I thought when I posted my question, that I had answered it as well. I just wanted confirmation/support that my response was a good one.
Gabby... no, I am not trying to make it evident with my words, but my ACTIONS.
Saying "no thank you" is harder to say when its what you ultimately want.
Matt ... I have changed the way I behave (in front of him), since June 13. I still struggle on the inside, this is true. I am trying to learn how not to care about his response/reaction. But, I still do. I agree he needs to treat me the "right" way. I get confused by his "offers", wondering if these are his attempts to make headway in the right direction. Keeping things on HIS terms. Although, I do see them as lazy attempts. Not clear. He is keeping his option open with me, on HIS terms.....
I need MY terms met, as well.
I'm not so sure he thinks I am available to him, as I haven't been since June 13 (cold & grumpy). Last night, I went to the concert & left work in a rush. As I was running out the door, he was asking if I wanted to help him with a work issue. I said, no...sorry, I've got things to do. I realized that I left whirlwind, kinda rude, so texted later to apologize and to say that I had to leave earlier than expected. He texted back... several times throughout the evening. He didn't know what I was up to....
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Had a great time at the concert. My GF is the BEST!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
OK MM, I understand that the fact that you still have feelings for him is making it harder for you. You want to see his "offers" as much more than what he thinks they are. ANY offer to do ANYTHING is just window dressing until he says, loud and clear, that he is ready to give your R a chance. Do not ask him "does this mean you are ready to try", do not say "I gave you a chance, told you what I need" or say anything about R or lack there of when he makes an offer to do something together. Just don't be interested in doing anything with him until he says he is ready and wants to give your R another chance. Until he says that loud and clear, unambiguously, you must have no desire to spend any part of your busy life with someone who dumped you after 20 years together, tried to get you to have a "friends with benefits" relationship only, flirted with other women in front of you, dated other women and told you about it, etc.
Yes, we all get how hard it is. We all still had feelings for our WAS's at first and we all had to work hard to just stop doing the things that you are doing. It isn't easy. It hurts and it s$#ks. Until you can face that pain and do what we have suggested, even though it feels wrong and what you really want to do is get things back to the way they were before the bomb drop, see signs of him changing his mind in his offers, find some words that will get him to see the light, make him see the error of his ways and that he is making a huge mistake in leaving the R, believe his words about maybe someday being ready to try again (you can't believe ANYTHING they say), you will never be able to move on, nor will he ever see you any other way but how he does now.
It's not "fair". It's not right. Nobody should just walk away from 20 years together the way he did. But he did and he isn't going to change his mind if things don't change a lot more than they have. You can point out the changes you have made, your not being available, the way you behave in front of him, etc. (to us not him) That isn't enough. He must think that not only aren't you available, even if you were you wouldn't go near him, you don't want what he is offering unless and until he shows you the respect you deserve and makes it clear that he is willing to do what HE needs to do to get YOU back. If he wants you back in his life he will need to work, HARD, to prove HE is worthy of YOU! You don't make him understand this with words. You do it with actions and attitude.
It's been 2 years and little has changed. He is no closer to wanting a R with you then he was 2 years ago. Nothing short of you doing all this will make him change one bit. In the mean time, while you do this, at first, if you have to, to get him to actually change his mind, you will find that you will start enjoying your life without him. One day you will realize that not only aren't you doing this to get him to change his mind and want you back but that you are happy with your life, maybe even happier than you were when you were together as a couple. But for that day to come, you have to do ALL of the things everyone has been telling you. Is it hard? Yes. Is it "fair". No. But it is the only way you will ever be free to be the best MM you can be.
Please don't ask questions about certain situations or events. What I am saying is simple...he gets zero MM until he works his butt off to deserve MM. If it is a work event, go on your own. If he asks to go somewhere together that isn't work related, the answer is no. No explanation, no excuses. If you are together and someone thinks you are a couple, you tell them that you aren't! Smile when you say it. You are absolutely, totally fine single. In fact you're glad to be free of him! If he thinks that you no longer want him because you said that, perfect! Let him think YOU don't want HIM! How can it hurt MM? Has trying to make sure he knows if he's ready so are you helped one bit? The best thing that can happen IMO is for him to think it's too late. He waited too long and he lost his chance to ever get back together! Remember, unless he says that he wants to try to work on having a R, until he says those words, you don't care if he's angry, sad, happy, worried or nauseous. You must do this MM. It's your last hope!
OK MM, I understand that the fact that you still have feelings for him is making it harder for you. You want to see his "offers" as much more than what he thinks they are. ANY offer to do ANYTHING is just window dressing until he says, loud and clear, that he is ready to give your R a chance. Do not ask him "does this mean you are ready to try", do not say "I gave you a chance, told you what I need" or say anything about R or lack there of when he makes an offer to do something together. Just don't be interested in doing anything with him until he says he is ready and wants to give your R another chance. Until he says that loud and clear, unambiguously, you must have no desire to spend any part of your busy life with someone who dumped you after 20 years together, tried to get you to have a "friends with benefits" relationship only, flirted with other women in front of you, dated other women and told you about it, etc.
Yes, we all get how hard it is. We all still had feelings for our WAS's at first and we all had to work hard to just stop doing the things that you are doing. It isn't easy. It hurts and it s$#ks. Until you can face that pain and do what we have suggested, even though it feels wrong and what you really want to do is get things back to the way they were before the bomb drop, see signs of him changing his mind in his offers, find some words that will get him to see the light, make him see the error of his ways and that he is making a huge mistake in leaving the R, believe his words about maybe someday being ready to try again (you can't believe ANYTHING they say), you will never be able to move on, nor will he ever see you any other way but how he does now.
It's not "fair". It's not right. Nobody should just walk away from 20 years together the way he did. But he did and he isn't going to change his mind if things don't change a lot more than they have. You can point out the changes you have made, your not being available, the way you behave in front of him, etc. (to us not him) That isn't enough. He must think that not only aren't you available, even if you were you wouldn't go near him, you don't want what he is offering unless and until he shows you the respect you deserve and makes it clear that he is willing to do what HE needs to do to get YOU back. If he wants you back in his life he will need to work, HARD, to prove HE is worthy of YOU! You don't make him understand this with words. You do it with actions and attitude.
It's been 2 years and little has changed. He is no closer to wanting a R with you then he was 2 years ago. Nothing short of you doing all this will make him change one bit. In the mean time, while you do this, at first, if you have to, to get him to actually change his mind, you will find that you will start enjoying your life without him. One day you will realize that not only aren't you doing this to get him to change his mind and want you back but that you are happy with your life, maybe even happier than you were when you were together as a couple. But for that day to come, you have to do ALL of the things everyone has been telling you. Is it hard? Yes. Is it "fair". No. But it is the only way you will ever be free to be the best MM you can be.
Please don't ask questions about certain situations or events. What I am saying is simple...he gets zero MM until he works his butt off to deserve MM. If it is a work event, go on your own. If he asks to go somewhere together that isn't work related, the answer is no. No explanation, no excuses. If you are together and someone thinks you are a couple, you tell them that you aren't! Smile when you say it. You are absolutely, totally fine single. In fact you're glad to be free of him! If he thinks that you no longer want him because you said that, perfect! Let him think YOU don't want HIM! How can it hurt MM? Has trying to make sure he knows if he's ready so are you helped one bit? The best thing that can happen IMO is for him to think it's too late. He waited too long and he lost his chance to ever get back together! Remember, unless he says that he wants to try to work on having a R, until he says those words, you don't care if he's angry, sad, happy, worried or nauseous. You must do this MM. It's your last hope!
Matt, That was an excellent posting. I couldn't have said it any better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
spirit fingers?!?! i had to look that up. excellent.
and MM, dont say Matt misunderstood, or he doesnt know, or he's mistaken, dont write it off to not knowing what he's talking about. He gave you excellent advice.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
