I saw h last night at d13 game. He sat on the other side. My mom and niece were there. H and my mom were very close. She has known him since he was 17 and has been like a mother to him. They have not seen each other since, probably, January.
H was only there about 30 minutes (he always comes late even though he gets out of work about 1.5 hrs before). He texted the whole time and was taking pictures and videos of d. D said it was weird and distracting, especially since he never does that. Maybe he was for hww since she hasn't met or seen d. It bothers me to think about hww even talking about my d like she has any interest. She's a pig. (OK- not showing the best of me...)
Anyway, h left before the game ended. Normally he would stay to at least say "hi" to d. But with a few minutes left, he bolted. I know it was bc he didn't want to have contact with my mom.
I was wondering while he was there if he'd stay to see d. I thought that if he did, he really didn't care that he is such an a$$, like maybe he believes that what he is doing is OK. But with him leaving, he just couldn't face my mom. Is he going to run from everything forever? I was glad he left, because everyone felt much better at his departure. How long will I feel that anxiety in his presence? I mean, I feel it all the time, but the increased level in his presence is insane. Just seeing him- my husband- who I can't talk to, because he's committed to someone else. Knowing that he's texting her and going home to her in their new home bothers me. Thinking that he is taking care of her while she is pregnant... yuck.
Even us not being together, you'd think that we would have a special connection, with me being the mother of his kids. But now it is nothing because he is sharing that with someone else.
If anything, I guess these things further me in letting go. It is just so hard. I didn't have the perfect childhood. I know no one does, but I've had some rough times. Even with that, I had no idea pain like this existed.
When a mlcr has shown (spoken of) regret over choices and actions, but continues to pursue and go deeper into the situation they are in (in the mlc state of mind), what are the chances of them changing the course?
Can a mlcr stay "stuck" in mlc because they are "stuck" in a situation, even if it's not the situation they want?
Mighty, I can relate to you so much. The anxiety you feel when in his presence. As much as we want our H's back we can't stand to be around them. I too never thought I would be here and feel such pain. Just yesterday I went out to lunch and saw a couple kiss hello and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My H no longer even SAYS hello or goodbye to me, just to our kids, yet I'm sure that's how he greets and parts with OW, with a kiss. I know they have sex but for me this stung more. This show of love and affection towards someone is something I haven't gotten from H in a long time. It just opened my eyes wider to my current situation. That my H's mind and heart are with someone else. Those are the things we need to use as fuel to detach. We either wallow in it or say to ourselves, and this is why I have to move on, away from the current situation. Let them stew in it figure it out and if we're there at the end of it great. And I have to say you really are being strong given the circumstances.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
I want to admit I'm no expert. However, yes they can stay stuck. Expressing regret is one thing versus true remorse. I do think many people going thru a MLC regret their actions. I've known a couple and they are unhappy with their decisions. The 2 that I know, have not expressed true remorse or tried to make amends. They just deeply regret what they did and wish they could. *take it back*. However, fully owning your decisions and all that goes with them ? Some will eventually. Some can't. It's too much for them to deal with so they keep on.
Just my 2 cents.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/30/1406:25 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Sarah, the same thing gets me- thinking about that type of affection. You are right- we need to use it to move on. I have to think about the fact that if he'd wanted it with me, he'd of given it to me. I don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with me. So I must move on. Maybe someday there will be someone who wants to give that to me (not that I'm looking).
GB, you are probably right. If the task of actually facing the destruction caused seems insurmountable, it probably won't happen. I know my h has said he wouldn't have chosen this path if he knew where it were headed, but I don't think he sees any other option. He is in waaaaaaaay to deep. Which I think is so difficult for me, because I didn't know he was even on this particular path, let alone to the point of no return!
I just don't know how long he can continue on it without really snapping. He was so mixed up prior to this and had so many things to deal with, and was also grieving his nephew's sudden death. Now he has damaged the relationship with his children, which he does not know how to repair. And is not living the fantasy he wanted. He must really be into hww to stay in it. But! I've got to LET IT GO!
First, you are in a very challenging situation and were dealt a great deal in such a short time. BD is horrible for everyone, however your sitch breaks my heart.
My h used to make HORRIBLE comments about people who did what he is doing. He now says morals are overrated. I do think being pleasant and always taking the high road can help one manage and overcome a very challenging situation. Ultimately, you have to take care of Mighty and let your h deal with his issues. You can't fix him or his problems.
I have no idea if this will help. I am very logical. I've been referred to as having a very male brain (a few other ladies on here have to-Artsy comes to mind). Right after my h moved out, he was sick one day when he came to take kids to school. I offered him some medicine. I'm not sure if that was *pursuing* as I just saw it as what I would do for anyone. However, ever since that day I realized his issues aren't mine. He was having car woes. When we were a couple, I would have arranged to get it fixed and worried about him and the car. Now, I just think "geez, car issues sukk."I don't mean that to be cold or callous-it's just not my deal. I have my own issues:-). Once you realize that, it makes detaching so much easier.
In regards to OW, I've never really considered her anything other than desperate and pathetic. I loved my old h very much. We shared a very playful sense of humor and he always cheered me on. That man does not exist. What OW has right now is a very broken, depressed, married man who treats his children poorly. I will be cordial. I will protect myself and my children. However, I don't want to rescue that man. Just like your h, the only person who can truly help him is him.
I'm sorry that you are hurting. It truly is a terrible place to be. Although you will get stronger-stronger than you knew. And you will be a better person And that is a wonderful thing.
Hang in there:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/30/1407:40 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
