Hi Heather, What you wrote about the repeated hurts causing a response in your body really hit home. I sometimes get that way when W is over to "go through our stuff". I couldn't understand why I was showing signs of fear as I have nothing to fear from her any longer as she has done the worst she can, filed for D. Yet, there I am with this feeling in the pit of my stomach.
We've been hurt some many times by our S's and without even thinking about it our bodies are getting ready for the "fight or flight" response!
My W has become over the last several years just like Smokey in how she changes to fit in with whoever she is around. My D's say that when she is around her father they can't stand being around her as she becomes mean and acts just like him (neither of them likes their grandfather. They both have independently called him "creepy"). When she is with her work friends she acts another way, around her mom's family she acts like a wife and mother. This must be exhausting for them! I have always been comfortable around anyone but before she left, I found myself being uncomfortable when with my W as she would be hyper critical of me around other people. I'll never forget when we went to a party with her work friends not long after B-day. I was having fun, talking to all the people there, having a good time and she came up to me and said, in a way that sounded like it was something amazing "Everyone here really likes you". I'd met most of the people there before and got along with all of them so it shouldn't have been a surprise to her but since she wanted to see me as "bad", she figured that was the way everyone saw me! No matter that for the last 20 years I got along well with almost everyone!
I understand what job is saying about trying to analyze Smokey. (I have too much of that regarding my W, for sure!) Although lately you seem to be analyzing yourself more which I think is a good thing. Keep up the positive work. It's really starting to pay off for you!
Ok. This is actually pretty awesome. I respect you and your suggestions, thoughts, insights...but, I'm still disagreeing in THIS instance.
Recently, I've caught myself obsessing over Smokey again. I noticed myself, yesterday, driving to and from the interview, looking for his truck...reminiscing...romanticizing...and going to this dark place where I imagine he and OW together, being intimate, holding hands, taking walks, etc...
Anyway, I had stepped away from the grief workbook and, this morning...knowing my life will getting busier in the coming weeks--I took this free morning and re-read the chapter on withdrawal.
It helped me put into perspective who Smokey really is...not who I fantasized him to be...the reality of our life together. I took him down from the pedestal and wrote about what life was like when he lived here...the tension, his sleeping constantly, not engaging, the daily rejections from his inability to be honest, the dishonesty, etc, etc...
I know if may come across, from your POV as over-analyzing and, sometimes it is...but, this dissolution/rejection from him struck a huge chord for me in terms of bringing up some really deep feelings of rejection I've carried since childhood. I've always put my abusers in a place of power and looking at Smokey, my mother, my dad, etc...helps me to see their humanity...They are simply imperfect human beings with flaws like me.
In addition, I'm a writer and this stuff sits in my head if I don't let it out. When I can, I try to use the boards when I feel anything may help someone else. This topic of obsessing seems to be a common thread and I really thought what I looked at this morning could, maybe, help someone else who is struggling with the same issue.
For me, I walked away from the exercise not nearly as frightened of the impending response from his attorney or a text from Smokey or the even the phone call from my mother...I'm wayyyyy more settled and able to face all those feelings of being potentially hurt again.
Also, I'm remembering how hard I tried in this marriage. Yesterday, I passed a nursery school where I had enrolled D11 when she was 2 and before we were aware of the Autism. I specifically enrolled her there because it was close to Smokey's workplace. I had hoped he would step up and visit her and become a fixture in her life for lunch and support and picking up and so forth. He didn't. I think he visited once. It reminded me of HIS failures in the marriage and parenting. He rarely stepped up to help (in a helpful way) when I needed him for parenting support.
I'm sorting all this stuff out. I know it's taking awhile...but I"m getting there. I suppose the new job brings up fear and Smokey was always my safe place/my fantasy. At least, I'm looking at it honestly today.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, As long as it's helping YOU to sort out what has been troubling you for a long time, and how his behavior fed your insecurities, then it's not a problem. The same would apply to your parents situation as well.
Yes, you are most definitely looking at your situation very honestly and hopefully this time next year, you'll be able to finally find some inner peace.
Just be careful that you don't get stuck in one spot and don't move forward because you are afraid to do so.
One other thing. I know that to the outside world it could look like over-the-top obsession/analyzing...but bear in mind that I'm a writer. This is what I do when plagued with a problem.
These boards have given me so many gifts...but one the biggest that I'm just noW acknowledging/recognizing...is the daily motivation to write...AND, to write about complicated, difficult to express feelings/thoughts/perspectives...this isn't easy stuff to present in an understandable way...especially when I sometimes don't know beforehand what I'm feeling.
I'm writing more here and in my journals, at least as much/probably more than I did when I was a full-time reporter with a city beat. The boards have given me daily practice and I'm so blessed to have found a place where other like-minded, intelligent people in similar situations can either help me through this journey or I can help them in some small way.
I feel as if God presented me with the motivation and desire to continue my daily writing by giving me a forum to act out my skills. If not, things could be very different right now. As it is, I've now, without even KNOWING IT!!, gotten into the habit of writing for a set amount of time each as I go about daily life. Like right now, I just stopped doing the dishes for a moment to respond. That's HUGE. Discipline is 95% of the battle when you want to write for money. HE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
God did this incredibly sneaky, BRILLIANT thing! He compelled me to share my experience and, in turn, created a writing routine that I'm not sure I could break even if I wanted now. Keeping all of this inside would be painful now.
Just yesterday, I was thinking about querying a national women's magazine about MLC and contacting Michelle and others for help on an informative article about this epidemic of spouses who abandon their families.
I have reams of journaling here and in my own handwriting to draw from.
And, one other cool thing...my parents/family never really understood me...I came from a long line of conservative bankers. So, my obsessive writing was always a mystery to them. I didn't get much encouragement to write and, even now, when I write obsessively, I get negative looks/comments about how I'm over-analyzing/wasting my time/not doing what I SHOULD be doing. I always feel a tad ashamed when I go off...BUT...BUT...whenever pray to God about what HE wants me to do with my life...I have gotten a clear answer since I was 10..."Write. Heather, just WRITE."
And, I am. :-) Every effin day. I'm writing. It's just a small jump to writing for this forum to writing, again, for publishers.
NOTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH WILL BE WASTED. :-)
Last edited by LoisB; 07/31/1405:27 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I'm sorry if I offended you w/my posting, but again, the written word is always open to interpretation by the reader. I'll leave you to your blogging which appears to be helping you sort things out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel the same way about these boards how they have given me the opportunity to journal. I am not a writer and dont particularly like writing but THESE boards have made me want to write my story. It is truly a gift.
And now I have a record of my internal changes. Its fantastic.
I love the idea of a feature piece or something on MLC. Have your read the Laura Munson book, "This Isnt The Season You Think It Is". Its definitely sounds like your is a similar concept. (FYI Her huband came home) Laura Munson had an except of the manuscript publish in the NYtimes Modern Love column which then got her the book deal.
So glad you ask for 450. Its hard for me to charge what I am worth too but I am getting better. I have learned that you have to ask for it, no one is gonna volunteer to give you it
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I wish I could offer coffee cake to visitors. Bummer.
I was so tired yesterday. Whipped. Then...At one moment, I had a flashback of the financial stress I was feeling 24 hours before. Not that I'm out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination!! But, I didn't have the same stress yesterday that I did the day before. Things eased up so much in 24 hours. I went from ZERO income coming in from my earnings to a little less than $1500 per month. I will take it. :-) I was like...OH! That's why I'm tired! I'm kinda exhausted from praying and looking inwards too.
I think I need to do something rejuvenating today.
And, I'm going to meet with my friend and bookkeeper. We are going to create a budget. I'm interested in how much more I need in order to afford another vehicle. Juggling my job and D20's with one car is going to be tough...but, we can manage for a bit. I did some research on buying a car with lousy credit.
It's not time yet...but I'm putting my mind in that place.
I have tutoring today and I'm going to put out some more resumes. Going to take a hike.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Um, I got a call this afternoon from the publisher in Upper New York State.
He is looking for someone to take over as editor of a weekly newspaper in Jefferson County--off of Lake Ontario--AND, take over a newly acquired farmer's monthly. I could make the ag newspaper my own--build it into my vision?? Whatever that would be...
Strangely, this fits into my background nicely. My great-grandfather was the first extension agent in our county. I was raised with a great respect for farmers and spent a lot of time on ag issues/modern farming.
In addition--I published my own small, community newspaper--alone---so this would be like dying a going to heaven.
I'm a bit floored. He asked how soon before I could relocate. I tried to sound calm and cool and said...it would probably take me a month to get things settled, but I do have family support which could make things move a little faster if necessary.
I didn't bring up salary...but, told him I'd be interested in discussing the position further.
When I asked him about HIS timeline...he said, jokingly, "How about next Thursday." I guess this farmer's paper is a publication that's been around for a time, but almost went bust and this small newspaper publisher purchased it. I like the idea of an ag publication. These are one of the few print publications that may survive into the millenium.
Interesting to say the least. Not sure what Smokey would say to our moving to NY State...but, not sure he would have much to say seeing as how he hasn't contacted D11 in any way, shape or form in 13 weeks and counting.
D20, of course, was excited. D11 panicked.
I will take this easy and slow. Keep on praying continually though...it seems to be working. LOL.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh, and this may just be the best day EVER...because, in addition to the interested publisher...I rewarded all my hard work this week with a bottle of fancy bubble bath, soap, new journal, new pen and fancy shampoo from Marshall's. It's spa night ladies while D20 goes to work and D11 has a friend over!! WooHOOO!!!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
