My H's MLC #2

[Ssarah]

Quick question for the experienced DBers. Tomorrow I'm taking my kids to a water park for the day 1.5 hours away. Do I tell H that we are going or let him wonder where we are? Not sure what I'm supposed to do since I'm attempting to stay dark.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Sarah,

Will your h be at work during your trip to the waterpark? If so, I don't think you need to tell him. If he will be home and watching you guys pack up and leave, you could say "taking the kids to x for a while."

And yes, let him go.

[Ssarah]

So an update on my sitch, not too much happened the 2 weeks since my volcanic erruption until this weekend. H was home for the 2 weeks, but as OW's birthday neared (this past weekend), I expected for him to go running back and he did. This weekend was the 1st time ever (since BD or in our 13 yrs together) that without notice H did not return home. From my observation their R hit a rough patch for 2 weeks but now it's back on track. He never came home Friday night, came just to shower and change Saturday afternoon (and of course have a confrontation with me) and then went out for a few hours on Sunday again. The only positive I see is that their perfect union is slopwly starting to crack. They had their 1st fight I think so let's see where that takes them.

I've been wondering something and would like everyone's insight. H is leaving for almost a month in August to visit family. At this point it will be nice to have him out of our hair. Everyone keeps saying that this distance may make him miss me and the kids more since he'll be surrounded by family.. our nephews and other kids. I think this distance may put the focus more on OW and that being away from her for a month may make him realize how much he cares for her and not us. Just curious to see what you all thought.

On another note, after all that talk of D and hiring an attorney, H has still done nothing to pursue. This weekend when he popped in to freshen up for OW I confronted him about bills to which he blew up at me. Usually in his typical MLC fashion this would be when he'd threaten his one step closer to D (yelling that he'll hire, yelling that he'll send in the check to finally retain, yelling that he'll file), but this time he didn't even mention it. Funny how when I finally called his bluff and retained a real lawyer I took all the wind out of his sails.

[Mighty]

Ssarah, you never know what the heck they are going to do or the situation with ow. It was a few month after h telling me he wants a d and not pursuing... I felt the same way as you- like what the heck? Maybe he does not want to. (Which I really don't think they know what the heck they want other than to feel good by the minute.)
I was told via text message that he was pursuing divorce. Nineteen years and I get dumped through text-- just be prepared. Not that its going to happen, but I wouldn't read into it too much as a sign. They act on spur of the moment, not really on realistic future plans. Hang in there! I can tell you are very strong.

[Ssarah]

Mighty, I absolutely agree with you and am definitely not dellusioned by his non-action. I think that he will strike eventually and when I think long term, I do think we'll end up divorced. There is no communication between us other than related to the kids. We are just 2 ships that pass so I don't think he'll last like this for much longer. He's just buying time because he's not sure what he wants. I just don't think he's ready this moment to move out and be done.

[Georgiabelle]

Sarah,

I'm happy to hear things have settled a bit. I'm gong to be brutally honest (and this is just my take), in regards to your h going on the trip, he will think and feel whatever it is he feels. I doubt a month away will make him realize what he has. I think the difficult thing when dealing with someone in MLC is that you can do all the work in the world and may have already been a spouse your h would be a fool to leave, and it simply doesn't register with the MLCer. If your h cannot deal with responsibilities, then he may not miss family life for quite some time. This is just my 2 cents.

Your h is on a long journey. Keep focusing on you and the kids. Yes, your M had flaws like every relationship. Work on making Sarah the absolute best Sarah
possible and remind your children how much you love them.

Hang in there!

[Matt165]

Hi Sarah,
I'm with Mighty here. My W and I came to an agreement that she wasn't going to get a L or file. One week later she leaves from D's graduation (once in lifetime event) without saying why. Find out that she went to see L and a couple days later tells me she not only saw him but she filed as well! This was several weeks before she even left the home! Since then all she has done is take things from the house that she wants but hasn't pursued since initial filing. That can (and will) change without a moments notice. All that has to happen is they get it in their head for any reason and it's off to the races without one thought to what it means down the road. Just be careful and expect the worse and be surprised if it doesn't come to pass.

[Ssarah]

I agree with you Georgiabelle and it doesn't sting to hear that because that's what I think too. I just wanted to put it out there to make sure I wasn't being a Debbie downer. I absolutely don't think it will make him miss us more. If anything he will be "single" for a month and able to do whatever he wants. My concern is that it will make his R with OW stronger, but again, I have no control over that, so I need to let go. As you always say, not my sandbox ;-)

[LoisB]

I have no control over that, so I need to let go. As you always say, not my sandbox ;-)

Yup ^^^^^^^^^

Sarah,

In my experience, it really doesn't matter what we do, what they do, whether they stand on their head while reciting the Declaration of Independence or if we choose to dance naked in public square...the MLC journey has a life of it's own and they will do whatever they feel they NEED to do at the moment. Try not to read too much into it and carefully guard your self-esteem from further damage....by reassuring yourself frequently that it has NOTHING to do with YOU!

[Ssarah]

Hey Matt165 I was just reading your recent posts and am sorry for the place you are in. Hopefully your W will leave you alone long enough for you to regroup and be strong again.

I agree with you regarding my H and his filing. The MLCer is definitely unpredictable and fly by the seat of their pants. Every decision is made in the now, having no regard for the future. I'm sure in the coming days I will get the dreaded call from my attorney to let me know he's filed, I'm just not doing it for him. I think he's hoping I'll make that decision for us both but I won't. Don't you sometimes wish you could just snap your fingers and make all of this go away?! If it were only that easy!