Stand and Deliver!

[LoisB]

Thanks Job. Yes, she can be passive-A about some things, but this one was more laziness. Then, she was apologetic. She is at work today. I'm liking that.

I visited a friend and vented some. It felt good.

More venting:

Today, I feel angry. I'm a good person. I'm sick of kids. Every effin time I turn around one of my kids needs me and I suck it up and I do what I need to do. I'm sick of having NO GD break from kids. I'm angry that I've done a bunch of footwork and God still hasn't given me a clear path outta hell. I'm angry that both windows on the Jeep refuse to go up. I'm angry that I'm running out of money. I'm angry that I'm still struggling and I'm angry that it was ALL laid in my lap to handle. I didn't deserve ALL of THIS...Autism, D20's alcoholism, full financial responsibility of D20, full parenting responsibilities of both girls, EVERYTHING. I'm angry that things don't seem to get easier, just more struggling. I'm angry that I'm smart and I'm skilled and I'm angry that Smokey is a big D-bag and he got to start over...found a job within a week and moved within a month and it's not so easy for me. I just want a break. Is that too much to ask? Seriously? Windows that work? And, then, to work so hard on this business and have this kid with the sexual issues jeopardize it all and to promote and promote and not have stupid students to pay the bills. I'm angry and sick of it...And Smokey is stupid. STUPID. I hate him today. And the OW can go suck on a rock. And, every effin time I turn around D11 is there. Right there, needing me, needing me and needing me some more...needing me to be strong and critique an outfit or drive her somewhere or listen or just be THERE. I would like someone to be there for me. And the Forester is stupid too. He is stupid for being stupid and weird and selfish and not admitting he had feelings for me. Stupid. It's all stupid and I'm tired of transition and I'm ready for something good. Ugh.

It's good for me to get angry. I haven't been angry enough.

Car goes in tomorrow. My mother sounded "thrilled" to have to pick me up when I took it to the mechanic. I paid two bills...glad I did because we almost had shut off on the electric and the Internet went off this morning...back on now. I dealt with it.

[KenF]

Jeep: have you checked the fuse?

if neither go up (and theres just 2) and they both quit at the same time, the first place to look is the fuse.

[LoisB]

They were working, previously, if you pushed on the console hard enough. The green light doesn't come on now at all. I don't think it's that big of a deal to fix. It's going in for an alignment, oil changes and window fix tomorrow.

Things will get better. Just needed to vent.

Thanks for trying to help Ken. :-)

[KenF]

then it sounds like the connection is coming off the back of the switches. they should pop out easy enough and just reseat the wiring harness. or if the switches had gotten wet before, it may be rust/corrosion.

and no problem. if it helps take a little load off, then its worth the tiny amount of time/effort i put in.

[LoisB]

Thank you. Nice people are out there. I need to remember this.

Today, my new favorite expression is, "Go Pi$$ up a rope."

In a perfect world, the President of the United States would send Smokey and Skank a letter from the White House saying that they have officially been denaturalized and ordered to live in Siberia where they would work as potato farmers for the rest of their lives. The President would tell them they have 24 hours to get out of the country. He would say that they are poor examples of citizens and don't deserve to live in a free country.

And, he would end it by saying,

"Go pi$$ up a rope, both of you. Heather didn't deserve this."

Then, I would feel better. It could happen.

[beatrice]

Don't you feel that the folks in Siberia have enough to deal with what with the weather, government and all? Just sayin

[LoisB]

Point taken Bea.

Let's send them to he!!. The President of the United States will denaturalize and "evict" Smokey and the skank to He!! for being truly reprehensible, morally-vacant, shallow, ego-driven people.

If the Prez helps me out, I might even consider becoming a democrat.

But, I will need a billboard in town reading, "Hi, I'm Smokey and I'm the Mayor of Cheaterville."

[LoisB]

So last night was a bit rough...felt myself giving into the fear. I took a decent amount of action yesterday...but felt/heard those negative messages drilling me hard before bed.

Before I fell asleep, I tried to reach the angry Heather. I got still and focused on the anger and I saw this really horrific image of a child--age 10? 12? huddled in a corner of a very dark, impoverished-looking room...very Dickens.

Her hair was matted, long and matted...as if she had been there a very long time. She was dirty and neglected and enraged at being left to die while others put themselves first.

I felt this deep desire to clean her up, listen to her and supply her with everything she has been lacking...attention, understanding, love, compassion, care...she has been ignored.

I'm going to clean her up and give her a cute pixie cut to get rid of matted hair and I'm going to listen to her...really listen... then, I'm going to trust God today and see where leads.

I'm going to keep the gospel music playing continually today.

[LoisB]

It's the anger that leads me to the River of Wallow and Self-Doubt and Fear and Depression...the anger leads me to my own self-destruction because I try to ignore it.

It's a fine line between recognizing it, without blaming, and using it to move forward.

I'm so accustomed to being mistreated that I now mistreat myself. I'm one of Pavlov's dogs...I've learned to hurt myself/live in lack/live in stress/live in poverty (financially, emotionally, spiritually) because I don't feel I deserve any better...I took the cue and ran with it.

I'm pushing out that neglect today...it's not good enough any more. I deserve better.

[LoisB]

Just spent some time with my mother. Need to vent a bit.

She called me at 8:50 to say that she would be there at 9 a.m. She wasn't, but this is an improvement for my mom. I didn't have to call and remind her about needing her to pick me up. I think the anger I expressed, somewhat, about her last bailout with the STC lunch, made an impression. I only had to tell her once that I needed a ride. She was about 20 minutes late, but I'm grateful for the pick up.

The subtle criticism began almost immediately. As I was leaving, I was telling the mechanic the list of things I needed him to address and mom chimed in, "Just rebuild the car." Ha ha.

I kept my boundaries up as she took me home.

First question: "How are you paying for these repairs?"
Me: "I'm just paying for this."
Mom: "Do you have any money?"
Me: "Yes, but it's getting low."
Mom: "Do you have five dollars?"
Me: "Like right now?"
Mom: "No, do you have more than five dollars?"
Me: "Yes. I have more than five dollars."

I remained calm and simply answered the questions as they came.

She, then, opened up the conversation about D20 and her drinking. She said, and I think this is really interesting, "I don't want her to go to one A.A. meeting, say she is Alcoholic, and then drop it. M-kay. Me either. Duh. I agreed, was polite.

I could be wrong, but the way she said it was more of an image thing...it wasn't so much about D20's well-being as it was about mom holding up her reputation in A.A. (38 years sober and all--star of the 12-steppers). I agreed and said I was trying to let D20 handle her recovery.

This kinda fits in with my calling mom last week and asking her to take me and D20 to a meeting. My mom's first response was, "Can we go next week?" Now, the night before, D20 had stayed up until 3 a.m. revealing all her sordid drinking this last year and how she believed herself to be alcoholic...Anyway...interesting...

Then, mom wanted to continue by analyzing D20...giving me her take on things. And, I found THIS really interesting...

I told mom that I saw D20 waivering a bit about being an alcoholic, but expected that. I said that I think D20 is very disappointed in how D20 expected/hoped to be able to go have the "normal" college experience with a sorority and drinking and everything else and discovered she couldn't because of her drinking. I said that last night I was surprised when D20 told a friend of mine that she wasn't going back to school because of money. I didn't correct it...not a big deal, but I told my mom I found it interesting that she doesn't bring up her drinking or grades when she tells people about choosing to sit this one out. Again, I'm cool with whatever D20 says...but, I noticed she vacillates some when taking responsibility.

My mom says, "Oh, I told her to say that. I told her to tell people that it's because of money. I know D20 is full of shame because she is not going back to school. This is hard for her Heather, she is embarrassed about not going back."

Ok. I get the shame part. I do. And, I won't influence D20 to say one way or another about her reasons for staying home...it's the actions I'm more concerned about...But, after a bit, I was thinking... Isn't getting honest about your drinking and the consequences part of getting sober? I'm not sure I agree with my mom's advice on this one. Why is my mom encouraging her to keep quiet? Is MY MOM ASHAMED?