Well, it's been quite some time since I've posted, almost 2 months, and 1 year since BD. This is going to be a long one, so please, bear with me. I so badly need to get this out. It's been a very rough week.
Things are slowly starting to change. H has been living with his sister for one year now, rent free. He wanted to come over to talk last Monday, so I met him here at our house after work.
He explained that his sister and her husband have sold their house and are moving into an apartment temporarily while they look for another house. That left H on his own. He said he intends to rent an apartment but hadn't found one yet for under $700/month. This was 2 days before they were due to move out of the house. I suspect he was hoping I would offer to let him stay here temporarily, but I did not. He cannot do that while seeing OW. That is just not possible for me.
Then he mentioned that he had retained an attorney and she would be sending me a letter to start the divorce process (although he still has not uttered the word 'divorce' and neither have I). He then wanted to just sit and chat about whatever. Like we are good friends and that we didn't just discuss DIVORCE, and that that's ok with me.
Wanted to hear about my recent trip to see family, talked about his brother's latest shenanigans, told me about his job search, told me he is seeing a counselor (he must have JUST started, because I have seen NO paperwork from the insurance company), told me he had a suspect health test that the doctor was somewhat concerned about, asked about my family I had just visited, how's my job, said he's reading a religious book 'with' a friend of his, etc., etc.
I tried SO hard to DB, sit there and listen. I was able to listen, but I found myself almost unable to respond to anything, and certainly not validate anything. All I kept thinking was that he just doesn't deserve to know anything about me - or my family - anymore. He walked away from that a year ago. The thought of being his "friend" just makes me sick to my stomach, considering what he has done over this past year. I was not mean, but I volunteered very little information and kept my answers polite but short.
Then, he apologized (more than once) for not being a good husband and not communicating well, and said that he thinks that the failure of our marriage is 90% his fault (some months ago it was around 50-50). I couldn't even respond to that. I have said 'I'm sorry' about 50 times over the past year, and, at least in the beginning, took the blame for much more than I should have. I just could not apologize even one more time. He left and said his usual 'have a good night'. Ugh. Like he's talking to a business client or something.
3 days later I received the letter from his attorney, which said something like 'H would very much like this process to be amicable, after such a long life together. He wants us to continue on 'good terms,' blah, blah. I immediately called my attorney, who I will be meeting with this week.
So that is finally where we are. I think I have finally given up hope for us. Maybe I am jumping the gun, since this is quite significant MLC, and the craziness will continue. I just am so TIRED, literally. I look at myself in the mirror and I look 5 years older. My DivorceCare group friends are all moving on, all now divorced, and I find myself wanting to start to date again too as i hear their stories.
Something weird: we have a vacation home. He asked me who our propane carrier was, and I said I don't think we should fill up the tank (to the tune of hundreds of dollars) - I was hoping we could sell it by the time the weather turns colder (so we don't need a fill-up). He texts me 'Ok, I didn't realize you wanted to sell it.' Now, I ask you, WHY on this green earth would I not want to sell it if (1) we are getting a divorce, (2) he doesn't use it, (3) I don't use it, and (4) he knows I wouldn't want to keep the house myself?? Really, I was floored by his comment. I really, truly feel like he is not playing with a full deck, even though he SEEMS to be starting to finally look inward and realize his part in the demise of our relationship. Then, while we are e-mailing back and forth about this (not texting), he sends another e-mail saying he is 'in a meeting'. I do not respond. (What relevance does this have?) Then, another, different e-mail 20 minutes later saying he is 'in a meeting right now'. He takes every opportunity to tell me he is doing something important.
I just keeping shaking my head and wracking my brain to try and make sense out of the weirdness. He still seems so scattered, lost, still angry with me even though he says he takes 90% of the blame now.
I still love this man, after everything he has done. That is the craziest part of all of this. I feel his pain, believe me, I do. I experience some of the very same pain. But I am finding it almost impossible to say a kind word to him anymore. I just don't say anything anymore, really. I just can't bring myself to. He has put me through so much, and he still does not think of his adultery as wrong. He feels his behavior is justified.
Have I hit a wall? Is this what it feels like to stop standing? I know many of you have been able to maintain a friendship with your H or W, despite these same circumstances, but HOW? How do you ditch the anger YOU surely have (even if you also have compassion) and be a friend? I just don't know how to do this. I wish I could, because he says it's so important to him to remain friends. (I believe he wants to do this to alleviate some of the guilt of having done what he's done.)
I can use ANY tips anyone has. I am at the end of my rope and I fear that I will soon just let the volcano blow. I haven't done that yet, only in a letter back in March - which, by the way, resulted in us stopping almost all communication. So, it seems, the ONE time I told him how I REALLY felt about all of this, it made him so angry he stopped talking to me altogether and soon thereafter (April) told me he wanted to 'end the marriage.' That letter contained alot of truth. He had to face the truth about himself and what he has done. That's what pushed him over the edge.
My friends and family so kindly continue to listen, and I am so grateful I have them, a counselor, and this board to vent. God help us all. I pray for strength every day.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
If you can keep the divorce amicable then that would be good. If it remains relatively amicable, there is less hurt for them to come back from, if that makes sense. The ones that cut a wide swathe of incredible damage have a harder time getting back, and simply talking, which seems to be part of reconciliation, from what I have seen
I do not believe that MLCers are playing off a full deck at all, and they say and do some crazy stuff.
A friend of mine whose xh had a MLC said that her divorce care group divided into the two or three having 'MLC' divorces, and the rest who were divorcing because the marriage had ended from both partner's perspective. She said it was like night and day.
It is hard to come back from betrayal. We love the person they were, and the life we had. A year is no time at all in MLC terms!
I do not think we make a decision to stop standing, it simply happens, or not. Holly06's husband divorced her and they reconciled some time later. She got on with her own life, but didn't want to date anyone else. They are still together as far as I know. As long as we continue with our life and behave with integrity we will be fine.
I just read your whole thread. I feel I have a scary-similar MLC H, and I could relate to so much of your sitch. The not-saying the D word, repeating it's over but not filing, still with OW, making crazy decisions.....endless.
I'm so sorry, LN. He must be a fool, or so lost in crisis.
I'm going back to read again. You seem so strong, and so patient. I'm inspired and I'm learning much from you. Thank you for sharing. It really helps us newbies.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Bea - I think you're right; we'll just stop 'standing' one day maybe without realizing it. Then it might occur to us that we've finally moved one. I don't know. I just don't feel like I am capable of being 'nice' to him anymore. And the fact that he seems to have NO idea why I should not want to be friendly and talkative with him just blows my mind. That indicates to me how deep he is in that tunnel, and he's very likely still a long way from seeing the light at the end of it.
Shining - I just happened to use the very same word to describe H today - 'fool' - when talking with a friend. It's accurate. And, he is still so lost, after 1 year. I have some more details for you - on your thread. However, I must say, it appears you and I have both worked our butts off this past year trying to understand what is going on and learn how to improve ourselves. The self-improvements are the things you get to keep, no matter what. They will help down the road, whether or not you stay married. BTW, I only feel strong sometimes. Other days, I still fall apart. The good news is those bad days are getting fewer and fewer as time goes on...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
And the fact that he seems to have NO idea why I should not want to be friendly and talkative with him just blows my mind. That indicates to me how deep he is in that tunnel, and he's very likely still a long way from seeing the light at the end of it.
Yes it is pretty staggering. In fact my xh thinks it would be good if I could hang out with him and his new wife, and the fact I do not want to is a sign that there is something wrong with me.
I suspect that they are trying to normalize the abnormal to themselves, but who knows.
As Marvin the paranoid android say 'It gives me a headache trying to think down to your level'
There is one thing I have noticed lately: H occasionally says things that very clearly indicate that he has actually been listening to me (since BD), that he really does hear me. That surprised me the other day because I was certain that I had been banging my head against a brick wall and that it all fell on deaf ears. He also seems to keep making it a point to tell me the 'great' things he's doing (job hunting, seeing a counselor, reading a religious book, etc.). Anyone else experienced these things?
And I think you're right Bea, that they are trying to normalize the abnormal, so they don't appear so crazy...just makes me sad.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
LN, my H makes a point to tell me the 'great' things he's doing, too. But many of these things are not even happening.
Claimed to see a guy drowning and called 911, that he rescued their group on the boat bc they couldn't drive it back (there was a guy that drowned, but news named different witnesses and it didn't add up), losing tons of weight (gained, actually), doing all kinds of yard work (hired it out), and painting (again, hired).
It's so twilight-zoney, as he TOLD me he hired for these things, and I saw the actual receipts. But he seems to want me to believe HE did it!
It's as if he has "Imaginary Person Costumes" and he's trying them all on!
They sure try to paint a picture that doesn't exist.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Yes it is pretty staggering. In fact my xh thinks it would be good if I could hang out with him and his new wife, and the fact I do not want to is a sign that there is something wrong with me.
Makes me remember a time before the ex left. She had come back after moving out that previous mother's day. Said she loved me and wanted to work it out. I fell for it, not knowing she had the OM on the side. In one of our conversations she couldn't understand why the wife of one of the guys she was spending waaaaay too much time with didn't like her spending time with him. Silly me, I tried to explain it to her, but looking back, she just couldn't get it. She was in her own world and in her world, she felt things should be a certain way. And that she wasn't crazy - everyone else is.
You're right - they do try to normalize things so they don't feel so crazy. Oddly, they'll also say that it is them and then oscillate back to it's your fault. "You're the problem and if they can just get rid of you. Oh, and we can hang out and still be friends, but just not married any longer. It's just a piece of paper anyway"
Marvin the paranoid android is right on the money, but it lets you know what you're dealing with. They cannot think rationally. The empathy chip is broken, and it left the selfish chip on overdrive.
Strangely, it seems many realize something's wrong earlier in the process, but can't figure out why. Then they go trying to explain it by blaming others - anyone that has been close to them.
Like trying to eat cereal from a bowl while sitting on the ceiling...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Amazing, some of the stuff they come up with, Shining! Hang in there...
AJM - yes, the blaming changes...H blamed me for most everything at BD last summer, it went to about 50/50 over the fall and winter, and last week he blamed himself for '90%' of it. (Maybe I should prepare for it to swing back the other way soon.) I just still am surprised at the anger that is still there, after an entire year. I really have to wonder what he is like with other people, all his new friends including OW. I wonder how much they know of what is really going on in his life.
I'm rambling a bit, but one other thing he asks me almost every time he sees me (and this is almost the only thing he has asked me about myself all year) is who I am closest too - sister, brother, friend A, friend B. Am I closer to friend C? Who is my best friend? I'm not sure what to make of this either. He is still so lost...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
