WAH with OW/EA - advice wanted! :)

[cq1]

My last reply to you Lisa, is exactly what I am doing. Trying to do the best I can. I keep telling myself to strengthen my self with this time for whatever outcome it will be. Got to be strong and ready. We both need to okay.

[LisaB]

Hi cq1, thank you for your thoughtful reply. I completely agree. Thanks for being in my corner!

It is hard for me to figure out how to be less available. I guess just not answering his messages at all, but then I wonder if I would then look angry and then give him some sort of satisfaction that I care....?

I guess I will try to be even less friendly (one or 2 word answers) and take even longer to reply, and maybe only reply to necessary texts. It is just hard to determine the best course. Everyone has such a different situation and different techniques, all within the DB framework. Some are friendly, some are dark. I was doing something in between but I don't know what is the best course of action.

After we "chatted" a bit last week I do feel the need to pull back though. I didn't really feel 100% good about that. I felt I was giving him what he wanted but what was I getting? Nada.

Hope everyone is having a good one. I am feeling a bit better after working out. It usually helps with the emotions.

Hugs,
Lisa

[LisaB]

Hey Dbers, need a bit of advice again.
My H messaged me again asking to meet for a drink. I had told him last week that I was too busy but that this week might be better so I guess he is following up. I am truly busy, and he knows this is the case and I'm not just trying to look cool.

Anyway...I asked this same question before and got great advice. My problem is that now I have also talked to my friends IRL and they are telling me to do things that are not really DB. So I am hoping that someone on here can give me some support and feedback that can push me in the right direction.

I have not replied to his newest request to meet yet. When I asked friends for their advice they said he might want to clear the air and tell me about OW (he doesn't know I know). OW even might be pressuring him to do it so they don't have to be secretive (I'm not 100% sure they are seeing each other still but I assume so). They say that I should not agree to meet without saying something first for example asking exactly what he wants to discuss, or telling him I don't want to discuss the R or anything stressful. Others suggested telling him I'm still hurt and don't want to meet yet. One person even said I should tell him I already know about OW so if that is why he wants to meet there is no need.

I feel all of these are NOT DB techniques. As far as I understand I am not supposed to bring up the R or OW. I am supposed to act as if I am completely fine and happy and my happiness has nothing to do with him, and therefore I should not show that I am concerned about meeting nor tell him I am hurt. I am supposed to be cool as a cucumber.

But it is true that I am terrified he wants to meet to tell me something I don't want to hear. And I do not want to meet to hear bad news, especially news I already know (aka OW). So what to do?

Ben2010 gave me great advice but now with this onslaught of advice IRL I am really scared and worried.

I am stuck in a analysis paralysis. HELP!
Hugs, Lisa

[cq1]

Lisa Dear, ask yourself if you can handle the truth? Of course you can because who wants to live every new day in a lie. IMHO, If you are strong enough to meet face to face then do it. If not then get what he has to say over the phone. If he tells you about OW let him speak then you tell him you have known all along. Leave it at that. Don't let him lure you into how you feel. Don't show him anger or care. Let him see that you are strong enough to move on. If he talks about R just validate what he has to say. Figure out where you stand in this, your boundaries, let him know in a calm way. Think of a plan on how you will handle it if he says this. Think of a plan if he says that. Stick to it and that will help you get through this current phase of your Sitch. Now, if you're not ready to hear what he has to say, then leave him in this chase and continue to detach and strengthen yourself. All in all, think about what you can handle at this point in your Sitch, because its not all about him...it's about you.

[LisaB]

Thank you cq1!!!! That gives me a lot of strength. I really don't think I can handle it if he drops a bomb on me, but at least your excellent words of advice help me to have a plan for what to do/say if he does! You are so wonderful, thank you!!!
Hope you have a great day!
Hugs,
Lisa

[cq1]

Lisa, thanks for your support again with the changes that is happening with my Sitch. It's weird, when I fought so hard for my M, I finally got to a goal in this journey which is to get a little reaction from the W, it can now be turned out as more lies or even more hurtful... Lies with a motive. Well, one thing I am happy about is that even though I don't feel it's what I want to do, but may need to do the big D. I am accepting it.

How are you? Hope things are getting better for you.

Want to hear something funny? Ok. When I sat down with wife before laying down my boundaries. I asked her, "Would you give me a short moment to talk about our R, I mean relationship?" Lol. I said "R" like we do here on this forum.

Take care and have a great day tomorrow.
Cq1

[LisaB]

Hi cq1! Sorry for the mess you are in. I hope you can continue to be strong and set your boundaries and stand up for yourself.

I am doing ok, a bit up and down. Starting to realize that my H was maybe feeling negative about the R for longer than I originally thought. Maybe it was not as sudden as it seemed. I had trouble wrapping my head around how he could become dissatisfied in 2 weeks and then jump into bed instantly with someone else. But maybe it was under the surface for longer than I, and maybe even he, realized. That's hard to face.

I'm still struggling with how to communicate with him. Sometimes I feel like being friendly and talkative. But then I wonder what the best tactic is. Going with my feelings has never really been the best way to handle things.

I am also losing hope for reconciliation. I am just very hurt and my trust is in the toilet. Even if he came begging I don't know what I would think. But I do miss him and wish I could make it all just go away.

He found a new permanent place to live and mentioned that I should come "check it out soon".

I don't know if he is still seeing OW, I assume he is as it has been such a short time since they started banging. If it all went south already that would be rather quick.

Well, I hope everyone else is doing well today. I wish I was doing better but I guess I could be doing worse.
Hugs, Lisa

[cq1]

Lisa, always hold your head up no matter what. The only thing you, we LBS can do is just better ourselves for ourselves. Please continue to be stron and get stronger. It's good that you see that the problem in your marriage was longer than you thought. Find yourself, be yourself, it's the only thing we can do. We both know what these forums is about. Support and to show us the best way to handle our sitch. Gal and detach too. We just need to prepare ourselves for the worst so we can depart with strength. One thing for sure is when and if we do depart we would know within ourselves that we did everything we can to save our marriage right? Otherwise, why are we here on this forum...divorce busting. Stay your course and think about yourself now. Get out and have fun with friends.

How should you communicate with him? Ask yourself, does he deserve you to be there for him all the time? You will find your answer on how to communicate with him.

Has he mentioned D? Or is this just a S for time and space? If he hasn't mentioned D, then leave it at that. When you're strong and got a new life, then handle it then. It's a long road ahead. I read some other threads and some were able to save their M after two years if DBing. So dont rush it. Like they say here, our WAS us giving us the gift of time. Find your happiness and strength without him. Find it for yourself girl.

As for going to see his new place, I wouldn't. I feel like he ask you to so he can get comfort for himself that what he is doing is ok with you completely. Please don't be so available for him. Let him start to miss you. Have you read the LRT? You should if you haven't. It even tells you when you should use it. Most importantly, you need to be at a place where you are strong enough to use it and accept either outcome.

Be strong Lisa. Find yourself.

[gan]

Hi Lisa, been following your thread as I too have a WAH and you started posting around the time I started reading (mines not an active thread so far as there's not been much contact since he moved out 6 weeks ago).

I can certainly relate to the feeling that separation may not have been as sudden as it originally seemed. Our fall into separation seemed to happen over a couple of weeks and I struggled to understand where it was coming from at the time. But a few weeks on - with 20/20 hindsight - I realize H did say/do things before that that should have made me realize he was unhappy. I was too busy explaining why I didn't agree with what he said, and not actually hearing what he said. (e.g. H: "It feels like we are roommates"; Me: "Here's all the reasons why I think we are more than roommates…."). Now THAT was a missed opportunity to engage him in conversation about what he would like to see us doing differently so he didn't feel that way…

We live, we learn. Hang in there, girl. It seems this is going to be a long ride, with lots of ups and downs.

[LisaB]

Hi cq1 and ganb8te! Thanks for checking in with me. I hope you are doing well cq1!

Sorry to hear that you are in a similar boat ganb8te. My H didn't really complain so much or tell me that he was unhappy. I might have actually noticed that. It was more that he was sometimes distant, distracted and grumpy. I thought he was just stressed out at work, which he was, but that was apparently not the only problem. He also talked a lot about the OW and how great she was, but she was a friend of mine too so I just thought we were talking about a mutual friend. I would agree with him about how great she was!

I have been feeling quite hopeless about my situation and wondering whether or not there is any way to reunite.

In my thinking about this I started to look back on previous relationships where I left the guy. Usually it was because I got bored and didn't see my future with them. And often I would become detached from the relationship and start noticing other guys and developing infatuations for them. Then I would finally leave the relationship. (I know, this isn't so nice but it was a long time ago)

I wondered whether there was anything those boyfriends could have done to make me reconsider leaving them. I realized probably not , which made me depressed about my current situation, but happy that I left those guys!

But what if those boyfriends had quickly seemed like they were happy, confident and doing fine without me. What if they had changed the things I didn't like about them. What if they had become more motivated, more interesting and changed their appearance in some way. What would I have thought?

Of course I can't say for sure, but I think I would be pleasantly surprised. Maybe I would have been curious and wanted to spend more time with them. Especially if they were friendly and polite but didn't seem to want to get back together. If they seemed to be fine without me and had changed quite a bit making them seem different, I think I would have reconsidered these guys I got bored with.

So what does this tell me? It tells me GAL and 180s are the way. It tells me that DB is the way. Because these techniques would have possibly worked on me if there was any hope for those old relationships.

Sometimes you can read all about something but until you internalize it, it just doesn't stick 100%. I think now I don't have to just blindly believe in the DB method, I can feel in my gut that it is the only way.

I hope my rambling helps someone today!
Hugs, Lisa