Wife wants marriage with OM, is there any hope?

[zew]

That's not uncommon. Her thinking is that you are the cause of all problems.

OM is not the root cause of the problems in your M, he's just a current side effect. Really doesn't matter if she's committed to him or not long term. Until he's gone, she won't think well of you, and she'll say things like that ^^^^. Once he's gone, that's when she'll start figuring things out. She'll either give her M a shot, or find the next OM.

[MrBond]

"I don't think I mentioned this before, but the other week, I offered up the following thought/idea to my wife.

If we're going to remain friends, then she will need to find a way to come to terms and let go of her anger towards me. "

That's more control on your part. You can't tell her that she needs to release the anger she has for you. That's still you trying to get off the hook and want her to "get over it". Sorry, multiple A's don't get a pass.

Just more rug sweeping on your part.

[mindsin]

MrBond - You're absolutely right. I won't bring that up again. What should my play be if SHE brings it up? Thanks.

[mindsin]

Last night, she asked me about that poem that I wrote her back on the 19th (a significant anniversary in our relationship). She asked if I could read it to her. I was hesitant at first, but then decided "why not". She seemed genuine and sincere about it. She then said, "maybe I should read it so you don't cry". She began to read it, and I can tell that my words touched her. After finishing, she said, "this is a very nice poem. You have a gift". I simply looked into her eyes and smiled. We then went upstairs to get the kids ready for bed.

This morning, my wife came into our bedroom (where I was sleeping alone), saw that I started to awake, and then laid herself down on the bed, saying "I'm so tired. I didn't sleep well".

This was the first time in over a month that she voluntarily laid on our bed with me in it. Between the poem last night, and now this, thoughts started creeping into my head again about the possibility of her warming up to me. I am trying not to read into her body language too much (i.e. mind reading), but it can be very tempting!

I so very much wanted to reach over, and hold her hand, or something similar. I did not. I just looked into her eyes for a few seconds, and then got up, saying "I have to get ready for work."

Being put into that somewhat uncomfortable situation, I think I came out with a small victory.

[mindsin]

Yesterday evening, my wife said that I looked upset and asked if I wanted to talk. I replied, "I'm not upset, but I do enjoy talking to you".

She comes into our bedroom, sits on the chair (I was on the bed). She then starts her interrogation into what was bothering me. Nothing was.

She insists, "I've known you for many years. I can see it in your face". Then still persists, "Swear on your children's lives that nothing happened today that is making you upset".

It's as if she's getting upset because I'm not upset, or the fact that my words didn't match up to her perceptions of my feelings.

I told her, "Please don't try to tell me what I feel".

Then she went on the offensive, saying things like:

"Don't think my parents side with you. They want us to split up. They don't believe you're a fit husband for me."

"Let me make it clear, I don't want to see your brother's wife. She is an outsider to me. As a matter of fact, I don't want to see your brother either."

I didn't reply much to any of this. I simply nodded and indicated that I understood.

[claire7]

That must have been hard to not engage when she was baiting you. You should feel good that you kept quiet. Great job!
(Next step is maybe to work on validating a little bit?)

[mindsin]

Thanks claire7. Can you expand on what you mean by needing to work on validating?

[claire7]

Then she went on the offensive, saying things like:

"Don't think my parents side with you. They want us to split up. They don't believe you're a fit husband for me."

This maybe would have been a place to say, "I can see how they might think that. I'm working on becoming a better person, and if I had the chance to do it over again, there is a lot I would do differently" (But keep in mind, I am NOT the expert on validating, so don't take my word as gospel!)

I didn't reply much to any of this. I simply nodded and indicated that I understood.

How did you 'indicate' you understand? Someone here (I think it was labug) said to be careful about saying "I understand," because often we cannot understand someone else's perspective.

[mindsin]

Gotcha. I think at this point, she's grown tired of the "I wish I could do things differently" rhetoric, so I try not to go there.

I indicated that I understood simply by nodding and saying "OK".

[labug]

Just to make it clear, I don't mind spending time with my kids, I love it. I just wish she spent more time at home. The kids miss her.

I thought I responded but I guess I didn't submit.

It's good that you love spending time with your kids. I was surprised when you said you you'd never left her in the house 2-3 nights with the kids, cause I had certainly been away from my kids 2-3 nights. Not, consistently but it did happen.

Your W is in the lala land of affair.

Lovethehub wrote a great post on u-turn's thread today.