Labug, what I mean is... I have lost the ability to talk to him in a relaxed way. I'm trying to beat down the defensiveness and fear that is blocking me from being natural with him. Every word we say to each other there are just "DANGER! DANGER!" signs screaming at me, and a cacophony of voices behind me screaming "Do this! Don't do that! Be guarded! Be real! Think of the kids! Why is he here? What does he want? What does this mean?" and subtext of our entire past, the people around both of us, my appearance, everything, it's all just weighing on me during the simplest interactions. I feel like if I could just release all that and -- yes -- relax, that it would make a difference at least to me.
I feel like I just got a glimpse of myself in the third person. Yikes.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
See maybell, when I have sat down with my h, it's was normal just like we were together.
I felt it he felt it, it's why I'm sure he keeps me at arms length. It's also the reason why I could not be a friend as is often talked about in db, I would come home and sob! I could not do it.
Not sure if it makes me weak or Just human.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I am drawn to your posts because you are SO honest and raw with your feelings. it is refreshing.. probably because I don't have that ability.
I want to say a couple of things to you.
In terms of your mother, I completely understand how frustrating it is when anyone who is a third-party to your relationship makes a comment. I have had to repeatedly tell my sister that she can either go along with how I I choose to act, or she and I can stop talking about my R altogether.
However, what I have realized in the time since my own BD is that people comment on what they *think* you should do, but not necessarily on what they would do.
For example, my father has repeatedly told me that "any decision is better than no decision" and that it's time to move on, etc. He's been saying that since about a week after the initial BD.
Now, the reason this is interesting is this: When I was approximately 5 years old, my mother had a PA. She told me dad after about six months, at which point he asked her to move out. They told us they were getting a D. We moved out with my mother for several months, but during this time my father decided to "stand" for the marriage. My mother didn't end the PA for quite some time, but eventually they reconciled and they're still together to this day.
So, as you can see, my father gives me advice that is extremely different to his own actions. Even more interesting, I only know about this entire set of circumstances from my mother. I do remember all this taking place, but my sister doesn't. My father has never spoken to me about it, even NOW when I am going through similar experiences of me own (although, no EA/PA in my relationship).
I guess my point is that I am sure your mother means well, but it seems to me that parents just want to do whatever they can to "fix" the pain their child is going through, and they give advice accordingly. It doesn't mean it's the right advice; and if it isn't what you need, I'd try to avoid it. I know I do.
On another note, I thought it might be interesting to you to hear about a relationship that is now going strong, despite months of turmoil. I know the situation is reversed.. as in, my mother had the PA, not my father.. but it goes to show that relationships CAN be salvaged.
Wow, Vossy, that is really helpful. Thank you a LOT.
I know my mom is extremely averse to any pain at all for any of her children. Sometimes to our extreme detriment -- for example, my brother has a terrible overbite from sucking his thumb, but she wasn't willing to get him the orthodontic treatment necessary to fix it because she didn't want him to hurt, and now to this day he can't eat a sandwich because his teeth don't meet properly.
That doesn't make it helpful when I'm all emotional and she's pulling out every scrap of evidence she's got from family members, etc., for why I need to get away from H. Because I can't remember that that's what she's like.
I need to write reminders on the insides of my wrists again. And figure out how to get noise-blocking headphones for the inside of my head.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Actually, JCred I will respectfully disagree. I think you should always be pleasant and take the high road. Honestly in some sitches doing so will make the WAS angry and in some the was will be receptive. In Maybell's sitch, it sounds like she and her h can be cordial so that has been established. Now it's time to test new topics of conversation. M
Not trying to be adversarial, however the way you communicate will not always dictate how someone responds.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Actually, JCred I will respectfully disagree. I think you should always be pleasant and take the high road.
It's fine to disagree. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Michelle says the following in DR, page 51 in the "relationship quiz".. (I don't see any mention of always being pleasant.) I believe that is impossible in a relationship. I have no idea what you mean by always taking the "high road." Everybody thinks they take the high road. (Even the WS.) I would warn you to be wary of that term.
Quote:
Michelle wrote and asked this in the quiz.... 1) Conflict and anger are signs that your marriage is failing
False. All marriages, even the best of marriages, have their ups and downs. It's impossible to live under the same roof with another human being for any length of time and not disagree with them now and then.
People in loving marriages understand that conflict comes with marital territory. It's more than unavoidable, it's NECESSARY. People need to let off steam and air their differences. When they don't, they're in for trouble
The fact is, the single best predictor of divorce is the constant avoidance of conflict.
