Old dog seeks new trick 2

[Old Dog]

I've been pondering whether to post this since Sunday when I came across something my wife wrote down in her book of lists. Her list book is usually just lists of what we need to do or go shopping for: mundane things.

I suppose it's classed as snooping which is generally not a good idea and I feel bad for reading it, but I think most people would anyway: and in the spirit of openess and self examination, I have posted it.

The first must be over a month old as one of them is dated.

Page 1:

• it's not up to me to address it, that rests with him
• if he can't, so be it, there's no point in hankering after it
• he has to be brave enough to face it, direct and open enough to address it, and sane enough to be able to withstand it
• maybe he needs to rebuild from the ground up first, he's lost a hell of a lot of late
• his system has stopped working
• he doesn't have to prove how much he loves me, how much he wants this R, he's done that
• if he takes the easy exit and reverts to a life of jerking people around, that will be a sorry conclusion
• I'd really like to hope that by going in for round 2 I've shown him that that's not a viable alternative

[Page 2 dated a month ago]

• I worked tirelessly for 2 1/2 years to stabilse us, he worked to destabilise us: that part of him did
  
• then a bit abit about her lonliness (which made me sad)

It made me sad, guilty and confused about some parts e.g. the destabilising and jerking people around parts: not negating just that I don't understand her point of view ... yet.

This written before I'd been feeling low of late and I was already on the way up again, regaining a healthier PMA, before I found it.

I've been trying stay positive even through the trough - it was just harder - and lately I have been able to do it more easily.

I have been avoiding talking about our relationship or anything in the future, other than logistical stuff like holiday arrangements. I think I should wait for her lead in this as I think it's way too soon for that.

Anyone got any objective insight for me?

[Old Dog]

My iPad just reminded me it's the anniversary of our first getting together and also our wedding tomorrow. Thanks iPad I did remember though.

The subject hasn't been mentioned so far. I made a homemade card with a picture of the boys on it when we went to London the other week (she was at her friends for the weekend). No present and no love declared in the card just xx.

We're on holiday, as a family. Getting on OK: PMA in force: just no intimacy.

[Old Dog]

I gave her the anniversary card just now and it went well. She hadn't seen the pics of the boys before, so that was a nice surprise.

I didn't have to say anything in the way if an explanation - e.g. It's not just another day or I wanted to mark the occasion. That was a massive relief: as I was ... let's say 'a little nervous' about it beforehand.

Oh, and she touched me last night. Well I say touched. Elbowed me on the arm whilst asleep. Hey I'll take that at the moment :-)

Internet connection not so good here, so short & sweet and not much interaction on other threads I'm afraid.

Good luck everyone.

Old Dog xx

[Old Dog]

A day out survived. Mostly fine, but she knows how to push my buttons sometimes.

It will generally be over a small thing. I might get frustrated that something isn't going to plan and she will take the counter argument, then accuse me of hollering. I then say I'm not and the kids have backed me up on this and have even said she's louder at times. (My voice does get slightly louder and higher pitched when frustrated as I'm sure everyone's does.) Then she's says 'I'm not arguing with you'. And this is one of the things that she threw at me on Bomb day: inappropriate anger. I admit I can fly off the handle (very rarely), but this sort of thing isn't inappropriate, it's just expressing frustration and it will pass. Unless of course someone steps in and starts stirring.

I have to say it doesn't happen often and I don't fall for it as much now, but I still got caught today.

[Old Dog]

So, halfway through the family holiday and feeling rather alone. I'm not even getting any replies on here. The kids aren't up yet and W is sunbathing. It's hard trying to keep a PMA going for the whole time. Just had to shut myself in the bathroom with a thick towel. It's at times like these you wonder how you can do this, but there is no option. I just have to keep on.

I say 'you wonder', but it's only your programmed brain feeding you stupid lies, half truths, doubts and invalid preconceptions. I wish they'd go away. If only I could talk to someone I trust, like my W. Oh yeah, can't do that.

I know we could work it out. I know I can be a better husband. I just need a little help on the journey.

Right enough of that. I'm off to the shop. Can't speak a word of the lingo, it's point and grunt time :-)

Old Dog xx

[Ggrass]

Maybe smile point and grunt!
Hand signals are good, we get alot of non English people here at times, we manage.

Being sad is ok, feelings are ok. They do pass, and things get bettera.

[Mat]

Yes it's been quiet on the old boards... A lot of the people have their own stuff to deal with, while the vets are overwhelmed with requests. But it still feels lonely.

I was reading your wife's list; it seems obscure but it does sound like she wants to try to make this work and is thinking hard about the relationship. Sorry I don't have time to review your whole situation, but did you get marriage counselling (I know there's an abbreviation for that, but I hate them and don't see the point!!)

I mean, if you're going to spend any time thinking about the relationship, those are clues that I'd try to decipher...

Hang in there. Also; with the heat, have you been sleeping well? We're not well equipped to deal with heatwaves over here, and lack of sleep, over a 2-week period will affect your mood. Sometimes, being conscious of the physiological factors contributing to low PMA can make you feel better; it's just your body, not your situation you know?

[JCred]

Hi Old Dog.
Sorry to hear about your latest battle. Come on, keep plugging along.. " I think I can, I think I can, I think I can"

A day out survived. Mostly fine, but she knows how to push my buttons sometimes.

What specifically are your buttons?

It will generally be over a small thing. I might get frustrated that something isn't going to plan and she will take the counter argument, then accuse me of hollering. I then say I'm not and the kids have backed me up on this and have even said she's louder at times. (My voice does get slightly louder and higher pitched when frustrated as I'm sure everyone's does.) Then she's says 'I'm not arguing with you'. And this is one of the things that she threw at me on Bomb day: inappropriate anger. I admit I can fly off the handle (very rarely), but this sort of thing isn't inappropriate, it's just expressing frustration and it will pass. Unless of course someone steps in and starts stirring.

Sometimes the simple answer is the best answer.. Looks like what you have been doing isn't working too well. How about let's try something different...


Michelle says in DR to ask yourself this... "What can I do differently in this situation to surprise my spouse?"

My idea would be something like...

W: You're hollering (obviously to her you ARE hollering even though you only call it your voice getting slightly louder and higher pitched)

M: I'm sorry honey, there I go again with that inappropriate anger that you keep telling me about. Thanks for pointing that out to me. (then lower your voice and lower the pitch and change the subject.)(especially if it is over something you call a small thing. Michelle says to "Pick your battles wisely"

That is what I think would surprise her.

If you say she takes the counter argument, then it seems to me that it would be more productive for YOU to take the same side of the argument she is on, then if she wants to counter she would have to say that your aren't hollering, wouldn't she?

Food for thought... Do you want to be right or do you want to move forward?

[Old Dog]

Maybe smile point and grunt!
Hand signals are good, we get alot of non English people here at times, we manage.

Being sad is ok, feelings are ok. They do pass, and things get bettera.

:-) yes I always smile. A Spanish lady in the supermarket queue turned to me and fired off a long string of words which I took to mean 'I forgot something, I'll be back in a minute'. I smiled and nodded and said no worries when she came back.

Feelings eh? So that's what they are. They're the things I'm supposed to be more in touch with. I do hope they get bettera ;-)

Thanks for visiting GG

[Old Dog]

Got to go to the super again for washing liquid as son #2 has spilt his ice pop thingamajig all over his bed clothes. I'll be back.