So, may I ask how you know that the OW has replaced you in everyway and is there every night?
Hmmm....I guess since I'm not there, I really can't know for certain. Oooooh, uR, this confession is gonna hurt. Brutally honest. Prepare the 2x4s.
Some background:
ACT I: "PRE-DB" (this is my feeble attempt to avoid being accountable for my actions, since this was all before DB)
Initially, I was under the impression that we were separating in an effort to preserve our marriage....haha. That was a laugh. BAIT? SWITCH.
The day I had confirmation of OW, H took her out on our boat. This was 20 days after kids and I moved out. I went ballistic. I left work, and went to the house. There were bags and bags of her shoes and clothes on the floor, and hanging in my closet. After I checked to see what size she wore, because let's be real, we all wonder....I found the sexy lingerie. Did I take pics? Heck yeah, I took pics (duh, who wouldn't want proof?) Her iPad was on my nightstand. Her hair products and make-up were on my vanity. (This was when I discovered his Eau de MLC scent of "Ed Hardy" cologne.... Ok, that was actually comical because he hated both EH and cologne). She bought him a shirt he would NEVER wear....chuckled bc it was wrong size......lol. Oohhh, they had been together there long before that day. Prob EA for a while, too. Let's just say she didn't just throw a few things together and show up.
I went through a wallet of hers.... Yeah...I know. NOW I know. But that's how I learned her name. A business card with a photo.... Ewwww. No one in family, H work or friends knows her. I'm guessing he found her online, as there were clues to that possibility months earlier. I'll save that story for another time.
In the next scene, the role of "Betrayed Clueless Angry Wife" as performed by Shining:
Grace had somehow escaped me in that moment, and I decided to send H a pic of OW's trashy nightie to him while they were on the boat, and texted that she's so lucky because he's quite the catch...and I told him his whole family knows. And friends. And work. (Slight exaggeration, perhaps, but I did expose him to a few that suspected anyway).
That was followed by my freak-out-ballistic-cry-fest-how-could-you performance. Then texts to H suggesting he get tested for STDs. And check for warts. Oh, I was relentless. At the time, H was consulting me! Asking what he should do, and is there something I know that he needs to know, because he didn't want an STD.... As if I'm his buddy. (Wth?)
Boy, I sure gave him 2 days worth of proof that I'm bat$$crazy and he should have left me a long time ago. One might say, I reacted. This had never happened to me before. Never saw that coming. I completely lost it. WOW was that the worst pain? Ever?!??
Now I know better.
SD19 moved in after kids and I left, and SS20 still lives there. For several weeks, SD19 was texting me bc she was upset about her dad's behavior. She does not like OW (told H that he's crazy for leaving me, and that OW is "pathetic and sloppy"). I have to admit, I asked about things because I thought it mattered at first. I could feel the anger, adrenaline, and energy that goes with hearing bad things about someone who hurt me. I felt validated. I learned that all it got me, was upset.
Ok, so the knowing better from before? Now I know even BETTER.
ACT II: POST DB
I told SD19 that I needed to detach, I should not have been asking her anything, and I was sorry for putting her in that position.
I still hear bits and pieces by default, family or neighbors will slip something in a conversation, not on purpose, but enough to give me the impression that OW is the new "me".....only she's older. And not me.
SD19 confirmed a while back that H spends 24/7 with OW. SD19 was so upset with him one night bc she wanted time with him, but he monster spewed at her, of COURSE, defending the fair maiden he rescued from a search-a-slu+ website. H and SD19 fought, and she ultimately kicked a hole in the wall....the newly painted textured wall. Oops.
This was followed by SD19 getting locked out of house without her car keys, crying on sidewalk, neighbors texting me not wanting to know what's going on, but concerned about SD19.... Oh, yeah. We're THAT house now. Well, they are...because I'm .... Wait for it.....
DETACHED.
Who knows what really goes on there now. I guess I just assumed that since I'm strapped in for the long, earth-orbiting trip while H figures out which way is up, that things would be the same for a while. If MLC affairs really take a long time to cycle.
I got that out of my system. Now I'm like, totally zen.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Oh, GEORGIABELLE!! Where have you been all my life? I'm dying. I haven't laughed this hard OUT LOUD in so long, my kids came in to make sure I was ok!
Do you think, perhaps, that you might find Biore strips on sale with the groceries? Meanwhile, I'll add taco eating lessons to my list of GAL. I'll tread softly over to my pad and pen, now that I'm aware of chronic heavy walking syndrome ... I truly can learn from others' faults, so as not to display such hideous behavior in the future.
Should a man be expected to settle for those of us who dare be so flawed? Surely, we belong on the Island of Misfit Toys.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Couple of things about me. I dont really like 2 x 4's much. I am not above giving them.....just not really my style. I am, however, very honest with people.
The thing about affairs is that they are not at all like what we envision. Trust me on that. You may think they are having a grand old time. But he is a mess and in crisis and she is....I dont know what she is except that she is with a married man.
That relationship is built on lies and deceit and craziness. It cannot sustain with a foundation like that.
Glad you got all that out of your system. Try your best not to let other people clue you in. Not good for you, ya know?
I don't like 2x4s either. I just know I may need a few to make sure the knowledge leaves an impression.
Do you have an example of what an MLC affair might look like behind the glorious facade? I have read this, but mainly what it is "not" like....
Is it boring? High conflict? Does the MLCer just sleep all the time while she sits there knitting? He is a mess, for sure.
I did giggle once when I pulled into the parking lot of our drug store. H and OW were outside (if he didn't see me, his loss, I looked fabulous). Get this.... At REDBOX. Already there? Renting movies? That was awesome. And H hates movies. Depressed people can't focus for that long I guess.
I mainly hear (not just mine) about the trips, shopping, dinners, events, concerts, dates... I guess it's natural to envision that being a pretty good time. Oh, and the sex. But I don't envision that because I choose not to.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
My greatest faults are being honest, being relaxed (read lazy) working to much, sneezing too much when sick, coughing when sick not stalking him, being nice, not waiting on him, not cleaning his house to his standard (which he couldn't do either he has since again hired a cleaner for him as a single man) not brushing my teeth long enough, not getting up at the same time, not know what is appropriate behaviour at all times, not saying hello to every individual or saying too much and stealing his lime light!
If I had time I would think of about a thousand more!
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Do you know, I hve totally forgotten (not suppressed) all the things that my xh apparently didn't like about me.
I tried to remember them while I was reading along - for laughs, and they have just evaporated. It all passes eventually, the hurt and pain.
You are a very courageous person who totally gets it. There have been some great posters here who no longer post Punkin and Wentikiti spring to mind but there are many more, who just went on with their lives with humour and grace.
Your attitude will help others here who are not as robust in their outlook yet. I wish I had learned as fast as you
Well really I slept crooked! Oh and broke the bed! He took those things life and death seriously, even at the time it's hard not to laugh in their face who thinks like that and thinks its m ending?
They say more about him, than me. He's been trying to convince me and his family I'm mentally ill due to MENopause and raging hormones. I'm not chasing any op, nor raging hormones, but someone else's actions are showing they are.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Trust me, your sense of humor will get you very far with all of this MLC craziness!!!
I think every LBS can look back and tell you that their spouse had a list of complaints about them during the crisis.
Pre- MLC, my H was very complimentary of me, would tell me how lucky he was to have me, that marrying me was the best thing he ever did.
During MLC...well... Not so much. Lol!!!!
In the months before bomb, I couldn't do anything right. He complained about everything, from the way I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, took care of kids. My personal favorite was that I apparently put things in the recycling bin wrong. Don't ask me, I'm still not sure what that means!
I bet if I would ask him about it today, he wouldn't remember any of that.
See, they need to be critical of us and make us the bad guy to justify their behavior. They have all this anger, it needs to be directed somewhere. They aren't ready to turn it back on themselves.
Okay, what does an MLC affair look like...
So, my H has been home this entire time. I've had the opportunity to see the good, the bad, the ugly, and the absolutely hideous!!!
In the beginning of the affair, it's all sunshine and butterflies. Oh, how wonderful the ow is! No one understands me like her! She is such a good friend! Barf!!!!
H would go out every weekend and stay out till 2, 3, 4:00 in the morning. The texting was constant, and I do mean CONSTANT. If he could have showered with his phone, I think he would have. My favorite was watching him text while cutting the grass. He would walk five feet, stop to text, walk five feet, stop to text. Then he would comment on how it took him hours to mow the lawn!
I said nothing, just bit my tongue. Hard.
But as time goes on, the "real" personality of both affair partners starts showing through. The facade of being so wonderful starts to fade, and reality begins to take place.
But - even then - I think the MLCer wants to put the blinders on. After all... They have put their marriages and families in jeopardy for this person, they want to believe so much she is the answer to their problems. They don't want to face the possibility that they were wrong, that they screwed up.
I remember reading an interesting article online awhile ago, it was about why affairs don't last.
There are many reasons, but primarily, all the issues that each person had prior to the affair eventually rear their ugly head. Once the fun and games of a "new" relationship has ended, they are right back to a regular old relationship, filled with problems and issues and fights. Except everything is magnified because of all the lies and deceit.
Where the affair partners were once FLATTERED that the other would cheat on their spouse for them, eventually they begin to wonder... If they cheated on their spouse, person they promised to love forever, parent of their children, what's to stop them from cheating on me, lying to me???
Why, nothing of course.
I can also tell you that I got to see a lot of depression and unhappiness from my H. MLC is not one big party like the MLCer might have you believe. They are hurting, deeply hurting. They will do anything to make that hurt stop.
Anyway, you are doing great! Moments of sadness, anger, frustrating will come - but they will also pass
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
