Have I any hope.... (Part 3)

[MrBond]

"Do u mean I've misjudged Mr Bond?"

Not necessarily misjudged, but you can't jump all over this and think this is her way of coming home. It isn't. When she's ready to work on the R, it's usually immediate and there is an urgency to it. She's just trying to be polite here.

"She isn't interested in me?"

Not in the way you want her to be. She just sees you as a "friend". A friend whom she's not afraid to take to court and screw you over.

"And what do u mean by 'monster'? Apologies if that's a silly question."

Not silly at all. The "monster" refers to her current state where she does things that you would have never thought she would ever do like having an A. The monster lashes out at you and blames you for everything (not saying that you are totally devoid of blame) and never takes responsibility for anything. You are the enemy to her. That's the monster state of mind.

[bashy]

Jeez. This has brought me down to earth! Thanks for your thoughts. I honestly thought last night was different than when I pleaded with her in June. However, There is a change in her no doubt. But also thinking about last night... perhaps you're right. She never really opened up to any of her faults during out M. I'm glad I stayed strong now or I would have been back to square one by reading the signs wrong and then jumping head first in.

I suppose I need to get back to detaching and GAL.

[bashy]

Something I forgot from chat with WAW this morning. I was talking about wanting to do a road trip round Ireland and she said she'd love that too. Then says she would also love a spa break weekend with her sister.... "No phones or phone calls from ex's", she added.

This made me think. Her sister has a bf but is separated from ex-husband. And with regard to me I never text or ring except when arranging collecting D. Did she mean me or OM, who could be an ex now?!?

[MrBond]

Stop over-analyzing everything. To be THE MAN, you have to just concentrate on yourself and take action based on what you want to do or feel is right. Don't base your actions on what you THINK your W wants or doesn't want.

[bashy]

Great last line! I'll remember that Mr Bond.

[bashy]

Hi all. Looking advice from vets. My WAW is obviously struggling at the minute with the reality of being a single parent plus under enormous pressure regarding her IVA. I have set boundaries of not giving/offering any financial support plus she has definitely noticed me GAL'ing. I've also been staying away from texting and ringing unless to do with D.
My question is this. She will contact me regarding support/advice for IVA. How should I deal with this? Should I offer advice? Support her in some way?
I read an example letter/post from Michelle of a guy who was there as a friend to his WAW. Supporting her when she needed... she eventually realised this support and they grew closer again before reuniting.
I understand the 'having your cake and eating' phrase but want to get a fine line.
Thanks everyone.

[labug]

Bashy, I've read the last few pages here and will go back and read from the beginning. What's an IVA?

What do you mean by support in that last post?

[bashy]

Hi labug. IVA is the next thing to bankruptcy in the UK. By support I mean when she rings worried about it I offer emotional support. Thanks for looking at my thread but it's done now. WAW asked me to stay over last night after we cleared out last stuff from the old house. Getting on great. We then went alone to KFC and chatted about things including D.

Went home and I fix a few things. Then noticed a little card the size of a credit card saying something along the lines of 'I'm sorry.... I love you. Thanks'. It looked like from her OM than a friend the way the wording was.

Any, I ignored it. Then we get D to bed and had some wine. We chatted about our past. My mistakes. Then she opened up a little on hers but fully isn't there it in regard what a marriage needs.... ie takes two to tango.

I told her it bothered my we only properly kissed (not just a peck on the lips) about a dozen times in 11 years. Always bothered me but I said I let it pass because she said she wasn't a fan of kissing. Then she confessed I was to 'slabbery' (too much saliva). I go ok. We then chat more and she brings up OM. I didn't get angry or ask about him. She didn't say much bar that he knew I was staying the night and had no problem with it. I then ask does she want to kiss to see how it feels. She says no. I say is there a part of u wants to? She says 1% just to see. But we don't. At this stage I know I'm pursuing but I don't ask her back. We then discuss possibility of me staying ever Sunday night to see D. She thinks it's a good idea. But then as I pursue she says I probably isnt. We then go to bed separately.

I wake up and take D to school. Then it hits me. I can't do this anymore. My life is a mess. I can't cope with my hopes being dashed every time she draws me close only to pull away. So I do the worst. I go and buy the loveliest vase of lilies.... her favourite. Then a card and write how I remember the good and bad times. I know she's scared. Inbelieve in marriage and is and I love her. I drop it off to work and read the card. Her eyes well up. We then agree to meet for lunch .

We meet and talk. She's says OM has said he'll understand if she wants back to me. I tell her I believe in us and marriage and I know she has feelings there. She says ages scared then draws back. Mentions the kissing thing saying it hit her the night before that she probably never really physically love me even though even also admitted that the last few years of our marriage was the best for sex. Then says if we tried for six months she was afraid if hurting me. She loves me but not in that way. I ask what happens if her and OM fall out... would she not fight for it. If so then fight for us. Then I say if that's her decision then I never want to see or hear from her again unless important D business. She says that's an ultimatum. I tell her it doesn't mean to be but I can't go on like this. She goes ok. I get up and walk off.

I text when home. I want her new adress for correspondence. She says ok but we can text. I say it's for official stuff. I tell her she knows how I feel but I can't fight us is any longer. I'm done. I never want to hear from her again. She replies she's sorry for hurting me. I'm the kindest man she's ever met and thanks me for helping her these last few months. Then says she'll respect my wishes. I did not reply.

So that's it. I'm done. My head has been a mess these last 9 months. I can't go on hoping. I need to get on with my life without her and as little contact. I'm tired. I know some people will think I'm mad after this short a time but I can't keep fighting it.

I want to thank you all for helping. I'll keep popping on to offer support while I can. I hope u all get what you want.

[Eatsma]

Bashy -

I'm so sorry...

[Tarheel]

Bashy, I've posted a few 'I'm done' comments on my thread and W and I have exchanged 'let's start the D process' conversations, yet I'm still here. Feelings can, and will, change from day to day. You posted just a few days ago with hope still in your voice after positive interactions with your W.

With that said, it sounds like you made it pretty clear to W that you're done, so you can't waffle any longer. I'm sure vets will come by with better advice than I can offer, but I say you go dark, sit back and wait. W may finally realize that she's about to lose you, so see if she contacts you before making any rash decisions. If she does, post here before responding, so vets like Wonka and MrBond can advise you.