Well, I don't know. I am just trying to get a better color for the situation.
So I am just rambling here:
There is so much I hear in your story where I can sense and see issues that need to be DB'ed (especially considering the ring off, and original conversations you posted).
But I see other parts that sense you still have very good connections, like maybe you two have just been out of stride.
You mentioned he went to the amusement park... but really doesn't like them. So I see where he "took one for the team". I was wondering if it would be appropriate to do a family activity where it was something he was interested in.
Not a date, not a gift, not trying to "win" any points. Just a family outing geared toward an interest of his?
Just a thought.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
That would be a great idea,,but right now he only seems to want to WORK, not sure what type of trip/family outing would be interesting for him. H does LOVE watching movies and we usually watch a movie together at least once a week.
Yeah H ring is still off!!! I'm wearing my ring.
The less I pressure H, things are less tense, H seems to seek me out more, conversations easier, H is more agreeable with our family or household conversations etc.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
The less I pressure H, things are less tense, H seems to seek me out more, conversations easier, H is more agreeable with our family or household conversations etc.
Very good.
Its been a while since you have commented on it, are there any other areas you are experimenting and monitoring (cheeseless tunnels), if not.... why not? If so, care to update us?
also, How did it go with re-reading DB & DR?
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
I dont know how I feel today. I know Im worried about my anniversary coming up and how I will handle it. I'm thinking about if I should even get a card, not sure if H will remeber or if he does, will he even get me a card. I'm not sure if he gets me at least a card,,,and I have no card for him,,,
Well my gut is telling me to have a basic Happy Annivesary card and leave it out for him before I go to work and leave it at that. I'm NOT expecting H to plan anything like I said he may not even remeber or mention it at all, or it may be an after thought once I leave a card for him. I want to make sure that however the day plays out, I dont get too hurt or upset and I dont mention it if he does not.
I'm not really experimenting in other ways while DBing, I dont think its time to invite H out on "dates", he is doing family outings but nothing just us yet, and I have not hinted or ask anymore. I do sometimes just touch him and watch his reaction. When he sleeps in our bed (which is he doing now 99% of the time) I kiss him before leaving for work. Oh I have also a couple of times kissed him before he leaves for work, which seem to be strange, so I backed off doing that.
Monitor, I watch often, to see how he reacts and or pay close attention to what he says, I catch him watching me alot. I ignore his cell phone, his mail, what time he leaves or comes homes certain things I need to avoid to make sure I dont start to ask questions or bring up the R or M.
I have to figure out where I am right now and what I want. So I have been focused on me and my son, and really tired of the whole M and this DBing, I need to wait a while longer,,but getting tired of waiting. I see small tiny signs from H at times, then for a couple of days nothing.
I need to pull back some more now, cause I want to have a M discussion, ask R questions and I know I need to wait until my H brings those up.
It has been a year since no ring for my H, and I thinking after our anniversay it may be time for me to remove mine,,,put it away.
Sometimes I feel like its time for me to move on,,,,stop standing...
Needed to post this today to help me,,, Feedback welcome, needed,,,
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
If you normally get a card, then do so...but nothing really mushing or sentimental. Leave it on the counter and if he gets you a card, great. If the doesn't, at least you've remembered your special day. No expectations if you do leave one for him to read. Okay?
Keep the focus on you and your son. A watched pot never boils.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
NO expectations, I will leave a card because the day still means something to me, a card as generic as I can get.
Today H and I had to have a serious conversation with our son about his recent behavior...we are a great team when it comes to our son...and it reminded me of one of the reasons why I love my H.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
The last couple of days have been kinda hard, I have been wanting to have a R or M disucssion but I have NOT, I dont know what has gotten me to feel all these emotions about my M again, but I'm doing good still DBing, my H seems to be settling down somewhat...things appear/feel easier between us. BUT I'm still hurt and upset that H seems totally OK with how things are between us, like this works for him. I'm just not sure how much longer this is going to work for me.
I miss doing things as a couple, miss him saying ILY, tired of not being able to call and be sweet to each other, or hug or kiss him if I feel like it, tired of the unknown, tired of not knowing if or when things will change for the better. Tired of not going on dates.
Yesterday, we had stepson, his GF and D over for dinner and movie,,I was sitting by H watching the movie and was sleepy, I wanted to place my head on his shoulder, but I did not because I had no idea if that would be ok or how he would react or feel and that pissed me of, really I cannot find comfort with my H. I know I know right now H cannot provide me with what I need from him as my man!!!
And I can hear H saying "now that I want to be in the relationship,,,,and he not so much,,,see how it feels" YES I treated my H bad at times, was a WAS, was distant, was cold at times.
Praying...
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Hi 2B, I know exactly how you feel! Your S should be a source of comfort, not fear of what they will say or how they will react. What you are living is really just a roommate/co-parent type of R. HE controls if and when you do pretty much anything, even if you kiss or ML. Not only that he gets to do only what he wants to do, even gets to not wear his ring (to me the only reason not to wear the ring is to show the world you are available..period!) just in case some hottie comes along. All he does is work, my W started doing that as well and it was just a way to control. You can't really get angry about that, right? He's working to provide for you and kids, right? Well, he's also over-working as a means of control.
You may have guilt because of the way you were a WAS in the past but lets face it, this has been going on for more than a year now and he isn't getting consistently better. He is in control and he likes that. If you feel that he is fine with the situation like it is then he probably is. That means that there is no reason for him to change things. He gets to punish you for your past "sins' for how long 2B?
The anniversary coming up is a good time to see just how much he really has changed. If he does nothing or acts like you are just lucky that he even allows you to be in the same room with him, why would he care to give you a card? Then I would say you may be stuck in a sitch where you may either be there for the rest of your marriage or you get to a point where you no longer settle for the shadow of a marriage you have now. 2B, there comes a time when you have to see the truth. In my case I did all that you are now, was a very good H, gave space and support. I tried to ignore the bad and reward the good. All it did was delay and give my W time to plan ways to get more for her when she walked out the door. All I feel now is cheated and used and my W is, if anything, worse now that she has gotten what she wanted and is gone from our home.
Just don't lose sight of you having every right to be happy too, 2B. We can get so caught up in how our S's feel that we allow them to ruin our lives and in the end they just end up leaving anyway. You deserve a man that you can feel like is YOUR man, not some guy who you have to think before you even put your head on his shoulder. That's NOT a marriage, that's a guy who is trying to control. They can only do so if we let them.
I agree, my guilt from being a WAS is allowing this to continue. I thought I had forgiven myself, but maybe I have not. I know I'm tired of this waiting for changes to happen. I still love my H, but we have no marriage now, not a marriage I want and heck we dont have any real R, other then parents to our son, we are friends I can say that, but I question how good of a friend my H is to me, he has to know this is not how I want to be treated by him. He acts like as long as he pays the bills, spend family time when he can, reaches out to me when he wants to...and all I can ask of him in return is bill money and things related to our son. NOTHING for me as his W.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
It has been a full year since the BD. I can see where this started probably 2 years back at least. But once the BD, H acts like he has told me how he is feeling and this is all he can offer me, take it or leave it!
He mentioned a while back that with me it's all or nothing,,,and I should have stood my ground then and said it is what I deserve! So now I "stand" and accept whatever R crumbs he throws my way.
I need to calm down, relax, pray and pull back more from all of this for a while.
It will be very interesting to see how H responds to our upcoming anniversary. I have already made plans with my friends for the weekend before (it falls on a monday). I had taken off that day, but planning to cancel it, I dont want to be sitting at home doing nothing, so I will work that day. UNLESS H brings up plans, I will leave a generic card on the table that morning and be done with it.
I did have a dream about H asking me to put his ring back on his finger,,,I dont often have dreams like that or that I can recall the next day...
Been stress eating, gaining weight. Need to focus on losing this weight and getting back to working out.
I think my time of "standing" is almost up
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
