Ready for some forum help

[sandi2]

I know you are seeking answers, but the description of the stitch is vague. She apparently hasn't given you much to go, other than dissatisfaction with the sex life. Did you share the same opinion?

Women who won't talk about the problem and go straight for D can be hard nuts to crack. There have been a few stories here where the man had no clue anything was wrong, and one day the W leaves without a word......and gets a D. I can't imagine how crazy that would make me, never knowing the reason behind it.

I don't know how to advise you about the physiologist session. IMO, the WAW has to be open and cooperative in order to accomplish much. Otherwise the C is dealing with her resistance. Did the court choose this C or did you?

I hope the C is pro-marriage and one who will give solutions. But there are some who actually encourage D and say go find your happiness.

Maybe just let the C lead the discussion, instead of you appearing to take charge. Answer the questions directed at you as honest as possible. If she sits there and won't talk, let the C deal with it. But don't talk for her. That's very important! The C should know how to deal with a resistant introvert in sessions.

[NewB3]

Sandi2

Dissatisfaction with sex was more about her not being in the mood. She once said we were at opposite sides of the relationship circle from each other. When I was in one frame of mind she was in the other. We were not seeing eye to eye.
This confused me and was one of the few things she said a few months prior to BD.
I never asked her to go to MC, but maybe I should have at that point? I will let him lead the session. He was a random call to a large clinic of psychiatrist and he called 2 days later as he was the first with an opening.

[sandi2]

So you really don't know anything about how he works with couples.? Well, I wish you the best.

Back to the sex issue, was it like bad timing? The moods were never together? Or was she never interested and found excuses?

If you have not read Michele's book on the Sexually Starved Marriage, I encourage you to get it. Even if your W isn't interested in reading it, I think it might help you.

Some women really starve for romance, and need it to have a healthy sex life. Some women need the fun, flirty play before bedtime. Some need to hear WOA to get in the mood. I believe the man needs to start the love making hours before bedtime. So many men start at the wrong end of the woman's body. He needs to start with her head. Make love to her mind, first.

I think couples need to break up routine. Fight against getting in the same pattern. That is what causes boredom. I remember having a lot of fun getting dressed up in costumes (if that's what you could call it). My H would come home from work and never knew what woman (me) would be waiting. Of course, I had to tone it down when the kids were around, but I would plan for them to have a stay over at grandma's......and then I could really knock his socks off! . It didn't happen every night. And, it would have been nice if he would have ever initiated some action that showed he was planning a romantic evening for me. I always felt it was one-sided.

It's so easy to let life get in the way. When things aren't good in the bedroom, it's usually a sign something needs to be addressed. If it's not, things begin to snowball until you don't know the main problem.

[NewB3]

Excuses. Romance left when child came along, we go lost in life and it snowballed. I am romantic and fun. She always said she loved it about me. Hope this therapist can help us.
Sandi2, she says she wants a D and was the one that filed. I am hoping some honest, open discussion can help her see this is not the answer. She wants to be best friends....co parent, says we will see each other all the time...etc. I feel she sees my detachment as her getting through to me and she is getting what she wants. My 180's have been noticed. What now? I can continue and will, this is for me. However, the detachment only means tomorrow in therapy she will have a BD on her. See?

[NewB3]

I want to be in this relationship. I am standing and not helping with the D. I AM getting us to go to counseling. Short of that, I have nothing else. Suggestions are always welcome, but hopefully I will not need them. I have unanswered questions about where we went wrong. I feel, like I have said, that there are misunderstood expectations on both sides and lack of communication.

[sandi2]

You are panicking. Get a grip and calm yourself down before you really mess up big. These things are not worked out in a day or two. Patience is a must!

I am hoping some honest, open discussion can help her see this is not the answer

.

I know what you mean, but you can't talk your way out of this problem. You have a WAW. Her heart is closed to you. Relationship talks won't fix this right now. You have to back off and leave her alone.

She wants to be best friends....co parent, says we will see each other all the time...etc

.

Did you know almost every WAW says this very thing?

I feel she sees my detachment as her getting through to me and she is getting what she wants.

Did you know almost all new LBH's say this, too? I want you to remember something. Your WAW won't think like you suspect she does. You know how different men and women are even under normal conditions, so you can't imagine how different a WAW thinks & feels. You could think just the opposite thought and get closer to what's in her head.

My 180's have been noticed. What now?

Notice in a positive way, or has she said? Some women feel it's too little too late. But I think the majority of WAW'S see it as a gimmic to win her back. Most do not trust the changes to stick. Some don't care. Some get angry it took this to wake the man up. I know right now all you can think about is getting her back. Hard fact is......your changes may not be enough for her. But the sooner you realize DBing is more about changing yourself in order to be the very best man you can possibly become.......the sooner you will get stronger, calmer, focused, and start healing.

I can continue and will, this is for me. However, the detachment only means tomorrow in therapy she will have a BD on her. See?

Not really. She will have a bomb dropped on her? How or what?

[NewB3]

"Honest and open discussion..." In therapy. I do not discuss the R
Best friends...reall? I did NOT know they all say that
LBH's all feel this way? Hmmm
My 180's have been noticed, as in I get comments on the things I have done at times. Thank yous, "I appreciate you taking care of that" etc. she has not said anything else
BD that although I am showing detachment that I still want to reconcile.

Sandi2
180's are for me...will be permanent. I am just freaking out. Only on here.... Around W, I am calm, happy, under control, and acting as if. As if to her is more than likely like I do not hear her...she has said that to me when we get to a paperwork point or move forward. That I do not hear her.
I appreciate all you are doing to help me. Please continue.

[NewB3]

BTW I backslid this afternoon. She came home from errands, walked towards me, I grabbed her arm and spun her around...like we danced sometimes being silly. She did not budge, so I gave her a bear hug and picked her up off the floor. Oops.
I went right back into normal 180 mode and came to re-read sandi2's 37 steps. Whew....

[NewB3]

Very nervous about today. Trying to stay positive and remember everything I've read.

[sandi2]

"Honest and open discussion..." In therapy. I do not discuss
the R

Are you saying you discuss the R in therapy, but not with her when away from the therapy sessions?

As if to her is more than likely like I do not hear her...she has said that to me when we get to a paperwork point or move forward. That I do not hear her.

Sorry, but I'm not understanding. Are you intentionally not listening to her?