advice needed - please help

[stacey9]

Yes a toolbox would certainly be handy. I have managed to do a few jobs round the house and you're right Rick I did feel pleased with myself.

I think the main problem for me will be letting go and detachment. I know I have to do it for my own sanity but it's so difficult when I see him almost everyday when he's round to see the kids, who are really still peeved at what he's done.

My S has health issues and I am also angry that H has left all of the day to day worry to me while he is in the midst of his romance in his house which has no squabbling teenagers. But I couldn't be without them, they're great kids, and have been such a comfort to me these past 7 months.

Stacey x

[Rick1963]

Dont borrow trouble from the future. Letting go and detachment are hard to achieve when early in a stich. Process what is happening to you. Trynot be angry and bitter. It will consume you. After being married for a long time we lose ourselves. Better days are coming just b patient.

What kind of health issues does your son have?

And make sure u always smell and lookie sexy...get a new tool box and when hes around act as if you gonna tune your 1963 Corvette...if he asks to help say you r ok. Have some fun...

[stacey9]

Thanks again for the advice Rick.

My S has a neurological condition which he deals with very well, he is an inspiration to us all. He is beginning to hate his Dad for all the pain he's caused and for splitting up our family.

I've been thinking it may be time for me to do something different? For the last 7 months I have not contacted H, no begging, pleading, I have tried to be friendly to him but none of it is working. Am I missing something? Now this may be very devious of me but if I happened to contact him for some help with something I wonder if this may cause some tension between him and the OW? I'm thinking that she was not bothered about his W and kids when she got involved with him so maybe there is a chance to put a little strain on their R? I'm sorry for being so devious but I will try anything to get H to notice me. And he is still responsible for his house and family.

If anyone thinks this is a terrible idea, please let me know.

If there is anything else I can do to change his perception of me I would appreciate any advice.

Thanks
Stacey

[dawgy]

Stacey Im sorry that you are in your sitch . Im in a mess too . I think the same way all the time too about how to drive a wedge between W and OM and iVE TRIED A FEW TIMES BUT IT JUST MADE ME LOOK BAD . iM NOT SAYING IT WONT WORK FOR YOU BUT TIMING IN DOING SO WOULD BE A FACTOR .For example if you knew they were having some problems anyway then i would concede it may work for you . But if they are happy and comfortable perhaps it may only make you look bad . Just my opinion Dawgy

[stacey9]

Thanks Dawgy, you're probably right. I'm wondering if the ow is jealous or insecure, her new man is just out of a 22 year marriage surely deep down she's not 100% sure of him ever coming back to me? Even though I think he will be telling her all sorts of nasty things about us. There may still be an element of doubt in her mind. Then she could start making all sorts of accusations to him and the bubble may burst?

I know it's probably best to stay well out of their R and mind my own business but it's so hard when she's now living the life I should have.

[dawgy]

I hear you girl . I completely understand your thought process but we have to be smart and I applaud you for being so strong and still loving your H . 22 years is nothing to throw away and he knows it but im sure hes very confused and is just trying to find himself through all this . Mean while make sure he knows that you are there and still love him and dont want to divorce then the ball is in his court . Ive finally learned that you cannot control his actions or his feelings and you have to let him sort it out for himself even though i know its very painful for you hun . Be stealth , keep an eye on things , you may see some weakness or problems arise in their fake relationship . What you have is real

[stacey9]

Thanks so much Dawgy just the sort of pep talk I need.

I hope you're right and our spouses see the error of their ways.

Stacey x

[stacey9]

Ok just a quick update - H texted S yesterday to tell him he wouldn't be round to see him over weekend and probably not on Monday either. No explanation why. My mind is buzzing thinking of where he might be - romantic weekend for two seeming the most likely.

My sitch seems to be going from bad to worse. H has showed me absolutely no positive signs whatsoever and does not text or phone me to say when he'll be round.

I'm just at a loss over what to do.

Can anyone help?

[LisaB]

Hi stacey, sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds really difficult.

The weekend away thing is super painful and irritating but try to have patience. I think the best advice came from a poster above who said do your best to try to seem confident, sexy and like you are doing well without him when he comes around.

As far as setting up a devious plan, I find that usually they do not work for me. But you know your H, is he a fixer? Will he try to come save you if something goes wrong?

In my case a few weeks ago I had some small emergencies. Normally I would have relied on my H for advice, comfort and support. He had contacted me while the emergencies were going on so I told him what was happening, and tried a little deviously to test and see if he would "rise to the occasion" and come support me in my time of need. He did not.

Of course I cannot know WHY he did not, maybe he wanted to or maybe he was glad he didn't have to. Who knows! But my point is, it didn't work for me.

Good luck and be strong this weekend!
Hugs, LisaB

[stacey9]

Hi Lisa, thanks for your input. I too am trying to be confident and upbeat around him but it is just so difficult when he still seems to be so angry with me.

He always was a fixer, but now if I asked him to come and do something for me I'm honestly not sure if he would. I think he's committed to this OW.

There just seems to be so many negatives in my sitch I'm wondering if there is any hope at all? My appointment with the L is this week so maybe I'll have a better idea of the finances etc after that, although I do not want to be the one to initiate any legal separation or D, I feel I just need to know where I stand.

If anyone could read through my posts and offer any advice at all I would be so grateful.

Thanks
Stacey