I do not talk about R right now. I am not suppose to. Our first couples therapy is today. Hopefully that will open some discussion. It is a touchy subject with her. She gets mad at me and shuts down. I am listening to her. However, she wants a D and anything I do to stall her progress is me not listening. She says I do not hear her. She wants a D.
Question is. What about what I want? Do I not get a say? Hell I am getting my couples therapy starting today. This is for me... Reconcile hope. For her... So I can understand her and what she wants. She has given me nothing to go on this far. Other than her decision to D.
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
I am just scared about today. I have mixed feelings about the stuff that was shoved under the rug that built into resentment. I feel on both sides. Yes just mind reading, but my gut says so. Communication and openess dropped off about a year ago. This gradually faded and became norm. I felt it and should have asked for couples therapy. I failed to recognize it and feel I have thus failed my family.
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
Therapist was fantastic! He made her move from the other end of the loveseat to the chair across from me. He sat next to her facing in his seat. He wanted us to look at each other and talk. No just talk to him. As soon as he asked who wanted to go first, I let her.
He immediately sided with her. He said I hear you. He then looks at me and said, do you understand what she is telling you? I said yes. He then preceded to ask me how she came to this. He then asked her. Hers predates my story of what went wrong and by almost 6 months. Sex is important in a relationship. She admitted this all along and would have sex even when she did not want to. Thus building resentment. Finally she asked me to therapy last fall. I told him I missed that red flag and could not see why she did not come to me with her thoughts on where our relationship was headed. He asked us to have a 45 minute talk before our next meeting. Talk about our child and sharing his time. My needs and hers with child for 30 minutes. He then said for the last 15 minutes to discuss our relationship. What worked and did not. How we felt about things and what we can learn from it. He said we can come back, it is up to us. She looked at me and said, do you want to come back? I said yes, that would be nice. He scheduled us. He had made it clear that he knew she wanted to come for a few sessions and said how many is that? She gave a vague answer. He said, so you are coming here for your husband? She said yes. Thoughts? Comments? I re read DB and DR today. So, I keep up 180's and patients, GAL. Any other advice?
Last edited by NewB3; 07/29/1401:02 AM.
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
Mr. Bond, glad to hear from you. No, I showed no enthusiasm to her, at all. I got home while she picked up S3.5. Quick dinner and night as usual. She is out of town on business until Thursday night. This gives me time to re-read and re-focus.
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
That was a much better job. I hope you will consider what your boundaries are. If she ever wants to know what it would take to get the R back. Right now, she still wants a D, but when she sees you being strong and she can't play you for a fool......I think she will start respecting you a little more each time.
A woman has to feel that respect for her H before she can be attracted to him. It goes hand in hand.
Who knows where things may be by October. But just don't get any hurry, there are a lot of issues to work through.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Please feel free to comment on this thread while you are here. I appreciate any insight from the vet's
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
Mr. Bond can you elaborate on the be very cautious?
Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14 I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
Right now your W is basically still out the door. The ideal time to save it would have been when SHE asked for counseling last year. With the C session last night, she's just going through the motions but her heart isn't in it. That's how it seems from the conversation you describe. The C was leading her into discussion and it wasn't voluntary from her. She was guarded.
The WAS usually only goes to C to go through the motions. They think that the C will bring their feelings back without understanding that the actually have to DO something for that to happen. Then when they don't "feel" that the feelings are there (after not doing anything) they believe that the M is "dead" and that they don't have feelings for the LBS any more, etc.
That's why you need to be cautious. See how she ACTS and if she is doing the work. Another book and site I would recommend is Project Happily Ever After. You can have her read it as it is from the POV of a WAS who actually did the work as a last ditch effort to save her M.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
