I'm glad to see that you got the $450. Don't sell yourself short when it comes to setting a price for tutoring. Tutoring is expensive and why should you short change yourself because others will charge far more than what you charge. You need to check out the going rate for tutoring in your area to see what you should be charging.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was really scared asking for the $450. Really scared. Went for a two mile hike to work off the angst. I wouldn't have asked if you hadn't suggested it.
Thank you Job ;-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, You sell yourself short far too many times. You have the skills, experience and the know how and why shouldn't you raise the bar and ask for a higher price? You can always negotiate and work out something that is fair and reasonable, but when it comes to education...parents generally want the best and are willing to pay for it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think I've had a lifetime of powerful "Heather can't handle life" messages...both from others and--especially myself--I think this journey of Smokey's creation has finally forced me to deal with the past hurt/rejection/grief/abuse I've been carrying. I'm slowly embracing my own worth and value.
When I get quiet, I can still see this little girl huddled in a corner after years and years of neglect...she is in the darkness and afraid to take God's hand to come into the light...she was hurt so many times...much of this was my own doing because I believed the messages swirling around me...and some wasn't my own doing...but, I wasn't strong enough to fight it. Now I am.
Didn't take a phone call from my mom yesterday. I knew she would ruin the buzz of getting the job and the $450.
As I write this, I realize D11 has a similar quality. She is very sensitive to criticism. She takes things to heart and when her sister makes off hand comments...D11 takes them and buries them deep. I need to address this with her. She needs an extra strong sense of self to fend that criticism off and D20 needs to shut the he!! up.
99.5 % won't do.
I'm getting there. I've need to do this in a quiet, safe way...taking small steps out of the darkness.
Last edited by LoisB; 07/31/1401:07 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
She takes things to heart and when her sister makes off hand comments...D11 takes them and buries them deep. I need to address this with her. She needs an extra strong sense of self to fend that criticism off and D20 needs to shut the he!! up.
You don't think they could be two sides of the same coin? Your d 20 doesn't sound like a happy bunny either, and this is her way of expressing it. My dil and her sister are very different. The mother is very like her other d, and as a result my dil felt excluded, but really, it is like the reversed out negative.
The children in a family where one has special needs may act up because they can feel excluded - from the sympathy, the attention, the special bond, whatever.
I am not excusing your elder daughter, she needs to grow up, nor am I criticising you, just saying that the behaviour of every family member usually relates to the others.
As you become stronger i think you will change the dynamic
Yup. I think D20 still has some major issues when it comes to the attention D11 required previously. She still gets her dander up and I, having no special needs sibling, don't have a good handle on what that feels like.
I've noticed...as I get healthier, like you said, the dynamic gets easier and less abusive. Much less.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Just some thoughts I've been considering this morning from the grief from abandonment workbook.
If I was attacked by a grizzly bear, chances are...especially the first time I go for a hike after the attack...I'm going to be hypervigilant and a bit obsessed about grizzly bears. If I happen to see a grizzly bear or something that reminds me of the attack/bear...chances are that I will have an increased heartbeat and some feelings of panic.
That increased heartbeat and feeling of panic could be...in the case of Smokey...be misconstrued and I could be confused thinking that this response by my body indicates that I still have feelings for Smokey.
Smokey hurt me deeply over a long period of time...
Fear incubates over time and builds as your mind tries to avoid any future danger. Hence, what may be a freak occurance where you wandered into the path of a rogue bear...could cause enormous fear in the future.
I have a good friend who witnessed the attack of her sister by a dog. She is 45 and has terrible panic attacks anytime a dog comes near her...even a small dog.
The feelings you get when you are in love and the feelings you get when you are in danger are sometimes very similar...increased heartbeat...feeling of being vulnerable...open to attack...threat of being hurt...but adrenalin surging.
Interesting.
And, when we are hurt deeply, it's easy to put the attacker on a pedestal in order to make sense of the pain.
Smokey is just a really troubled guy. He has some great qualities that attracted me to him...but, his worst quality, in my opinion, is that he was a chameleon. I'm not a chameleon.
Smokey changed who he was, depending on who surrounded him. He was very, very uncomfortable around financially successful people like my dad. He felt much more at home with people who were less than successful and had problems.
I'm not like that. Financially people can make me a bit uncomfortable...but, at the end of the day...I don't change who I am to accommodate others. I am the same person every single day because...I know, in my heart, who I am. Smokey doesn't. He's very broken in that respect. I've always been much stronger in that area...and much kinder and more loyal.
Smokey changes with the wind. Always has. He is defined but what other people say, believe, suggest, think...especially his parents and that's really sad.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I know that you are exploring all avenues of your life, feelings, emotions, etc., put from where I'm sitting, you are putting in far too much energy analyzing your h and what is wrong w/him, etc. Your energies should be focusing on you, your life, your children and looking towards working again (at Kohl's).
No matter how you dice it, your h is gone, he is a broken man and no amount of analyzing will change that situation right now. Use your time wisely to help YOU.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
