My confusing story

[Atsbaby]

Bad decision made...had sex with H. He wanted to make sure I understood it doesn't change anything and I told him I know.

I'm actually doing good. I do feel detached for now. I don't have expectations, but sex has always been good. I guess I am hoping that this will increase and he will change his mind. I do feel this at least can connect us another way.

Saw signs of another man afterwards but I did expect this. Still in MLC. I have wondered lately since he hasn't spewed or been angry. May change since the sex. We'll see...

[Atsbaby]

Today is going well. Not surprised and did not expect it, no word from H.

After we were together, we went to s football practice. H ran to store and brought me back a water, which I did not ask for (baby step). We talked a few times regarding the practice. H brought up the stupid website for houses again. I just played along.

When we returned home, H seemed to space out. He mentioned the child custody again and said he would email me the ideas...I said ok, whenever. H did make a comment that until he had a place that he would just continue to come home.

I don't understand why he's looking for a house, maybe he is going to buy with someone else (we were planning to buy the house we are currently in, but that has obviously been stopped. Not sure he can afford the house payment once he realizes how much he will have to pay me!)

Anyway, I was productive this morning. I cut down branches off 3 trees- having been driving me crazy since I started mowing. Kids and I enjoyed lunch out and now I'm going to focus on homework until football practice tonight.

Btw, h did thank me for yesterday :p Beat that OW!

[Atsbaby]

So I'm sitting at a light waiting for the green light watching cars go by, and this guy turns and is staring me down almost wrecking! Felt kind of good to know that I can still attract a guy

Not five minutes later I see the guy next to me checking me out...more ego boosting.

Now if WAH would just....you know.

[Atsbaby]

Yesterday I went and got my hair cut and highlighted. H tried calling and texting me while I was there...honestly didn't pay much attention to the phone!

H wanted to make sure my parents could watch the kids and I could get them after school...H committed to football stuff. I answer with a yes.

An hour later asked if I could do him a favor, I asked what is it. H wanted a change of clothes from our home, but said if I couldn't that it was ok. I told him I would. I was probably being a doormat, but I did want to see if he would react to my hair cut....very different for me.

I dropped off his clothes and he was very brief with me, maybe 1 minute convo. Granted I was on the way to class and didn't have time to talk. After I made it out to the car, I got a text that said did you cut your hair. No mention that I'm now blonde...but he sort of noticed.

H came over after football. I was trying to do my 180 and not ask about his day, but he was not really saying anything. I did ask him, and he began to open up about some of his frustrations at work. It was nice to be his sounding board (been a long time). I just validated and practiced not interrupting, which is a 180.

When h finished he did make a comment that after we had sex Monday, he thought it would just be a relief, but he wanted more. I agreed. H reiterated that it would not change anything...I said I understood.

It's really strange how I have detached from him. I used to always want him to cuddle with me and be emotional, but I haven't shed 1 tear. I think I may even be using him! There is still a connection, don't get me wrong, how could there not be after 19 years?

I finished one of my classes last night and will focus on finishing dr. I feel stuck and I think that is the next chapter of the book.

We haven't argued in weeks possibly months. There has been no real R or D talk. H had mentioned in passing the ATTY and child custody, but then nothing else is said or done. H still talks about finding his own place, but again not sure he has physically looked in the past week or so.

I'm hoping in a couple weeks to be able to set up an appt with one of the db coaches to help me make a plan. I'm so confused as to whether H is in MLC or just WAH. I've compared a lot of stuff on the MLC forum and he used to fit some of that stuff. I guess it could just be mild, or he is still trying to figure out his own stuff. BUT this is also why I think he is EA with someone. He is being faithful in the physical sense. I'm just so confused .

Any advice or guidance would be great. I haven't heard from anyone in a long time!

[Atsbaby]

Another baby step...H calls to tell me not to forget S10 football equipment from my car, since he's taking him. S answered the phone...you couldn't tell him?