Really too late....

[lost18]

Really having a roller coaster of emotions today. Feeling very anxious and sad right now.

H and I were having a conversation about "living off the grid," (we've been watching a few shows where they do that) pretty sure I couldn't, wouldn't want to, do it, at least not extreme. Anyway, he went to the garage to have a smoke and a little bit later I went out there. He had his phone in his hand and I could see that he had been using it but slipped it in his pocket.

I thought there hasn't been a lot of contact with ow but could very well be way off base. Anyway, he went to "read" in "his" room. I think I'm going to take D13 to the movie. Sigh

[lost18]

Ok, time to get off my pity party. I realize that I have not come close to detaching. Haven't quite figured that out yet, definitely need to work on that big time!

So, D13 and I went to the movie. It was good to get out of the house.

Here are some things I have been thinking about the past few hours. Most are obvious when I'm using my brain and not my heart.

1) If he is going to contact ow there is nothing I can do about it. Whether I'm home, he's in "his" room, he's in the garage, he leaves, I'm in the shower or in my room....it doesn't matter. Does it make it inconvenient for him sometimes, sure, but I CAN'T CONTROL IT.

2) Another issue I'm having with that ^^^ is I did tell him (put a boundary) that I did not want him to have any contact with ow while the girls and/or I are home. I have no proof that he is, and don't think I should and don't want to bring it up (for several reasons). So I feel like I can't be firm on that boundary. Any suggestions on that are appreciated.

3) Trying to figure out the pattern. If I back off does he come closer? Does he back off and I get needier (for lack of a better word)? Do I feel progress and then become needier and push him away? Can't quite figure that out yet, need to pay closer attention.

Today, he was outside working on a project with D13, I had been out there earlier putting the last coat of stain on my shelves, when I was done I came in and was on the computer. He came through the house and asked me if I was going to come outside. (it was genuine and nice) Of course then made it all about D13...I went and watched for a bit, took some pictures. I guess we are both all over the place...

That is why we recognize this as the push-pull dynamic. The WAS get closer to you momentarily and then when they realize how "close" they got to you..they PULL waaaay back as not to give you any false hope of recconciliation becausee they "feel" a bit disloyal to the OW/OM. Tbhis is the foggy brain that's impacting their actions.

I came home from the movie and decided I needed to read my huge email I keep adding to of good posts I find here. ^^^ This one was posted today, I think by Wonka, makes sense that may be what I'm experiencing.

[lost18]

Took some time to myself today. Talked to my sister for awhile, she is getting angry with H and his selfishness and immaturity. I think because I was angry and upset too so she probably follows my emotions somewhat to support me. She understands what my goal is and why I'm doing what I'm doing. She also understands that if it continues I'm going to get to a point where I'm done.

I tried to make plans with friends today to no avail. I knew I had to do something so I got ready (make-up and hair) and went out. He noticed but neither of us said anything, I was vague with D13, just said I was going out and about.

I didn't really have anything to do or money to spend so I ended up just going to the bookstore, read through some of DR and snooped around a little. Took the long way home and swung thru the Starbucks drive-thru and listened to a podcast on the way.

We are still getting along, talking and laughing. We were talking about his brother and his situation. He made the comment about when we go see them or they come here how his wife will complain about moving back to the states. Sounds like future talk....another reason I need to detach. He is all over the map and I don't think he has any idea.

[lost18]

Ok, so I need help. One of the boundaries I set with H is no contacting OW while the girls and I are home. I'm pretty sure he has been although I have no proof. Tonight, he was out on the lanai on his laptop (typical) he was also texting. I was standing in the kitchen, perfect view of his chair and he was texting away. Sometimes he hides his phone like the other night in the garage. Suddenly, he comes in the house turns off the lights outside (my opinion he was glaring at me while doing so) throws his glasses on the counter. I asked why he was throwing stuff around and he said he wasn't. Went right to "his" room without even saying goodnight to the girls like he usually does.

I know there is some speculation on my part, but now I'm upset. How utterly selfish of him. After 18 years of marriage I deserve much, much better than this.

I don't see anyway to address it without a fight and me getting upset. Do I just ignore it? Let it go? I'm open to suggestions.

[mahhhty]

lost18,

I am new to the board, and read your thread. I can hear/see the hurt you are going through. It is good to set goals, especially for yourself. As that is all you can really control. You know this, as I saw it in your thread. Therefore, him crossing the boundary is very disrespectful, but not something you can control. How are you doing with performing a 180? Focusing on you and detaching?

[rd500]

Hi. Not a vet so please take what I say as just my thoughts. You posted that you can't control your H and his contacting OW. Your right , mind reading will only cause you oak because it's rare to mind read with a positive spin. If you get proof he has over stepped or broken a boundary then confront him. Until then detach and become the best you that's possible. Let the negative thoughts go and stop the mind reading, neither will help at the moment. Take care

[newton0]

It's hard if not impossible when one partner checks out.

I tried my best at DBing for almost a year to no avail.

I'm still very sad, but at least I know that according to my therapist, I did all that I could to save my marriage.

Hopefully yours will work out better.

[lost18]

Thanks rd, I know you're right, but I'm getting to a point where I am giving up hope and although he has always been somewhat selfish, this is just making me see that even more clearly. He has his old iphone on a speaker out in the garage (there is also a stereo) I wanted to listen to that while I mulched instead of the same 5 songs on the radio. It has a password on it, I asked him for it and he wouldn't give it to me, put it in himself and made sure I couldn't see. Of course with a stupid smirk on his face. Really? Grow up and quit being such a disrespectful a$$. I asked him to change the password so I could use it. Apparently he hasn't deleted anything off of it and is going to continue hiding things from me.

I have been very tempted to send and anonymous email to ow (if it's still the same one) asking her if she knows he's married. I won't! I know it won't get me anywhere. But seriously, if he's still keeping this long distance affair going while living in my house why so secret. Tell me, you've met someone, this is what's going on. Instead he wants to have his family and comforts of home while getting his emotional needs met somewhere else.

Is he waiting for me to be the bad guy? I'm trying to live my life but these emotional setbacks are making it difficult for me.

On a positive note, I finally got the picture ledges I made hung (with H's help) and they look really good. Now I'm making some frames. I really enjoy building things, who knew. I could use a little more patience because sometimes I don't take my time and it shows in the final product!

[lost18]

Continuing to struggle emotionally. The twisted stomach, something I haven't felt in a while has been back the past few days. Not sure why, nothing has really changed.

I have been giving some thought to what happened the other night when he was on the lanai texting. I did not do a good job of "acting as if." I assumed because of the way he acted that he was texting OW. I realize that there is a very good chance that he was, however, there is a possibility that he wasn't. If it's 8pm here, it's 1am where suspected OW is. So...it is possible that he doesn't text her in the evenings. The other reason he could have been upset is because he felt like I was watching him (which sadly I was.) Or maybe he was just tired and ready to go lay down.

So after I thought about that the past few days, yesterday I got home from work and he was in a "good mood." I automatically started thinking that he was able to get some internet face time with OW because he had time alone all day. I have got to try to change my thinking.

There has been a lot of talk on the boards about exposure. In my situation I know exposing, especially without proof, my H to his family would not have a positive outcome. I have considered contacting OW, just to say hey, you know he's married with children. But, as I wrote that I know that would not have a positive outcome with H, it may drive him out the door very quickly.

I guess maybe my H is right, maybe I'm more negative than I want to admit. Instead of looking at the positives in my situation, I have been focusing on the negatives.

Positives
He's home, in our home
we are getting along
he has not told the girls
he has not filed for divorce
we are having dinner as a family
we do things together
he has set up some of his things around the house
he seems to be comfortable in his family home with his family
he does show some concern when I'm not feeling well

negatives
he is sleeping in the other room
no physical contact
most talks about future are just him
he is very protective of his phone, with him at all times
he keeps money separate

My working on myself takes hits with my emotions.
I am continuing to see IC and taking AD's as I have been.
Running with my friend a couple times a week (we slacked a bit but are back at it).
Continue to do things around the house to keep it clean (big issue in our marriage)
I filled out a volunteer application for Habitat for Humanity, looking forward to volunteering.
Continue to work and apply for jobs (could do better here)

I think if I focus on one thing to improve on it is going to be more exercise, I need to start working out more. I need to lose some weight, unfortunately the BD diet did not work this time around.

[mahhhty]

lost18,
When I first joined the board I read your entire story and I think you are doing great. You are focusing on a lot of good things, and definitely have identified some 180s (you were negative and then you wrote a list of positives). I've done something similar, where I wanted to walk away from the situation knowing that I did everything I could, and it seems to me that is exactly what you are doing!