higher paying position since I have 2 in college...etc. IMO, his efforts today were helpful, but it felt like it was to ease his guilt, and so he will not look so schmucky.
Made dinner, laughed with kiddos (it still counts if they're laughing "at" me, not with me).
Time for my personal meeting.
Hi. I'm Shining. (Hi, Shining.) I'm a recovering pursue-a-holic.
Today was day #5 of NOT initiating contact. (Whoop, whoop!) Day 1 was 0 communication, but days 2-5, all initiated by H. No big deal to some, perhaps, but this was HARD for me.
Last night, H again reached out to D13 (she is his stepdaughter, but his "favorite" of the 6, and the only one of mine he contacts). "I wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. I hope you're holding up well. Do you like volleyball?"
She told h she loves it, asked h to keep her in mind if he comes across any balls (oh,.....I know), and that was about it. (H gets sports stuff from work)
For me, this morning was new. I got 3 texts in a row from h at 7:50am.
What's your license # I figured it out. Can you get your own toll tag and I will take yours off my account How are you?
I do know better than to be overjoyed, however, this was the first time since S he asked how I was. I know bc I've been watching for it....
I didn't respond until 10.
I'm good sorry super busy
I'm so tempted to ask how he is, as that's what I would normally do. But I didn't. I have no clue what to do other than continue to stay out if his way, and know that these little hints of old H are inconsistent, fleeting, and currently, meaningless.
He sent more texts tonight, "I have your mail and need to talk to you about the house sale soon no one is looking at it need to drop the price a lot." (Me) "to what?" H "I don't know I need a real estate agent to tell me how much and sell it."
Sounds like he's stressed. Pre-MLC, H was always a thinker, slowly process info then decide. Now he is impulsive and impatient, huge sense of urgency to sell he house. He is the classic "mirrored image of his old self."
It is SO fascinating to read examples and advice from experienced DBer's on various threads and archives, and then recognize when the same thing happens in my own tunnel-swallowed world.
Oh, H probably still has OW, but I know nothing. Didn't break it, can't fix it, can't control anyone but myself. I went to the LIFE store. And I got one
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
