I felt it meant to be from the early stages, I thought I could be fine if things went south. I was wrong. He throws those sort of tanties, you talk about, they have gotten worse over time not better.
I often still feel it meant to be even tho his actions show otherwise. I feel the connection, I know he has sometimes, but he refutes that.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
So lets switch the subject.... do any of us feel after MLC boot camp that there is such thing as a soul mate, twin soul, or it's just meant to be?
I used to exist in this world because I believed in soulmates. I was raised on the idea of fairytales and soulmates. My mother has lived her life dedicated to finding the fantasy that fits this fantasy. She has two failed marriages and years of abuse from really emotionally unavailable men.
I'm a deeply spiritual person and I really listen to what I see as God's hints, 2x4's, opportunities and people He brings into my life...God brought a very virile, young and attractive forester into my life last January. He was all things Smokey wasn't. He writes, loves Thoreau, is very active and moving all the time (whereas Smokey was a bit of a slug)...ran marathons, worked outside, LOTS of CHEMISTRY, etc...began to think, "Hey, God brought him into my life to challenge me...is it meant to be?"
HOWEVER, today, I believe in the MY SOUL and who the Lord wants ME to BE. Today, I'm choosing to put my faith in myself and the purpose God has for me...I believe in my own soul and a purpose-driven life...
...AIN'T NO BOY GONNA INTERFERE IN THAT ANYMORE.He can come along for the ride, but I'm not slowing down for no one. NO MORE.
Last edited by LoisB; 07/29/1411:57 AM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Does anyone believe in soul mates or twin soul unions?
I see this man for every flaw that he has, and I don't have any expectations of him. I don't expect to change him.
This is what he is. This is what Im getting if I choose to walk on with him.
Yet I can't explain this connection or bond I feel with him!
I'm with Heather on this one. I used to believe it and now I suspect it is damage responding to damage. It is a fake intimacy. it is probably what the MLCer feels for his/her schmoopie. Apologies for being blunt, but it is fool's gold.
I do believe in love and intimacy, I also think we can be deeply connected to another, at a level we do not understand, but frankly having heard so much about soul mates out of the mouth of MLCers I think the whole concept is deeply suspect.
Well, MLCer ex husband is fighting with D14 soon to be D15 in two weeks.
To refresh everyone's memory, D15 had her fill when XH dropped the bomb in June that he married OW. D14 hasn't spoken to him till today.
ExH told me yesterday " I would like D14 to start coming over again. It's been 2 months and she still won't answer my texts".
My response " I don't understand your request to see D14. Im not the person you need to be talking to. It's D14".
No response.
So silly me... I think about it for 24 hours. Why did he say that to me? Does he think Im controlling her? Does he think Im encouraging her to not see him? Is this his feeble attempt to ask for help?
So today I text Ex the truth but in what I felt was a kind way. I simply explained to him that D14 is older, understands more things, see's things differently and feels them deeper than D11. I told him that what she needs is time to process this all. I also told him that I have worked slowly to transition boyfriend into our lives for the last year and it's worked out well for the girls. I also said point blank that he and Susan were a big 2 by 4 across the face from the start to the girls, and that was hard! Then the bomb drop about the marriage just plain old pissed D14 off. I said he needs to consistently reassure her he loves her but give her space to soften. I suggested he return her bow and arrow that he REFUSES TO LET HER HAVE BECAUSE IT'S UNDER HIS JURISDICTION AND SUPERVISION as a peace offering because that's even hurt her worse.
No response of course.... except he did text D14.
he says to D14 " I would like you to start coming over again. It's been 2 months and I still don't know why you're mad at me".
Well D14 responded, of course in very vague, and cold words. Things like " I had hoped you would figure it out by now, but you obviously haven't. I know it must be hard given you're going through some mid life crisis or something".
Ex responded back " It must be nice to sit there and pass judgment on me! Where did you get all that information to make that decision? Who is telling you this? You never once asked me for my side of the story! If you ever want to talk to me or hear my side of the story then let me know. You're still my daughter and i love you".
Honestly, I feel like XH was minimizing D14's feelings and spinning it around to make it all about him! He was the victum, because she was judging him and never bothered to hear his side of the story!
It also sounded very defensive on his part as well!
Yet when and where was it her responsibility as a CHILD to ask for HIS SIDE OF THE STORY?
You know there's nothing I can do to fix this. It isn't my responsibility to make his wrongs a right!
D14 said that a long time ago she wanted to hear his side of the story but she was too afraid to bring it up. Now she says she doesn't even care anymore.
She's handling this situation so calmly. I explained to D14 that we have to accept him for who he is, even if we don't like who he is now.I told her it's ok to not like who he is now and how he's behaving. And that regardless of his behavior, I do know he does love her. She said to me " mom it's like he's completely forgot about everything that happened! It's like it never happened!".
So I see this as him just seeing his daughter as an extension of him, but not a person of her own and in her own right. He makes himself hostage to not seeing his own daughter because Im the one influencing her.
Yet D11 still see's him on a regular basis on her own.
If I was such a controlling bitch wouldn't I make sure D11 didn't see him too?
You know, Kimmerz, these guys look for anything to blame except themselves. You owe him no explanations. You did nothing wrong. He is faced with a consequence of his actions and now he cannot handle it. Reality check and he expects you to clean up after him.
If it makes you feel better my Ex does the same. It's my fault if the kids and him don't see eye to eye or if they do not get along with OW. I told J he needs to clean up his side of the street because I wasn't doing it anymore.
Let them work it out. If he blames you again, then let him have it or else walk away. Whatever feels right to you.
Just my two cents.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Hi Kim, Right now I'm going through all this as my D is coming to the end. My W knows that our D14 is angry at her. She also knows that she is much more likely to want to stay with me over her. She has wanted me to split custody 50/50 and "force" our D to stay with her even if she doesn't want to. At first I let this happen, "make" her spend 50% of her time with her mom. Now I got the paperwork from W's lawyer and she is trying to control EVERY thing my D does. Where she goes to school, where she spends holidays, vacations, etc. She doesn't want D14 to have ANY say! She has also reneged on many other things but this is the part I don't like. I had told her from the start that I wanted it in the decree that D14 gets to make up her own mind if she doesn't want or does want to do something with either one of us. What i got is the opposite of this!
They don't want to have to do the work to have a R with the kids. The kids, like everyone else should just except that they are doing the "right" thing for them! There is no way I will sign this. If I have to I will ask for primary custody and if D14 agrees that she wants this as well I will get it. But the difference is I won't "force" her to go anywhere, with me or her mom. This I will fight for because at 14 our kids can decide who and what they want to do. It sounds to me that your D is thinking for herself. She isn't trying to punish your H, she is merely not spending her time with someone that she doesn't want to. It doesn't matter if it's her father or not. He has done awful things and mistreated her. Until he at least realizes what he has done, I see no reason why she should be forced to stay with her father.
K - as you know trying to reason with a MLCer is well nigh impossible. The thing with emotional abusers is to focus on their actions and your feelings.
Itis hard for kids to be direct, but actually it isn't about 'sides of stories' Yes, they love to play the victim, Love it!
So the real answer is 'the way you announced your marriage was really hurtful to me' His act, her feelings. It is hard to argue that people have no right to their feelings.
Actually my ex regards feelings as something one should just "get over". If I am upset about something he did or said then I should just "get over it" and move on once he explains himself or comes up with an excuse why he did what he did or said what he said. He does this with everyone, not just me.
Of course if HE has his feelings hurt then it's a different story. If I (or anyone else) hurts him, intentionally or not, then it's unforgiveable.
I think it's whatever suits them at the time.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
not!