Currently things are peaceful. I'm trying for lovingly detached which is challenging.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Quick background for anyone who hasn't read the first thread:
Married 5 1/2 yrs, together 9; son 5, daughter almost 4. My W told me she wanted a divorce on 5/9/14. I wasn't a great husband, let her do too much of the logistical stuff, was overweight to the point where we have almost never slept in the same bed. Since: I did the beg, plead, reason thing for a couple of weeks, then tried to focus on bettering myself. I have lost 40 lbs (about 2/5 of what I need/want to lose) and this had made the snoring less bad. I hadn't found this site yet, but I had gotten some similar advice. However, without having read any of the fundamentals I stunk at it. This led to my EA during June as I had given up and convinced myself I didn't love my W anymore. Well, this all blew up on the 4th of July and I realized that I do still love my W and can't give up. It has been a rocky road, but I'm not quitting again anytime soon. If you need more information, please read through the old thread.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
At this point, my most pressing concern is her b-day on Sunday. One of her complaints and a 180 I need to do is giving better presents. I've already gotten her something good from the kids, so that shows her something. Now I have to decide what to do from me. Do I give her nothing since she doesn't want to be married and that would be the most detached thing to do or do I get her something to show the 180?
I'm leaning toward getting something...I think that's what she expects least. I didn't do much for her on Mother's Day (right after BD) and she was pissed about it. Trying to weigh 180 vs going dim for LRT is hard.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Still searching for clarity/thoughts on the b-day gift dilemma. I'm leaning towards giving her something I'd give a friend for a bday. Since that's all she really is. Something inside me is making me think she wants some kind of bigger gesture though, since I really haven't done that at all since She went WAW.
My other potential situation is if she decides, last minute, to invite me to Portland w/ her and the kids. I don't think she will, but I'd like to know how to react if she does. I really don't know what I would choose. Do I want to go to Portlsnd to go to the zoo and do fun things with my kids? Yes. Do I want her to see what life will be like doing things with the two kids w/out her partner? Yes, the kids are hard, especially out of town after a long car ride.
Thoughts on these 2 things?
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
I'm no expert Joe (the vets would be better) but for my WAWs birthday this year I will buy a really nice present from D. Nothing from me. Why? Because WAW will know I've had to have a hand in choosing and paying for it as D isn't old enough to do it on her own.
This means WAW doesn't think I'm trying to buy her back but I'm showing thought by helping with a present for her from D.
M 35 W 31 D 10 Married 3 years Together 11 Single since Nov 13 Moved out Dec 13 ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more' OM confirmed Jun 14
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Still searching for clarity/thoughts on the b-day gift dilemma. I'm leaning towards giving her something I'd give a friend for a bday. Since that's all she really is. Something inside me is making me think she wants some kind of bigger gesture though, since I really haven't done that at all since She went WAW.
My other potential situation is if she decides, last minute, to invite me to Portland w/ her and the kids. I don't think she will, but I'd like to know how to react if she does. I really don't know what I would choose. Do I want to go to Portlsnd to go to the zoo and do fun things with my kids? Yes. Do I want her to see what life will be like doing things with the two kids w/out her partner? Yes, the kids are hard, especially out of town after a long car ride.
Thoughts on these 2 things?
I know it's tempting to want to teach someone a lesson but it's not our job really, is it? Choosing to do something because of the effect it may or may not have on another is like throwing darts. (unless you're a pro)
Do what's best for Joe and his kids.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You're right again labug. If she asks me to go, and actually wants me to, I'll go. For my kids and the hope of having fun together. No expectations though.
Now, the bday gift...I'm convinced I have to at least get her something. But like a friend level gift. But something that says I know you. Even though I don't think I do anymore. I've been such a terrible listener over the years, I lost touch w/ my W on so many levels. And post blow-up over my EA she got after me about not doing anything like flowers or anything. I have to try something. Some kind of grand gesture...that's a180 for me. But what?
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
D3 told my W what I'd gotten for her from the kids and it was a huge fail. She's mega-pissed. She apparently was looking for a grand-gesture and this didn't cut it. Her b-day is tomorrow and they're going away to Portland w/out me until Monday. I can't make it up to her on her b-day at all, and I can't even begin to figure out how to fix the current mess.
Feeling hopeless. I suck at life. It's a long way to go until Xmas which is the next chance to give her a gift that's justifiable. It's not just that I don't speak her love language, it's that I have no clue how.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
She deserves better. I only hope I can be better and she can see it before it is too late.
Last edited by Joe1981; 08/03/1412:21 AM.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
