It's really awful when both (or all) options seem like they could be unpleasant. I need to stop thinking about all the possible permutations. For now, my focus is just on keeping busy and keeping myself in a good head space in the hope that it will carry through tomorrow as well.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
It's really awful when both (or all) options seem like they could be unpleasant. I need to stop thinking about all the possible permutations. For now, my focus is just on keeping busy and keeping myself in a good head space in the hope that it will carry through tomorrow as well.
Exactly! And Maybelle is right on (again). One foot in front of the other.
I found a card today that said, "Life can only be understood backwards but must be lived forwards." It reminded me that I really should be keeping a journal of what works and what doesn't vs. just all of these feelings.
Journaling: today was pretty good, all things considered. I slept in, went for a bike ride, and spent much of the afternoon cleaning, doing laundry, and decluttering. The apartment is looking better and better. I'm doing this primarily for me - I've decided I deserve a tidier place to live - but I'll also admit that a small part of me hopes that H. notices how clean things are and how nicely I've kept things while he's been away.
Speaking of which, H. is back tomorrow. I'm nervous. After two weeks of almost no contact, I have no idea what he'll be like, and his return has me anxious.
I've also been a bit stuck on the idea that while he's been away he's been calling or sending photos to his online friend. I asked him not to do this way back when this first came out, but he has a temporary number and is away from me and could do anything without me knowing. Honestly, the possibility has been bothering me off and on. I'm trying not to think about it, but that doesn't always work so well.
I could also use some advice on two things. First, H. will be back sometime within a two hour period tomorrow. I'm not sure what I should be doing. I feel weird when he comes in and I'm sitting on the couch, like I'm waiting here for him - I don't like giving that impression. So, I'm wondering if I should be out when he gets in or be here and doing something around the apartment singing and dancing to music.
This seems kind of weird to note, but I've felt like we've been in some kind of game of chicken to see who's here when the other person gets in. I have no proof of this, but it's seemed like he's gone out just before he knows I'm coming home so I come home to an empty apartment and then he comes home to me afterwards. This might be totally crazy and another example of me trying to mind read, but if I go out that leaves him the opportunity to drop his stuff and go out for a long walk alone (although I suppose he could just as easily drop his stuff and tell me he's going out if I'm here.)
Second, the birthday cake question. H. was away for his birthday and I'm considering making him a cake. I know this seems like pursuing, but here's the thing - I didn't make him one last year, and when this all came out in February, he said he was upset about that (despite never liking any kind of fuss made about his birthday). He could get mad that I made one (because he had to ask for it), but he could also get mad if I don't make one (because I let him down again), but making one seems like the right thing to do, and I'm trying to base my damned if I do and damned if I don't decisions on what my moral compass says. Additional opinions would be appreciated, though.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Hmmm, ok, let's see. On item #1 my first instinct would be to be out when he's supposed to be home but then you mentioned the game of chicken and now I'm curfuffled. That's a toughie. What if you're home mid cake making but have somewhere to go soon after he arrives home? Ugh, this all seems so contrived. Don't play the game. If you're home, be home. If you're not, fine. What would you be doing if he weren't due home? Do THAT!! Loudly and with music on!
The second thing, I'd make the cake. Worst thing that happens? He gives you a woefully insufficient thank you but even then there's still cake and there are few downsides to cake, IMO. Have no expectations. You're a nice person who makes cakes for birthdays. Would you do that for a room mate? Sure you would. Bake on!
I'm anxious for you about tomorrow. Eat blueberries and walnuts... Good foods to combat anxiety (I am a wealth of useless information... Until that information becomes useful, hee hee). Please let us know how everything goes but make sure you start the day with NO expectations. Take care of you and breathe!!
On the cake, I lean towards make it. You're still married, living together, so normal would be to make it. There's no reason to escalate the distance between you now. On the other hand, if he comes home to ask for a separation, a cake is super awkward. Eat out and let the restaurant staff know it's a birthday celebration? Buy a dessert & nice bottle of wine -- but nothing so elaborate that it can't be quietly downplayed if necessary? Buy a couple of cute cupcakes?
Home or out... Whatever you would ordinarily be doing at that time of day, I think. It's a big window, so just focus on yourself and whatever fits your routine.
Good luck!!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
And, I literally just got an IM. H. asking if I'm here. He tells me he's moved his ticket and is staying until Monday because family stuff came up. Many long explanations of only seeing his mom a few times and family not being around and on and on.
All I said was that it sounds like fun for him to stay and that it sounded like he hasn't seen his family together much at all. I guess that was validating. I said far less than he did - just made a few comments about him not seeing his sister, who he doesn't like.
Honestly, part of me wants to try to get into his email. I sincerely doubt he changed his ticket only 12 hours before he was supposed to leave, which would mean he was putting off telling me. And IMing me at 10:45 the night before feels really not cool, and possibly like he was actually trying to avoid me by getting in touch when I might not be at the computer.
I guess I don't know what any of this means, but it feels like a blow, both because he's staying and because of the way he's handled it. I can't imagine he didn't know it would upset me, and it feels like an intentionally hurtful thing to leave it so late to tell me.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
. Pulling fir you!