I've been posting on the newbie forum and not getting any real feedback. Maybe I'm on the wrong forum!?
Here is what I'm thinking, also coming from retrospect.... I think H has been MLC for 3 years, but I want to make sure this is what I'm truly dealing with, or if I need to approach differently.
May 2011- I'm working at a trauma based residential center and go to a training to discover, I'm not giving my family or myself self care. H is head coach for then S7 football team and gathering coaches and team mom.
June 2011- family vaca to DW. H and I argue a bit, which is unusual for us, and over petty stuff!
July 2011- H buys a new jeep wrangler, grandmother passes away and he is emotionally pulling away (I'm now aware of my emotions). Stops wearing ring.
Aug 2011- H tells me he isn't happy and needs space..pulls further away. I confront and admits he is in love w/ team mom and ILYBNILWY and wants D. I begin IC. Told H I needed out of job.
Sept 2011- since H announcement and my own emotional issues, I gave notice w/o talking to H. 30 day notice required. I was diagnosed PTSD and the stress of pending D retriggered. H moves in with M friend.
Oct 2011- we tell kids that H is moving in with friend. Split custody with kids and I begin to seek alternatives. Discover another program and begin the "pursuing". MIL diagnosed with breast cancer. I thank OW via Facebook message for opening my eyes. She denies R.
Nov 2011- S7 football team has out of town tournament. H wears ring and acts as if we are still married. We still have sex, even though it feels wrong. invite H to Xmas shop on Black Friday (tradition of ours). MIL has surgery this day also.
Dec 2011- MIL tells H to bring me to see her at hospital, that weekend H moves back home. Holidays take over and we pick up where we were. H buys a dog (I've been fighting since I'm allergic, but cave).
Jan2012-Jan2014- now that I've looked back I'm still seeing that he was showing signs, but at home and happy. More recently H is shaving body hair, getting tattoos, gaging his ears, decided to go to grad school (we decided to wait until I was done...nope), complaining he's too fat, doesn't like his job, got laid off after 10 years and starts new job that he doesn't like.
Feb2014- I start next round of classes and begin to get sucked into it...lots of busy work no real time for family. Have nice v-day, writes love letter saying he knows I'm not perfect but loves me and all my support helping make him a better person
March 2014- guy we went to high school with has freak accident and passes away (same age as H), begins to pull emotionally away, I admit that I'm unhappy because we don't spend time together...my LL.
April2014- H pulls away further, and ask what's wrong...I need space and time to think. I knew what was coming. Big fight over Easter weekend...more me than him- h gives woman a hug (I didn't know who she was, but he didn't give me any affection when he had come home from his activity that day), then S gets sick and we can't go to MIL- h whines and I send him. Stopped ML.
May 2014- iLYBNILWY, I'm unhappy and I don't find you attractive. Immediately begins staying with friend.
When I've asked him his reasons for not wanting to work on our M he says that he regrets that we didn't D 3 years ago. WTH...I received a love letter on V-day along with a poem, but his excuse was I just made that up. I've been unhappy for years. What can I do to be a better W...you're like your dad and don't finish things (I think this is projection because he has many projects at home started but not finished), and also that I'm always trying to "fix things" (again I think he is saying I'm trying to fix him).
I did not plead with him and we had a good conversation (my 180). I unfortunately tried the other program again...he found manipulative and said, I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore.
I've been doing well lately but I guess I'm wanting to know if he could truly be in MLC. We haven't argued or disagreed since May. H has not mentioned R or D in awhile. Does mention tidbits about Atty but I've not been given anything. Most of his stuff is still at home, looking for his own place, but I strongly feel that he is not where he says he is. I believe there is an OW, but I'm not snooping because I really don't want to know. I feel I've detached quiet a bit...still a work in progress. We started having sex again this week...with him prefacing it with, this doesn't change things. I'm screwing up and I know it, but I just can't help myself!
Sorry it's so long, just a lot going on.
Please advise...I'm saving up for db coaching soon! I'm up to chpt 6 in dr.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Sounds like a very classic case of MLC. So sorry your are here but honestly these boards saved me.
As you already saw once he cant come back until he goes through this. Whatever this is.
You need to focus on yourself and your kids.
Treat yourself to nice things that you enjoy, whether its a new outfit, mani & pedi, massage, a sitter & dinner with a friend... you need to take care of yourself first.
Also get a hobby that puts you in contact with new people. Playing an instrument, or a sport, met up groups. Focus on you!!
Post often about anything bothering you.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I've done a lot of reading on the MLC boards and have read most of those links. It stinks having your life flipped upside down for so long. I hate that I didn't catch the MLC until June of this year. I saw signs of depression, but didn't connect everything.
So I briefly saw H when he dropped S off from football. H hasn't felt well this week. For some reason, I guess to gain sympathy, he told me he wasn't staying cause he needed to go to the dr. Ok...go. I didn't really say anything, but maybe I should have. I feel like I'm starting to develop some resentment towards him.
I'm doing well detaching, but he doesn't spend time with the kids, who seem ok for now since they are usually out and about in the neighborhood. This weekend S starts football games. It's opening weekend and H is a board member of the youth league. I get it, you need to step up and support the league and community, but seriously can you not take 3 hours out of a 2-day event to take your kids to a birthday party? This is during one of my only times I get me time...hiking with a meetup group. I'm with the kids 24/7. I need a break too!
Sorry just venting here...smiled and told H don't worry about it, I'll get someone to pick them up.
I can't wait until school starts so I can actually be distracted with other things (I work for the school system, and am really missing work. I know, who would miss working during the summer? Someone who needs more distraction and activity for her wandering mind!)
Thank you for the advice and ears (eyes...lol).
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Long story short- I switched careers riiiiiiiiiight before H walked out. So now I'm unemployed, single mom and full-time student LBS. All of those things are manageable, except this summer break has been brutal!!!!
Way too much free time- too much time to "think". (Although therapy-wise, I guess I have been forced to face the loneliness head-on. I'm hoping that was a healthy thing!) 18 days to go!!!!
So, I totally understand wanting school to start back up. It is a nice distraction!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one feeling like it has been a really really long summer!
I had a nice gal with the kids today. I met up with a friend who I used to work with and she was there for me 3 years ago...she was going through a split with her significant other also. It was nice to catch up and her kids and my kids had a blast playing.
I was a little bummed that H didn't call or text (one of my goals is that H will call or text each day, to show that I am making progress). I got home and noticed 2 missed calls from him! I really wanted to call him, but thought, if he really wanted to talk he could have called my cell or left a message. 20 minutes later he called again. Goal completed!
Anyways, H comes home from his training tonight and is in a mood. He was talking about pics I took for another coach and if I could print an extra one, then told me that he said I could. The other coach told him thanks you're great but your wife is awesome. H said "well you can have her." I let it go.
H began talking about his training and then talked about what was going to happen with him this weekend. While we were talking, H dad calls me...what? I answer and talk with him (whole other story). H mentioned to FIL that I was willing to help him if he ever needed it. FIL was concerned regarding our sitch and how H would feel. H proceeded to say that we were friends and it wasn't a negative split...wait, we haven't split or really done anything (only believe 1/2 of what they do and nothing of what they say). I took this opportunity to take the dog for a walk.
I was impressed that H was actually still home when I returned and stayed another 30 minutes. Even though I didn't like all the self talk and negative comments, I still see a baby step in here! One more day down on this loooooong journey.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
D MIL when H was 9. It was really ugly and H actually has repressed memories from childhood...clue #1 that MLC was going to happen. I did mention to H a few years ago that he should talk to someone about that..." No, I don't need to. I'll be fine."
FIL wasn't really there for H. H feels neglected and abandoned...clue #2. FIL came to 3 of H football games during the 4 years he played in high school. This is huge b/c I got yelled at a few years ago and then have it thrown in my face repeatedly (even though it was H suggestion), that I need to come to my S practices. I was in school, which H supported and H said "don't worry about coming to practice. It's silly for you to be there, just be at the games." WRONG...H is projecting this resentment toward me. I notice I actually get it a lot.
So I bring this up cause of the FIL call last night. H was ranting that he only calls when he needs things and even though his sons are the most important things in world to him, they never hear from him. I validate H and empathize. " I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm sorry your dad hasn't really been there for you and is treating you this way." H says, "it is what it is. I got over it." Ummmm, no you haven't!
FIL forgot H birthday the past 4 out of 7 years. H is always being called by younger brothers name (H is middle son, younger brother is from a different R). FIL actually only calls H when he needs something. I could go on and on...
FIL is diabetic and doesn't take care of himself, left leg amputated above knee. He fell last year and was on the floor of his apt for 3 days before someone realized this. H found him...fear that he will find F dead in the apt. We tried to get him into a nursing home, but FIL fought tooth and nail. Moved FIL to apt close to our house (ironic that h left the following weekend, huh?)
Sorry for the rambling. I felt I needed to get it out of me. H is holding onto a lot and I wish he could see it as clearly as I can. I do now realize that it's FIL that H is treating me like. I did make this comment to him a few weeks ago and H has been more friendly, which is why I was wondering if he was MLC. As I keep thinking and figuring out my sitch, I realize H is in mild MLC compared to some, but no matter how mild or severe, it hurts like he!! from the rejection.
No more sad talk, time to GAL and get ready for S first football game
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
H called to ask if I'd heard for his dad. I had told h I would call him if I had, hope this was just an excuse to call me. We then talked about a couple random things re football.
I get s to the field and h is calling at exactly 4... Where are you? We're here...good lord! As s was getting his gear gathered, he noticed us lost his mouthguard ( we go through these a lot!). H and I retraced our steps and I found it. On our way back to s, we were talking and I was thinking how h has started to turn his focus on kids....nope. H interrupts me while I'm talking about s, and starts saying hi and joking with other coaches. Jerk! I never finished my comments...his loss.
S had a good game, first time being on the line (he's only 92 lbs going up against kids 2x his weight). He made some good tackles, but took a tough hit and complained of a headache last night. I think we're good though, no concussion type symptoms.
H called to tell kids goodnight, and then an hour letter texted me thanks for getting another kids birth certificate...I did this for the kid, not H. I didn't respond until this morning. No word from him, but I don't really expect it.
Off to do some homework and go for my 4 mile hike with strangers!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Atsbaby, It sounds like you are making really good choices in how you are handling the sitch. Please don't underestimate the severity of your h's crisis. I did this... people often told me it would get much worse before it got better. I denied this thought to some extent. I am not saying that it will get worse for you, or that your sitch is like mine, but just be careful. I think being hopeful is wonderful. Be hopeful for the future. I held onto every little bit of hope with his contact. This is where I messed up. I should have let it go, totally. Don't try to read into all his contacts. Let it go. Let him make his journey, as you do yours, and be hopeful that it will come out good on the other end (which it will for you, no matter what!). Your h has some stuff to work out and is not thinking clearly or towards the future. He may talk like he is, but he is acting in the moment and will for awhile. Let him (which sound like you are), and take care of you. If only we could knock them in the head and have them snap out of it!
