Also, sho, put that anger aside tonight and LISTEN to your W. Really HEAR what she is saying. Depending on where her mind is today, there may be some re-writing of marital history. But listen for the complaints she has that STING.
These are the areas on which you can work to improve.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sho this is advice I wish I had a year ago!
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Awesome advice, Train. Sho you did just fine. Strong, calm. I'd've preferred you to keep her hanging a bit today, but that's fine.
Do stop asking --or even expecting -- her to be honest with you. At BEST she's going to trickle-truth you. If you KNOW she's lying, do the "stop" thing, but don't ASK her to be honest. Maybe say "I would 'expect' you to be honest with me, as that's always been a rule in our family."
Two ears, one mouth. Zero decisions.
Praying for you,
Starsky
^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Ditto!
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Quick update...when I got back from going out (950pm), she was asleep, so we never talked.
I met a buddy for a beer and we talked about my sitch. Ironically, he had an A several years ago. Fell totally in love with the OW. His wife found out, confronted him and said "you need to decide what you want. I am on a 'train' with the kids and this family moving in this direction (points somewhere) and if you want on the train, you need to leave the other part of your life for good." Turns out, she had read DR and practiced it on him. He said it worked very well on him and woke him up from the fog. He learned from that point that M is work. But she also was super patient and did not push him. She went about her life like he was gone already. He realized that she was super independent and did not need him, which drew him back.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
My W and I spoke but she did not admit to the A. At first she denied it but then finally admitted that they have been talking. I told her to stop lying in a very stern voice. She said that is the issue...I am so controlling, she has never been happy in our 15 yr marriage and she does not want our future together. I said that we cannot talk about our M and our family while she is having an A. I told her that I know all about it, the weekends away, the lies and the deceit. She continued to say that it was not an A. They have been talking. She said he is married and has two kids. Not sure that I believe that part (I am pretty sure the OM is divorced).
She was mad that I knew so much and demonstrated to that I am vindictive and mean. She also said that I have been not a part of the family for years (not true) and that I have been super secretive (again not true). She was trying to justify her A without admitting to it. She was mad that I went out last night and did not want to talk with her. I told her that I had plans. But, she saw this as controlling because I would talk to her on her terms.
Is she right that I have been controlling over the years? Yes. But not as bad as she seems to think of course.
I definitely did not handle this well because I kept repeating "I am committed to my M, my family and our kids. But that we can discuss our M and our family as long as she is having an A." She continued to deny the A and went to yoga.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I haven't been following your sitch closely but I just want to put this out there as food for thought:
If you agree with her that you are controlling, then how can you determine how she experienced that degree?
For context: few people would call my husband controlling in the usual sense. But in the areas where he was, to me, it felt extreme. The level of anxiety I would feel in those moments blocked out every other consideration. If we were leaving for a road trip and I was fifteen minutes later than I said I'd be, I'd be in a state of near panic trying to get everything done.
Now that we're separated, the level of relief and release I feel is difficult to express. Like, to the point that although he left me, it is one of the factors that made me question how much I wanted him back. And this is from a guy I would not generally describe as controlling, and who never set out to be.
So if you acknowledge that you are at all controlling, seriously consider that. She is an adult, one that you trust your children and your household to. Is any level of control necessary, desirable, or acceptable? Would you want to be treated that way, even a little?
I'm not defending her A by any means. But she gave you information about what she found intolerable. If you want to save your marriage you need to take that information seriously.
The line you were walking in that conversation was a narrow one, and I'm sure the vets will show up and speak to that. I just want to emphasize the point she was trying to make because going forward that information will probably have a huge bearing on your success in repairing the marriage.
Last edited by Maybell; 07/27/1412:46 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I thought you handled it pretty well, Sho. Having made your statement, do NOT keep repeating it as it will only weaken it and come across as holier-than-thou.
She tried to trickle-truth you, as I'd expected.
The "I've never been happy" stuff is pure SCRIPT; it's probably stated 95+% of the time. I imagine that you have anniversary cards and hundreds of other shared family experiences with her that indicate otherwise. They say this to justify what the did; it's a "compartmentalizing" thing, morally.
You stood your ground; LET HER BE today. Remain upbeat, but not syrupy so.
I'm sorry she's continuing to lie to you; I know that stings.
I know I have been controlling. My dad is that way with my mom. I truly hate that I can be that way and know that my wife feels great freedom being a part from me now when she travels. The A is giving her the strength to stand up to me. In a weird way, maybe it would have been better if I had not known about the A because I know she liked the guy she was now seeing. But by confronting her about the A, she sees me as controlling and is "proving" to herself why she needs to leave me.
To be less controlling, I need to: - not ask her to tell me the truth - let her do what she wants, never ask where she is going - GAL - Focus on my kids - Show her that I am a better man
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I know I have been controlling. My dad is that way with my mom. I truly hate that I can be that way and know that my wife feels great freedom being a part from me now when she travels. The A is giving her the strength to stand up to me. In a weird way, maybe it would have been better if I had not known about the A because I know she liked the guy she was now seeing. But by confronting her about the A, she sees me as controlling and is "proving" to herself why she needs to leave me.
To be less controlling, I need to: - not ask her to tell me the truth - let her do what she wants, never ask where she is going - GAL - Focus on my kids - Show her that I am a better man
Pretty much, but try not to put TOO much on the "you're too controlling" complaint. It's stated by probably 90% of wives caught having affairs, especially after their betrayed husband lays down the "I will not live in an open marriage" boundary.
The challenge is now going to be that there are parts of this process now you're going to HAVE to control, and you're also going to have to enforce your boundaries. You have GOT to draw strength and confidence from your performance and genuine changes during the past 6-7 weeks and trust that she fully experienced them. Again, that is more than most of us were able to do!
