I took your advice Mr. Bond. I know that mom meant well, and she understood that I was having a bad day and acted rashly. (BTW Mr. Bond, I like the variation on the Jedi code in your sig. And yeah, I'm kind of a nerd, lol).
W actually hasn't said anything about it. I'm pretty sure she hid it as soon as she could. I haven't been following W on Facebook so the only reason I knew about it was someone I know texted me with a "did you see what your mom wrote?"
I'm just going to chalk it up to a bad day, move past it, and get on with everything else.
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
I went fishing today with some friends. We didn't catch a thing, but I had a great time. One of the guys I was with complained because we didn't catch anything, and I told him "that's why it's called fishing, not catching." I love fishing because of how peaceful it is, not for actually catching fish. I could fish for a month, not catch a thing, and be perfectly happy.
Fishing also gives me time to think. Today, of course, my thoughts drifted to my wife, and one of my thoughts interested me very much. My W and I never really fought. Neither of us really communicated our issues well. If something bothered me, 9 times out of 10 I just ate it, and then the tenth time I just got angry, walked away, and in 15 minutes I'd be fine. My W, if something pissed her off, she wouldn't get outwardly angry, she'd just sit on it for days, and then if she wanted to she'd talk about it after sitting on it. She always said she didn't want to discuss things while she was angry. We never really outwardly fought or got angry with one another. Maybe we should have. My outbursts weren't good, and I think that for her, after a while, just sitting on things, they just festered, and she began down this path. I never wanted to upset her, to make her mad, that was a definite problem from my end. Maybe we should have fought some.
Somehow I think that fighting with her would make a poor 180 though... haha
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Maybe so, but reframing this as "negotiating conflict in a mature and healthy way" would make a GREAT 180. In the course of separation and divorce there will inevitably be conflict so you will have a chance to use your new skills if you make the effort to acquire them.
I came from a conflict-averse relationship too, and so whenever there was disagreement one or the other simply gave in. It looked like we didn't fight, but instead we lost respect for each other and were resentful and passive aggressive. I had to learn to be more brave and assertive about airing difficult topics, and I wish I had more skill in this area. Working on it with my IC.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Haven't been on here for a while, been real busy with work.
Adinva, thanks for providing some direction with how to take my thoughts. I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head with how my wife felt with our conflict aversion. Me, I recover really quick from things that bother me, whether that is a good thing or bad.
Not too much going on with my sitch otherwise. Haven't seen W in two weeks. Sent her an email yesterday because she got mail at the house, and I wanted to borrow the tent to go camping in two weeks. She responded, saying I could borrow the tent and that she'd drop it off and pick up the mail when she drops off the cats for me to watch next weekend. I ended my original email with "Hope you are doing well," just to be nice. She said that she is doing well and that August is going to be "very busy but it should all be fun." I know from the rules to not believe much of what I see or read, but in the back of my mind, that stung a bit. But I'll just need to counter that with having fun myself.
Speaking of mail, I did get something interesting in the mail today. It was a letter addressed to both of us from Poland, which is where her grandmother lives (W mom is from Poland originally). I didn't open it because I felt that since it was addressed to both of us, I should wait until she either tells me I can open it or she is at the house. But given the timing, and the fact that it was addressed to both of us, I can only assume that it is an anniversary card from her grandmother. If that's the case, I guess she hasn't told her yet about her leaving. It should make for an interesting interaction when we open it.
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Well, my head is spinning today. I got offered a new position at work today. The work that I would be doing sounds really interesting, and the job could be a fast track to a managerial type position. But it's in a different state, about 2-3 hrs away from where I live right now. I'd either need to commute on a weekly basis (drive up on Monday, stay in an apartment through Friday and drive back - I don't know what I would do with my cat) or completely pick up and move, leaving my home, and all my attachments here. Not to mention that, even though I know I need live for myself now, I have no idea what effect it might have on the possibility of ever saving my marriage. With everything else that is going on, I was definitley not looking for another potentially life-altering event so soon.
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Had my 10 year high school reunion today. It was good to see some people that I hadn't seen in a while. For the most part I had a good time, but I did hit a bit of a bump along the road. Someone asked if I was married, and to be honest, at first I had no idea what to say. The best I could come up with was "kind of." Luckily the person that asked could sense it was something I didn't really want to talk about it and let it drop.
After the reunion, went out to see a movie with a friend. Highly recommend Guardians of the Galaxy, great movie.
Head is still spinning regarding the new position at work. I really want to take it, but I am still stuck on not wanting to leave the house, neighborhood, and things here that I have grown attached to. And like I said before, I wonder how it would affect any chances I have of a reconciliation. Has anyone had experience with either themselves or the spouse moving away and how that impacted things? In the end, that aspect won't be the make or break aspect for me, but I wouldn't mind some insight.
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Today was a trying day. First, I found out that I am going to New Jersey next week to talk to the manager of the office I might be transferring to about the job. So that sent my head spinning again about that. I still am having issues with deciding how to proceed with that. It's a great opportunity, but it feels like closing the door and running away after everything that has happened.
Then I had my IC appointment. I was looking forward to it because it helps to talk, and to have someone listen who doesn't have a dog in the fight, so to speak. But I left kinda down. During it, my IC said that to her, it seemed like based on how my W is behaving, and what has happened, that it's her opinion that it is an OM, and that my wife has made up her mind and I won't be able to change it. She seems more geared toward helping me move past everything than to work on accepting where I currently am and continue fighting. I just felt kind of defeated. I told her I don't plan on giving up until a judge tells me to, and maybe not even then.
Then W stopped by to drop off the two cats that she took with her. She's going away for the weekend to a reunion (that we had originally both planned to go to) and I am watching them. W was in and out in less than 5 minutes, per her normal when she comes to the house. Said she was sorry she had to run but she was late to grab a beer with a Lt of the fire department she joined. (The FD is a recent thing, she just joined a little bit before I left for Bangladesh. I think it is kind of a make-up for dropping out of the police academy, but she seems to be enjoying it). So she dropped off the cats, and was out the door before I could even let them out of their carriers.
It's good to have al of the cats around again. Although, when I look at them I think of her, which kinda [censored]. It's that weird crossroads of "I'm happy to have you back" and "you remind me too much of her."
I am so exhausted. I just want to sit W down and tell her how I feel. That what she did was the most disrespectful and hurtful thing that anyone has ever done to me. That I am pissed off and can't understand how she could just give up. That I want an explanation of why. That I still love her.
Well, for the time being I am just going to "just keep swimming." My family is coming down this weekend, so that should be fun.
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Nova - if I can make a suggestion, it might be worth considering whether your IC's efforts to help you move on cold actually help to restore your relationship. Keep in mind that many of the ideas raised here that will help your relationship are based on the same kind of ideas as moving on - getting a life and detaching, especially. Perhaps if you allow your IC to work with you on some of these things it will actually wind up helping you in the long run.
I know this feels absolutely brutal right now, and you have a lot going on to deal with right now. I genuinely think one of the est things you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself as best you can, and one way to do that may be to work with your IC. You can always mention where you are and how you want to proceed, too, and focus on the things that will be most beneficial to you and to dealing with the relationship.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
