That's what I tell myself. I know my self-worth and if he doesn't want to be with me, no problem. I will not beg, plead or grovel. Go have fun with the train wreck that is OW.. you will see her for what she is eventually (let's hope).
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Thank you for taking time to post to me. I know it is so important to take the high road. It can be tough sometimes, but I have to say, db has helped me tremendously in this area. I know I spew garbage here, but it is really me getting it out. I know the sooner I do, the sooner I can move on. I don't know, maybe you are right, or you've got me thinking. Why is it worth ever giving it that energy?
I know my sitch seems confusing. Well.. that's because I'm so confused. I am dbing, but I guess that does not necessarily mean I'm standing. I know that seems like a contradiction, but I'm dbing for me. I don't know that I could be with my h again, even if he did want me (which I've seen no indication of- quite the contrary). But I do know I don't want him with her. She is garbage and I hate that she is now intertwined in my life. I hate that she will forever have some connection with my children, no matter what they decide it to be. She will always have a presence, even if a shadow in the back of their minds. It really ticks me off that their selfishness has put this permanent dent in their development.
I also know that people are here in hopes to reconnect their r with their s. I don't know what I want, and it really hurts my brain to think about it, so I don't. I am not in a place to make that decision, but I know I will, eventually. I am taking one day at a time, or one minute at a time and will see what the future holds. God is steering the boat at this time; I'm just trying to keep the paddles moving.
It is hard to say I don't want h part of my life. I do love him, and I just can't make that stop. This whole time I've actually felt for him. It's crazy, even when I found out his "double life" part of me felt for him. I know he is not happy with his life right now, and that he is confused. But why do I feel that? What is wrong with me? I don't know, but I guess because someone I love is so broken and there is nothing I can do about it. It is difficult even if he says he does not love me. I don't know how you just stop loving someone, but I wish I did. It would make this whole thing much easier.
So, there it is. I don't want this person who my h has become- but he does not want me either. However I don't want him to be with her either. It's so complicated. Obviously, I can't be with my "old" husband. So, where that leaves me... that is what we will find out. I guess that is silver lining. The world is my oyster. I can control only myself.. and I wouldn't want it to be any other way at this point. (Who would want to force someone to want to be with them?) Again, I know this is a place to fix the r. I don't really don't see that happening. BUT- I do still feel like I am in a safe place here. People understand and don't judge. As I make my journey, my dear, understanding friends, who greeted me quickly and with open arms, will support, guide, and cheer me along the way. And for that- I am grateful! Rest well and buckle up- we are all in for a ride of a lifetime. Let's make it the best!
Yes, Sarah- lets hope they see what it was they really had to have. I don't know why they had to leave the security of their family to be with the craziness of the ow... but it is what it is. I don't know why I want him to see her for who she really is so badly, and I guess her see him that way too. Whatever...
Anyway, I had a much better day today. I don't know why, but I will take it! And, with the kick in the pants from AJ, I got the strength to send h a list of things ($) he owes from our agreement. I really hesitated, as I wanted to dodge the wrath that would ensue... Well, I sent it last night.
I did hear back from h today (while at work, of course). And he was not receptive. I got the "Are you kidding me???????" And crying about how little he has now. Seriously?! This was his choice. He is in a 2 income home now. He has a house, which is way more expensive than mine, and new Cadillac, new PS4 (to lure my son), went on vacation with ow, trying to plan a trip with kids.... whatever. Cry me a river. This was all his choice. If he wants to play the "Who Got Screwed Over More" game, I win! If he wants to play the "Who Got Screwed" game, well... that would be the pregnant hww and him. I just need to take care of my kids, and that is my priority- even if he does not see that. He just does not want to be bothered by anything in his fancy new life. On a good note: I planned a last minute trip! I am driving 6.5 hours tomorrow to take s17 and his friend to a concert. They have been wanting to go. D and I will hang out and find something to do while they are there. I love road trips. I'm looking forward to a fun time and hanging out with the kids!
Hi Mighty, This forum isn't just about repairing your M. In fact it's mostly about YOU. There are very few who don't question if they can ever take back the WAS, many more that would NEVER want them back. Your sitch is a hard one. The trying to have another baby and not being able and then he gets another woman pregnant...very hard thing to deal with. I wonder if he even IS the father at this point. If I were him, I'd really make sure to get a DNA test!
2 months before B-day my W talked me into getting a vasectomy. I didn't want to but she told me that it would make her feel better as she was so afraid that she may get preg. "by mistake" (even though our sex life was almost non-existent). Before the Dr would do it we had to fill out forms stating that neither of us were thinking at all about separation or D. My W said she would never leave or want a D. 12 weeks later when we got the all clear from Dr. she tells me she wants a D and has no plans to even try to "fix" things! When I brought that up she said that she can't help that she "changed her mind"! M 20 years and in 12 weeks she went from NEVER get a D to it being the ONLY answer. Now, if I meet someone who wants a family what am I supposed to do? I never would have gotten it if I thought she would ever leave. You just can't trust MLCers to be honest about anything, not even things that can't be undone.
You are early in this process, Mighty. Your confusion and pain is natural. We all miss our old S's, the ones we loved totally for so long. They are gone forever and whether or not the person we loved can ever reintegrate and maybe come back into our lives is something we have no control over. Either way it will be a long time until your H is even close to being there. By the time he is, whether or not you care is totally up to you. I still love and care about my W. It isn't 'normal" to turn off 20 years of love in a heartbeat or say ILYBINILWY. To blame the person who cared about them the most in this world for every bad thing or bad feeling they had or have. Would I take her back if she said she wanted to try? I'm not sure as I know enough about MLC now to know she isn't near ready yet. Will I if she does down the road? I don't know. It depends on so many things.
I get the anger, the pain, the disbelief, all of us here do. We've been there as well. You will make it Mighty. You can and will use this to become a better person than you ever thought possible. Good luck and post often!
Awwww.... thanks, Matt! Thanks for stopping over, too. Yeah, if he doesn't get a DNA test, he's crazier than I thought! I've been reading some of your sitch, too. It's a tough road they put us on. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right?!
That's so unfortunate, the situation your w put you in with the vasectomy. Man, I just don't get it. And really, they probably don't either! It's for them to figure out, anyway.
I read this recently and I really like it (not sure the source):
God wrecks your plans when he sees your plans are going to wreck you.
Well, keep your head up, Matt. I look forward to seeing you continue to climb the mountain and reach the summit. I will be somewhere making my journey, too. We will get stronger the further we climb.
Greetings! I got back awhile ago from road trip with kids. We had a great time. S17 and his friend had the best time at the concert. It was a 5 hour show. D13 and I went shopping (even though I am not much of a shopper, I have found that D13 and I have a lot of fun doing it. It is becoming a new experience for me) and had all sorts of fun. We all laughed, played music loudly, sang, danced, laughed more and had a great time. It was so great seeing s really just relax and have fun. S and D got along so well (they have become quite close the past couple months- have shared many things together and, as both teenagers now, have found more to bond about.), and less arguing- yahoo!! This morning, we took our time, relaxed, and went to eat before hitting the road. It was really nice to call the shots. I am much more laid back than h. I have lived many years on his schedule and feeling his anxiety. He was always in a rush to get nowhere. Anyway, I really did enjoy that. It is a different experience to really be aware of the choices I can make. Sometimes I find that I feel the rush and anxiety of h, just because I knew it was coming and would be "pushed" on me. Well, that does take a toll and becomes almost ingrained. I have to retrain myself for my own wants and needs.
Soooo..... it was a great time. I am so glad we went. The kids were too.
I did think often of h. I do miss him. The last text I got from him was, "Leave me alone." I have been nc with him, but I did contact him in regards to the things he still owes as per our agreement. He was not receptive, told me I was greedy (so laughable) and to leave him alone. Obviously, it's not that that I miss. And as far a leaving him alone, it came across as very juvenile. It seems like he just wants to be left alone from life? Who knows, but he does not want to be bothered with responsibility, that's for sure. And in the past month, that is the only time I have had any contact with him. He, on the other hand, has reached out to me a couple of time (I haven't responded). I wonder how he feels when I don't respond, or even wonder why he is reaching out. I know this should not be my focus, but it does enter my mind.
It was a little disheartening that I didn't have anyone to communicate with or even care that I was traveling. There was not a call/text to tell anyone we got there safely. No one texted to check in. I got home to an empty house and no one to tell that we arrived home from our trip or to tell about it to. That part stings a little. I have never known otherwise. I have been with h since hs. I went from my mom's house to living with h. It was bitter-sweet. I am getting stronger every day. I am laughing more and enjoying things more. But the shadow of my h is always there. Everything reminds me of him-everything. I have waves of sadness hit me out of nowhere. But, like I said, I am finding new things that I am enjoying in life and about myself. I am way more relaxed- and that is my personality. I am so glad about that. I'm making strides. I know there will be downfalls and more obstacles, but each step feels good.
AND!!!!!!!! I've hired a contractor to finish the upstairs bathroom! It should be done in about a week. I am so over it! It has been incomplete for two years, and I have been trying to chip away at it this summer. These jobs have been overwhelming and I feel like a prisoner to them. I know when they are done, it will be a HUGE relief!
Take care. I hope everyone is well and making improvements, too. This journey is not easy, but it will be fruitful!
He, on the other hand, has reached out to me a couple of time (I haven't responded). I wonder how he feels when I don't respond, or even wonder why he is reaching out. I know this should not be my focus, but it does enter my mind.
These are likely 'touch and goes' The idea is that they are like a toddler in the next room having a tantrum but wanting to be reassured that 'mom' is still there and paying attention.
'Leave me alone' is soooooo childish and dramatic. Actually it is the last thing he probably really wants: they often want to be pursued so they can reject.
I'm so sorry you are in this tough sitch. I can relate with you though...my H and I are hs sweethearts also. No matter what you do, where you go, something reminds you of them.
I'm new on this roller coaster ride too, but if we can all hang on together we will be better at the end. Keep focusing on you and the kids...glad you guys had a good trip! (BTW you have all of us to talk about your wonderful trips, I know not the same, but we are all here for you)
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Ggrass- yes, don't reply! It totally helps make you stronger and makes you feel so much better! It is part of taking back your power. Of course they want you to engage in their craziness. Don't get sucked in. It helps separate you from their weirdo mentality and the crazy-train they are riding (I don't think they are in control of their own crazy train).
Atsbaby- thanks for the support. Yes, it was nice to be able to come on here and share my trip. It is a safe zone. Thank goodness for good people like you and others here to take interest. Yes, we will hang on together and cheer each others' successes. I'm sorry you are having hard times, too. Keep your head up! We will do this with a great attitude to make the journey worth the trip.
