Saving my family - Part 12

[Scorp7]

Another new chapter:

Part 1 Part 2
Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6
Part 7 Part 8 Part 9
Part 10
Part 11

Well, I am taking action for my kids and for myself. I can understand why some would think that I may not be making the best choices. Please keep in mind that none of you have all of the information and that each situation is different.

I have informed my W that I will be starting to implement shared time with our kids in the coming week. She may not like it. Should I base my actions on what is best for my kids on how my W may react? No.

My kids are NOT happy with how things are currently. My D6 is in counselling every week dealing with issues from my W's actions. I have seen the effect on both my D4 and S2 as well.

Every decision I have made was with the idea of trying to avoid a battle that would have my kids caught in the middle. Some would say in an effort to avoid a battle I sat on my hands for too long. That may well be the case. I tried to avoid getting into any sort of battle over our kids because that is one of the worst situations a family can find themselves in.

So, I am faced with a choice. Continue to let my W dictate the situation, see my kids for 6 days a month or a bit more if there happens to be a school holiday, OR stand up for what I believe is right for my kids.

They need both their parents equally. There has been a TON of research on this topic over the past several years that backs this up. The notion that children do better when with one parent for the majority of the time is totally false in most cases. No situation after a D is perfect for the kids, that is why I am not closing the door on a R with my W. The best choice for my family is that my kids have equal time with both parents.

[Upwards]

I haven't read through the full threads so don't know the whole situation however what's jumped out at me is your determination for "50/50" and "equal time" - I'm aware this is what is deemed the best in most situations there (it's not here in UK) however I don't think the split should be the issue here, I think what is best for the kids should be the issue now & in the short term.

As a mother I'd be very reluctant to jump from 6 days a month to 50/50 and would expect a slow transition where trust can be built and the kids have time to adjust. I know your kids are your number 1 priority, but do you honestly think jumping to 50/50 is the answer?

As far as telling your wife your keeping them with you for an extra 4 days, if that was my H I would hit the roof!! If it had been arranged in advance, discussed & an agreement made then that's completely different but not at such short notice. An extra 4 days is a long time for your children.

If it was me id be working on a propsal of SLOWLY increasing the amount of time with you with the end result being close to 50/50 if that's what you see as the most suitable outcome for your children.

[3boymom]

Scorp - I really believe that you need to go back and carefully read the advice that you have been given. You have received excellent advice from people that I highly respect on this board. And yet, you just continue to justify you actions over and over again. What you and your wife are doing at the moment is not working. So maybe you should listen to some of the advice that others have to offer. We are actually trying to help you improve your situation.

This current discussion about next week with your kids started by you asking whether or not you should take the kids and not tell their mom until after the fact that you were taking them for a week. Not only is this childish and not in the best interest of your children, I would consider it kidnapping (which is what I believe your wife did when she left). NO ONE has the right to take children without telling another spouse. If I was happily M to my H and one day he took the kids and sent me an email saying, "oh by the way I took the kids on a week long vacation, see you next Friday" I would lose my mind. So you can say all you want that you are their dad and you are entitled to 50/50, but you are not handling this in the best interest of your children.

For months and months, you sat at home waiting and not seeing your children. Now, you have done a complete 180 and are demanding 50/50, which in my opinion is a huge change for your children. You are so stuck on the 50/50 custody thing. 50/50 custody should be your ultimate goal. Be willing to take baby steps to get there.

My own sitch is an example of why I don't think 50/50 custody right now is in the best interest of my children. I know that my stich is different than yours, but I figured I would share. My H moved out of our home almost 10 months ago. My children have no idea that my H does not live in our house. The kids have not noticed because my H was so absent the prior two years that he was never there to begin with. He would come to teacher parent conferences and sports events, but I was the primary care giver. My H has a long list of reasons and justifications for why he was not here. But those reasons and justifications mean nothing to the kids. For the past two/three years, I have been their rock. H can leave for an entire week on business and the kids don't even bat an eye. Last week our schedule switched a bit and I did not see the kids two nights in a row and S5 was so upset. They love my H and my H loves them, but if we switched to 50/50 right now, my kids would be devastated. It would not be in their best interest.

We have worked up to a schedule where my H has them three days a week and I have them four. We both attends sporting events and school conferences. It works for us and the most importantly the kids. Does it mean that it will always be this way? Nope. But based on my H's actions and decisions the past two years, it is what is best for our children now.

You are going to fight with your W forever if you both dig your feet in the sand and refuse to move. Move to where your kids are and start integrating into their lives. Start to increase your time with your children slowly so that it a smooth transition for the kids. And maybe, just maybe your co-parenting R with your W will improve when she sees you acting reasonably, in the best interest of your children.

The ultimate question is "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy." If you want to prove that you are right and entitled, then by all means continue to push the 50/50 custody thing right now. Spends years fighting with your W in court. Or choose to find happiness, which starts with you developing a good plan to phase in changes over time.

[Mach1]

Well, I am taking action for my kids and for myself. I can understand why some would think that I may not be making the best choices. Please keep in mind that none of you have all of the information and that each situation is different.

I have informed my W that I will be starting to implement shared time with our kids in the coming week. She may not like it. Should I base my actions on what is best for my kids on how my W may react? No.

My kids are NOT happy with how things are currently. My D6 is in counselling every week dealing with issues from my W's actions. I have seen the effect on both my D4 and S2 as well.

Every decision I have made was with the idea of trying to avoid a battle that would have my kids caught in the middle. Some would say in an effort to avoid a battle I sat on my hands for too long. That may well be the case. I tried to avoid getting into any sort of battle over our kids because that is one of the worst situations a family can find themselves in.

So, I am faced with a choice. Continue to let my W dictate the situation, see my kids for 6 days a month or a bit more if there happens to be a school holiday, OR stand up for what I believe is right for my kids.

They need both their parents equally. There has been a TON of research on this topic over the past several years that backs this up. The notion that children do better when with one parent for the majority of the time is totally false in most cases. No situation after a D is perfect for the kids, that is why I am not closing the door on a R with my W. The best choice for my family is that my kids have equal time with both parents.

Stop trying to defend yourself....

Everyone here, knows what you want.

And if you really read a TON of research about it, then you wouldn't have waited almost 6 months to finally take the action to change it....


Yea, every situation is different...blah, blah, blah

Taking the action to BE a parent is a universal language...

If you can finally just sit back, accept that your actions in this have sukced, and actually read the advice that has been posted to you, instead of defending yourself before you are finished reading it....

Things might look different for you.

EVERYONE that has posted to you, has been in your shoes, faced your decisions, and changed the status quo to benefit the children....

And you dismiss that still....

Yea...get mad at me, although I think that if you are really honest about it...

You will probably realize that you are more angry with yourself....

[Drew]

Please keep in mind that none of you have all of the information and that each situation is different.

So what aren't you telling?

[3boymom]

Scorp - Have YOU met with an IC, discussed your sitch and asked the IC (preferably one that specializes in children) what is in the best interest of your children? If not, why have you not done that? If so, did the IC say that it was in the best interest to immediately initiate 50/50 custody? Did they say that a week on, week off is in the best interest of your very young children?

[dingo]

Scorp - i don't have kids so my insight into this may be worthless but one thing I see in your post above is that you feel that fighting over the kids is the worst thing that can happen to them.

I can agree that if you fight about them, in front of them or use them to play off against your wife, you are doing them a great disservice. However, if you fight for what you believe is right for them in an honest, fair and 'professional' manner, solely between you, your wife and any legal entities that need to get involved, i think you are doing them a great service.

I agree with Mach that your wife is doing this. Whether you agree with her conclusions or not, she is in fact doing exactly what you should be doing.

[Drew]

There has been a TON of research on this topic over the past several years that backs this up.

And you realize you're conversing with a bunch of people who have actually lived this, correct?

[Scorp7]

Wow, there is a lot to respond to, I'll do my best.

3BM - I have been seeing a IC for about 7 months and yes she does deal with children in D situations. I also have met with a family therapist several times about my situation as well that deals almost exclusively in situations like mine.

Drew, it's not a matter of not telling anything, it's simply a matter of needing to write a book to go into every detail of the situation (ie parenting roles before, parenting roles over the past 7 months, my children's well being before and after, their current care, my W's actions, legal considerations, financial considerations etc etc etc).

Mach, I REALLY have done a LOT of research, on my own and with the help of counsellors as mentioned above. The advice I received from the counsellors, lawyers, etc was to try to avoid the situation turning into a battle in court. I tried to get through to my W my hope to figure our situation out together to do what is best for our kids. Overall, she hasn't been interested in anything other than for me to go along with what she's saying.

3BM - If my W is unwilling to negotiate what options do I have? I have already filled for D and requested to have 50/50 time with the kids in the filing. On my L's advice I have waited to file an interim custody order. Besides that, I was VERY involved in the lives of my kids before my W left with them and I continue to be involved. I volunteer at their schools, talk to their teachers and counsellors regularly, take them to their after school activities and so on. In the past few months my kids have spent a lot of time with me so going the next step to full 50/50 is not a big one. I have talked to my kids about it often. They are expecting to be with me. They know about my moving to their town, how everything will work and so on, as much as they can understand for their ages. I've also been communicating to my W that I am willing to move to her area so that the kids can be with both of us. My message to her has not changed since this started, to share the kids equally and try to work on our M for their sake.

Gabby, Upwards, I am working my kids into my life, they do not have to work into mine. I am moving to their town so that they don't have to change schools or lose friends (something they had to do when my W took them back in October). Many on this board were pushing me hard to have the kids brought back to my province which would have meant the kids changing schools, friends, after school activities etc. I will be working from home and have help from family with the kids. Their routines will not change. I'll be within a 10 minute walk from my W so should they want to or need to see their Mom it will be much easier. My kids have spent a week at home with me in each of the past 3 months and they were in another province. This way my W and I will be close to them which is a better situation for the kids.

I may be coming across as defensive. I'm answering questions and explaining why I'm doing what I'm doing. I definitely am open to suggestions and will consider all the advice you guys have given, that's why I'm posting here.

Many on the board had encouraged me to take far more drastic steps than I've taken. Everything from packing the kids up and driving them home to my province to fighting for full custody to charging my W with kidnapping has been thrown out there.

I agree 100% that talking with my W and going back and forth together on what we can do in the kids best interests is totally the best way to go. She will not do that. She tells me what she wants to do and expects me to go along with it. If I don't go along with it she threatens to withhold the kids.

If my W will respond to my message, she hasn't yet, and say she doesn't agree and propose an alternative, I will be more than happy to discuss it with her and figure out something.

There is another consideration as well. Every day that goes by with the current parenting arrangement is setting precedent. If I believe that the best interests of my kids is served by having them with equal time with both parents then I have to do whatever is necessary to see that happen. By going through the court process to try to get that in place the time it will take will further establish the current arrangement as the norm. How can I wait any longer before taking action when waiting this long has already hurt my chances of my kids having what they need. Yes, I made the mistake, if it was one, of trying to talk to my W and have the two of us come to an agreement on our kids on our own. It hasn't happened so I have to take action.

[ericmsant2]

So now the big bad Scorp7 comes out!

Yep…the Scorp that is not going to tolerate this anymore. The Scorp that now is going to lead.

So you have “Informed” (another nice way of telling her) your W, that YOU will be starting to implement shared time with “our” kids in the coming week.

Know what I see?

A bully.

Someone who is finally fighting back. The problem, at least IMO, is that the manner that you are planning to fight back is ALL wrong.

Go in with guns blazing at THIS point and you will lose, which should really be the least of your concerns. How the kids will react should be your concern.

Every decision I have made was with the idea of trying to avoid a battle that would have my kids caught in the middle. Some would say in an effort to avoid a battle I sat on my hands for too long. That may well be the case.

Ummm…it is the case – not “may well be”.

I tried to avoid getting into any sort of battle over our kids because that is one of the worst situations a family can find themselves in.

No you avoided a battle because you were scared. You avoided a battle because YOU wanted her back MORE than you wanted to be a part of the kids lives. If you are going to be honest..be honest – not with me but with yourself.

Either way, you are now in this position and quite frankly she has the upper hand. So please before you continue with behavior that IMO, is more about YOU showing YOURSELF that you will not tolerate it than it is about accomplishing the goal of becoming a part of your kids lives – sit back a re-read your thread and the advice that continues to be given to you.

So, I am faced with a choice. Continue to let my W dictate the situation, see my kids for 6 days a month or a bit more if there happens to be a school holiday, OR stand up for what I believe is right for my kids.

Yes you are faced with a choice – how YOU DEAL WITH IT…is IMO, what will illustrate the type of MAN you are.

There has been a TON of research on this topic over the past several years that backs this up.

Yes I get that and no one here is an idiot. We all get it. There has also been a ton of research on the effects of not being involved and a ton of research on the BEST way to reconnect when a parent has not been around.


Scorp, IMO, you are pissed off. As Mach said, probably more at yourself than at anyone else. You are also probably pissed at her. Chances are you may feel like she is WINNING. Here is the thing though….this isn’t about WINNING. No one WINS. This should be about healing and growing. You should GROW and HEAL and the kids should GROW and HEAL. You are right to fight for YOUR rights as a parent. How is it then should you fight?

YOUR W seems to have her chit together. She has begun conversation with you. Yes she is dictating some things, that I would agree with – are they wrong though? Now that you are communicating with her…is it more about HER doing what YOU want OR about BOTH of you giving a little? From where I sit, YOUR anger is driving your choices. YOUR anger want this to be about YOU finally standing up and driving everything. The only problem with this…is ARE YOU REALLY CONSIDERING the impact to the kids?

I am sure you have heard them say..they miss you. I am sure that they tell you that MOM pissed them off. I am sure they say things to YOU that YOU are using to fuel YOUR anger. Here is the thing, PARENTS can discern the difference…between a child venting a child dying to see them. Here is an example….a personal one….

I have a 13 yo little girl. She means the world to me. I recently found out that when she does not get her way with me…that she texts her mom and complains about me. Her mom (wonderful person she is – NOT)….feed it. Tells her things that bash me, shows her anger. Is that good for my little girl? NO. Is healthy boundaries good for her? YES.

So I am sure the kids are saying that they miss you…and that mom is not around….but are you there? Do you really know what is going on? Can you really say that taking them for…say 7, 8, 9 or 10 days straight is the right thing for them? It may seem that way and they may be happy…but the reality is that it is probably more like a vacation for them, then a “this is what your world would like like”. Another way to look at it….you may win the battle (ie. The vacation) but will you win the WAR (i.e. they feel very comfortable with you half the time and half the time with mom). Are you following me?


The fact that you continue to focus just on 50/50 tells me that one of your concerns is money and/or how it will make your W feel. Trust me buddy….neither really matter. What matter most is that the kids feel secure and stable with you. Forcing this NOW is probably not the best.

Let me ask you another question.....

Why not start with just 4 or 5 days? What is the big deal?

While I was posting here I thought…that maybe I should try and rewrite your email to W.


Dear Ms Scorp,

Thank you for the email. I was planning on going up on X day and picking up the kids. I agree that we should try and slowly integrate the kids into what the future parenting schedule would be like. So how does the following sound to you..

This coming week, I’ll have them 3 days…Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I’ll make sure they get to school and any after activities. We can keep it at 3 days a week (I’m open to which days) for 2 or 3 months. If the kids adapt, we can then try the following schedule: X, Y and Z.

As for holidays, we can alternate the holidays if that works. I am open to your suggestions. Father’s day and Christmas Eve though are important holidays so I would really like them with me.

As for the therapist session – thank you for sharing the information. Can you let me know when the next appt is, I would like to attend. Also, please send me the therapist contact info so that I have it.

Yes, the plan is to sell the house and relocate up by you. The kids need both of us near them – this has already been too hard on them. If I cannot sell by X date, then I will try and rent the house. Either way, I hope to find a place nearby by X date. At this point, we can potentially implement the above suggested parenting plan.


In the above, you are 1) putting the kids first 2) trying to work with her 3) stating your needs in a very direct way and 4) being respectful.

Your goal is to see the kids and develop a schedule as soon as possible. It does NOT need to be 50/50 on day one. What is important is that the kids see you.

Another story for you……


My mom, cheated on her husband and guess what….I was the result. My dad, who I have never met nor know who exactly he is…left 20.00 bucks on the table and walked away.


Moral of the story…….

I would not have given a chit if my dad had 50/50……what would have matter most…is that I got to spend time with him.


Your kids do not give a rats arse about 50/50, they do not give a rats arse about 50/50 research, they do not give a rats arse about..the drama between you and your W.

What they want…is to be loved.


One more point……

What if you went up…took them for a few days, and they asked to spend more time with you. Do YOU REALLY think YOUR W would say NO to them?


I’ll leave you with this….

Rome was not built in a day……..

It was built over time….

brick by brick



Be Parent Scorp…not an angry tool.