Don't know what to do, fight for it or move on

[TRDiver]

Hello All,

Not sure where to begin or what to say. I'll try to cut right to it. [re-reading this I realize I sound horrible, there are good / great times etc but I'm cutting to the issues and being fully honest with my faults]

We've been together since high school. Very inseparable, very close. Never fighting. My wife has been amazing through the entire relationship, very much the ultra giver and sacrificer. I own most of the problems in the relationship, Substance Abuse issues which I have corrected for the most part (one slip in two years) however the damage has been done, esp to her self esteem and self worth and her trust in me. I've crushed her heart as she says. Also lack of household help; until recently suffered from a mentality that providing the pay check and whatnot was what it meant.

In college she did cheat on me which I now realize I've spent many years punishing her for, with non-trust and cutting comments. Instead of being her best cheerleader I saw myself as her coach / fixer. Used cutting comments to build my low esteem up from the cheating. I'm very humorous by nature, but at some point it turned into mean and cutting and not funny; and it took a great toll on her. I've breached trust in serious ways (stolen medications, broken promises, mean comments, etc).

Two years ago she had enough and separated, I cleaned myself up with the SA issues. Started to correct the mean / nasty side as well. We fell into some hardship and I allowed resentments and negativity to get the best of me and slipped back into old cutting comments / not helping around the house / not appreciating her - it forms a pattern she and I both see over the years. I can be quite harsh in how I say things, blunt if you will. It does impact our daughters too which is part of why she is leaving and kills me so I must correct that.

As the sig points out, she's called it quits a few months ago. I've since learned there was / is another man in the situation. Wife says she loves me, but not in love with me. Will always love me and carry me with her, but cannot do 'this' any more. I rightly agree, and am willing to work on it, however she's closed off to this. Too little too late, etc, how will it be different this time, it is way to easy for her to fall back into the same pattern with me, etc.

I can tell that she doesn't want this and would love for it to be different, but there's 1) the other relationship 2) she's exhausted and rightly so form carrying the burdens for so long 3) can't trust me or that any changes will stick 4) she's finally allowing herself to feel the anger and betrayal of my past behaviour rather than compartmentalizing so there's a huge hill to climb.

She's always born the responsibility for my happiness in her or felt that she had to, which I didn't expect, but nonetheless had taken on. It has exhausted her, and now that I see it must be horrible. She's tried via her love for so long to help me and bring me up and it has worn her down. She rightly says now, now that I've left you had it in you all along to improve and change but why now? Much like the WAW section in DR, it is very much because she's gone I've been forced to review but she's understandably very frustrated at that.

She says the OM treats her like a princess and makes her happy, however a female friend of hers that I've been working with to really 'see the light' and view things from another perspective advised her to work on our marriage or at least close one door before opening another. She broke it off with the OM, but also told me she was closing the door on me, or closing both doors and slogging it on her own. I've since discovered she's back in contact and I suspect the relationship will bloom again or already has. That is to say, the door for them was shut a week, but for us perm.

For my part I realize I have a ton of work to do, I love my wife and realize I have selfishness, low esteem and other issues to work on and overcome. I would love to apply DB / LRT and work my issues but I'm afraid there's too much to overcome and no time as she's enthralled with the OM (I knew she was heading to a relationship with him before she did, that's how close we are / were). I've just started IC, it is slow going here because of the system but I will work it. I am willing to put all the necessary and hard yards in.

We are very friendly and amicable, have decided to co-parent, friends, etc. In the last two months I have pushed hard for reconciliation so I've made all the classic mistakes. I'm working on detaching and GAL but I'm afraid just reading through above that there's no point / hope esp if she's happy, should I even bother. I know within me there's been a sea change, and I can't ever treat her the way I did, but of course there's no way to say that; I have to show it. I've really been soul searching and with the help of her friend really looking at things differently than I ever have. I think with two years of hard sobriety under me my brain has changed and I see things differently and there's a good foundation; however, is it too late?

We are great friends and I want my family restored and to get back to the man / husband she was proud of and wanted to be with, but I fear it is impossible. I'm mostly through the DR book, but I'm very confused because we've never been a traditional couple nor done things similar to others. We even say to each other there's no manual now for this we have to take it one day at a time - I firmly believe she's done, but I also know there's a part of her that wants it to not be done, but I don't know if that's 22 years inertia and/or if the infatuation with the OM can be overcome.

I don't know what to do? I realize I should GAL and improve for me and my daughters, but should I try to fight for this marriage or a new relationship with my wife or let her go with the new man. I'd love nothing more than to restore the family unit and tackle the world together as we used to, but I fear it is too late.

I guess in the meantime, do I let her know I know she's rekindled with the OM? She's moving out in a few days to finish her uni degree (last term) and will be much closer to OM. Or do I ignore it? So many questions.

I should mention that things sound horribly bleak above, but I'm not that horrible / bad. I have a lot of work to do and willing to do it, but not sure where to start, what to do, etc. I find myself oft wondering how I let things get to this point.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Gotan74]

It's really up to you if you want it fight for it. It is going to be a lot of work and an uphill battle, examine your faults and work on yourself. Good luck

[TRDiver]

Thank you very much for reading. For my part I would like to work my issues and try to save it. I guess that leads to some initial questions:

1) Do I acknowledge / let it be known that I know about the OM rekindling?

2) We have a meeting on Tuesday with my counsellor. It was at one time to help me move on, then to maybe discover is she can work through her anger and now again to help me move on / with our girls. Do I keep this with her or just go solo? Could this be a could vehicle to address the OM / other relationship situation?

I'm inclined to keep it with her, and also inclined to ask the counsellor if there's a way to work to re-build trust or the relationship but that's probably chasing behaviour? I'm encouraged that my wife is willing to go to the counsellor and she's also seeing one of her own to help work through her issues that allowed me to hurt her and her anger.

3) Our 14th anniversary is in a couple weeks, do I acknowledged this?

4) Our town is quite small / isolated (7K and rural Australia so things are limited) and I'll become primary care taker of kids so any ideas on GAL? I've spent 1/2 my life just doing things with my wife so I'm really at a loss on this one. She's taken care of the kids for the most part so I'll have a steep curve on that. Finances may be strained as well.

I have tons more but this is a good start.

[TRDiver]

Well, I messed it up quite a bit. Cell phone bill due tomorrow, saw that she'd begun texting OM again and asked her about it. She says she's dealing with him missing her, but that not started up.

She's obviously furious that I've been looking at the bill and could see she was texting him. She's going to get a pre-paid now.

I should have listened to my gut to stay silent, but I couldn't help it. Idiot.

[TRDiver]

Been a lot of tension between us. It is tough because almost every talk goes somewhat serious, but I'm working on not R talk at all.

The other night I was headed out to AA and went to say goodbye to the kids, she said I love you. I said woah, and she said well I do. It was very confusing because these had stopped within the last few weeks. I just wrapped my arm around her and she held onto it. Kissed the back of her neck and went to meeting. I probably shouldn't have done that, but n that moment we were whole again.

I can tell there's a part of her way deep down that cares still, but it is walled off and protecting her, as it should be. I've really harmed her heart and she has every right to be angry and hurt.

She has so much anger, I hope time and space can lessen that and maybe give us another chance. She's moving to uni today so very sad and time for me to dig deep as I become a single dad. So much to learn.

[TRDiver]

Just Journalling,

Been a few days in the house without WAW. Tbh it is kind of nice as the tension is way less. Not much progress on GAL, it is a very difficult situation as I have to work and take care of kids and being recently moved to the area no friends or people to mix with.

We've had some friendly txt exchanges, I'm only responding to her messages so that part of detachment is going ok.

I'm quite sure she's in contact with OM and probably has seen him since moving for uni, but can't control that. There's also a part of me that sees this an opportunity as when we were together there were a lot of life goals / things I couldn't do. Travel is one, she rarely liked it. However trouble is now that I'm a single parent that's quite difficult to accomplish.

If any other single parents that are in somewhat isolated rural areas have GAL ideas I'd really appreciate them, I'm finding that to be challenge.

[Mike559]

Every situation is unique but similar if that makes any sense. There are a lot of people that will shed light but look at Cadet's post and try to adhere to that. While my situation is different than yours, I am sure that the emotions are pretty similar, and I did many of the classic mistakes to reconcile as well. Only about a week into Last Resort Technique, but I'll tell you what, I have myself back. Try it, DETACH, be the best man and father that you can be. The advice that someone put on my thread which is so true, is become the man that only a fool would leave.

If it doesn't work out, at least you will have the building blocks to know that you can survive without her in place. Better than get to that place now. If it does work out, she will come back to a man stronger than the one that she left.

[TRDiver]

Thanks for commenting!

Having a rough day today. Very sad, just a few months ago we were texting back and fourth to each other how things were going well. Now a 22 year relationship is over and in days (or perhaps prior) she already has a new relationship. That's a tough one to accept, esp regardless of the issues mentioned we'd always been very close.

Struggling with scale and scope of it all. I realise I need to GAL and improve me, but wow the feeling of loss is so strong and overwhelming.

I still want to fight for it, but hard to escape the all is hopeless thoughts. Thanks for reading and just having the forum to express.

[Gotan74]

Try to keep it together and be strong. You have to be strong for your kids I know it's tough but it will help in the end.