URworthy is right. Your h is not the h you knew. My h's gf and all of his new friends say he is going thru MLC and they hope he gets through. I don't know what your h's OW(well, they are all kind of the same) is like, but I imagine she has an a$$load of issues.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/30/1408:08 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
^^^^^ that there is me protecting myself, my kids, and my a$$ets.
After all the other great advice regarding financial protection, kml directed me to Ambivalent's thread last night. Have you read it yet?? If not, especially any fellow newbies, do it, please. I'm so sorry for her sitch. I was stunned at the financial devastation this can, and most often does, cause.
I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow morning. I'm exploring options, but from what I've been able to research, a post-nup/partition agreement is a good possible option in my state, since there is no legal separation here.
If H agrees to that for example, all financial activity i.e. new debt and income post S would be considered individual, we can file a partition of assets. (obviously more detail to this, but not necessary to post).
CAUTION: Mind-Reading Ahead I think there is a strong possibility he may actually agree, knowing that he would not have to show me where he has been spending money this summer. (He doesn't know that I know about their trips, etc.) If D is filed, he will have to disclose all CC charges and expose all his "secrets". Further down the road, he may not care if I know. I am hoping (not expecting) it's early enough that he's agreeable.
If he chooses not to agree, I will have to consider other options, including, but not limited to D (legal jargon, lol). Since I haven't even met with attorney yet, I really don't know what all the options are.
Thanks, everyone, for continuing to remind me that my H is not himself right now. Things H would never do before, are migrating over to the list of "oh, yeah, he did that, too".
Maybe we should start a thread of "Things H would never do before MLC, but has now gone and done"
Given this theory, I'm predicting H will soon be adorning a Kim K@rd@shi@n tattoo someplace highly visible.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
I'd like to suggest that you take some time and visit the MLC archives. There is a wealth information in those archives about the MLCer, the things they say and/or do, etc.
Do whatever you need to do in order to protect your assets and definitely watch the spending.
BTW, your h will become the exact opposite of the man you knew, i.e., as I call them...the mirror image of former selves. Do not rely on him for anything, as he will most often not to show up at appropriate times or do what you would have "expected of him pre crisis.
Live your life to the fullest and detach as much as you can.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, job. Are there any specific posters in archives that you might recommend? I have poked around there, but only a little bit so far. It is some great stuff.
H before MLC was loving, kind, funny, affectionate, responsible, brilliant, talented, respectful, appropriate, considerate, appreciative, sensitive, caring, hard-working, role-model of a man. Not perfect, of course. He had his negative moments as we all do, of being impatient, insecure, and critical.
But then he became so self-loathing and depressed.
I'm scared of what that mirror might look like.
When you say, "your h will become..." Does that mean he's still "becoming"? (I think the real question I'm probably asking is the rhetorical how-much-worse-can-he-get)
Do personality/extreme behaviors continue to worsen only while in replay?
I'm guessing, like most things, it's different for everyone. Mine seems pretty severe (at least to me). I would like to read some more severe MLC threads, knowing mine will not be exactly like others, but there are probably many things that relate.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Shining. I am with you in wanting to learn more. My h is clearly one of the mean ones. It is nearly 1 year since BD and I think 2 since start of crisis. Maybe a bit longer. He is still spiraling down. I would like to read some threads to get some idea of time line. Wonka had said on another thread that he rarely sees the really mean ones make it out. H is so stubborn and now so arrogant.
Ps thanks for your support on my thread. Had to chuckle at your headache comments.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Please forget time lines. Everyone who has been at this any length of time will tell you the same thing. MLC is not a formula. It is when fragile coping strategies break down, and they become their shadow.
Without wanting to put words in Job's mouth, 'they become' means that is the person they turn into for a period of time. The length of this is unknowable.
A few people are relatively fortunate and their spouses do not stay in crisis for long and return to themselves and restore the marriage. Others take much longer and may or may not make it through. Wonka may well be right that the meaner ones stay in crisis, but not enough is known about the whole difficult business for anyone to be sure about this. What I am writing below is my own observation and may well be wrong.
There appear to me to be two groups of MLC marriage. One where the MLC person was amazing and the marriage was very happy, and the other in which the lbs realises that there were always problems (usually drink, drugs or affairs, but sometimes simply difficult behaviour). However ALL of them, I believe, even niceness are coping strategies for deeper problems which they mask until an event triggers the coping strategy breakdown. This breakdown can be more or less gradual. In my case I waatched my husband disintegrate (although I didn't know it at teh time) over a three months period prior to the bomb.
So that the bomb can happen fairly early in the crisis or somw time into it, depending on the length of fuse, if that makes sense.
It is we who have to survive. The MLCer may or may not make it through, and even if they do, the lbs may have moved on and away from the damage, with no desire to return.
I wonder if the really mean ones feel more 'guilty' and have a greater sense of the wrong they have done? this may be what makes it harder to make any sort of amends.
I believe that my xh is having a very severe MLC. He has been in obvious crisis now for nine years. that's right nine! During that time he has been fairly consistently hostile and mean, to the extent that he is currently suing me. He has alienated all of his children, and his two daughters in law.
However, even my xh has had a few periods of clarity before plunging deeper into the tunnel.
Pre crisis my xh was a loving man who valued his family above all else. We were happy and united. We were married over 30 years when the bomb went off.
I am so grateful that I found these boards, without them I do not know what I would have done.
Will he ever come out? Honestly I do not know. Several experienced posters have suggested that he may remain stuck, which is why it is so important to move forward with your own life.
I do not like who he is now - who could? And I do not think he likes himself much. He is full of suppressed rage - that is the biggest change in him, the rage is much more evident over the past year or so. He is so angry is is like a thunder cloud. This may be because he realizes what he has lost, but hasn't got a clue how to put it right. So he continues to loudly proclaim how right he was to leave me.
He recently remarried (not the original OW) but without much enthusiasm, as far as I can see. We have little contact, but when we do speak he still seems like an alien, someone from another planet, and impervious to 'normal' feelings.
Sorry if this is a depressing post. The good news is that I am pretty good, and have rebuilt my life. My kids have pretty much recovered, and my dils are amazing women.
Bea thank you for sharing. I was thinking of you when I wrote above post. Not depressing in that it is what I have been expecting. In the beginning I said I was grateful to h for opening my eyes to many less than pleasant things about myself. I won't take over Shining's thread by listing them!!
Anyway. I realize that when I realized he was in crisis I changed my attitude toward him. Jerk who has an affair and dumps his wife I despise and want to D right away. Depressed man escaping from life with alcohol and OW is in crisis and the "in sickness and in health" trigger goes off. Does that make sense?
Focus back on me and s. There is a song that s likes on the radio. He doesn't listen to the words except for the chorus.
"I didn't know I was broken till I wanted to change". I will keep working on enhancing myself.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I got my news about mediation he consented. Which I'm surprised about, but glad. It will enable me to distance my self from any and all destruction that could occur.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
It is when fragile coping strategies break down, and they become their shadow.
I really believe this ^^^^^^^^
Quote:
There appear to me to be two groups of MLC marriage. One where the MLC person was amazing and the marriage was very happy, and the other in which the lbs realises that there were always problems (usually drink, drugs or affairs, but sometimes simply difficult behaviour). However ALL of them, I believe, even niceness are coping strategies for deeper problems which they mask until an event triggers the coping strategy breakdown. This breakdown can be more or less gradual. In my case I waatched my husband disintegrate (although I didn't know it at teh time) over a three months period prior to the bomb.
And this ^^^^^^^^
My husband was in the second category...his substance abuse and anger was always an issue in our marriage...but, he had these moments of clarity throughout where he accepted responsibility and tried to make things work.
Still, I remember feeling that he was always Giving 300% to just get to his job and get through the day. I tried to reach out and help him see that I would support him in getting help for his depression, anger, addiction...he was adamant and, I see now, that he NEEDED to move through this journey.
One thing HIS journey has done for me...it's validated suspicions I always had about his parents...that they were very abusive and distant and emotionally unavailable. Almost immediately after Smokey moved out of our home and it was revealed there was another woman, my inlaws broke off all contact with our two daughters. They have remained unavailable throughout the crisis...with a few moments of mediocre support. Most recently, they acted--my MIL--especially--have exhibited their own MLC behaviors. They sent my D20 a terrible, guilting B'day card blaming her for not seeing them or her cousins...bear in mind, they haven't made an effort to see our girls.
Anyway, my point is...my H came from a really broken, unhealthy situation and he's running/facing it now. He never learned how to cope in this world...I see now he was always a FAKE in terms of showing the world a front instead of believing in/loving his true self. He felt he had to BE something he wasn't. It's all very sad.
When things got very rough for us with a daughter with special needs and financial difficulties...he ran hard. All that past hurt hit him like a wall of pain.
I believe that. It's not you Shining. It really isn't. Try and make that your mantra.
You will be ok. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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