"Okay. It sure would help if you would tell the complete facts at the time. Unless I missed it, I don't recall you telling that last part, so how could we know? So anyway..."
sandi, the reason she doesnt is because it would force her to take responsibility for her contribution to the situation. the majority of MMs posts lack important details that change the perspective drastically, its a form of manipulation/control my x uses also. when reading her posts theres always this nagging feeling something just isnt right, something is missing. its only later when questioned that further details emerge and you get that Aha moment, when it all makes sense.
"You are right in not doing the responding for him,"
and this depends on her role in the business. If her role is more of the office manager/secretary, and she manages the email account, (regardless whose name is on the email) then its her responsibility to respond as this is a Work party.
for them to respond separately to a work party would look unprofessional and ridiculous considering there's only 2 of them.
"I sent him a copy of the invite for him to respond for himself ages ago" - showing until this point she had managed the emails and responding to invites. but she's changing the roles without notifying him which explains his expectations and confusion.
if she's changing the roles, and refusing to respond on his behalf, then she has to clearly explain this to him, she shouldnt do it passive-aggressively by waiting until the last minute and then give half-assed answers to him as she's doing now.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
sandi, the reason she doesnt is because it would force her to take responsibility for her contribution to the situation. the majority of MMs posts lack important details that change the perspective drastically, its a form of manipulation/control my x uses also. when reading her posts theres always this nagging feeling something just isnt right, something is missing. its only later when questioned that further details emerge and you get that Aha moment, when it all makes sense.
AMEN.
Quote:
Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: Chapter: How It Works
MM, you gotta want this freedom so much that you are WILLING to BE RIGOROUSLY HONEST with yourself and others. I'm not sure you want it that badly...yet.
Last edited by LoisB; 07/27/1401:20 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
sandi, the reason she doesnt is because it would force her to take responsibility for her contribution to the situation. the majority of MMs posts lack important details that change the perspective drastically, its a form of manipulation/control my x uses also. when reading her posts theres always this nagging feeling something just isnt right, something is missing. its only later when questioned that further details emerge and you get that Aha moment, when it all makes sense.
AMEN.
Quote:
Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: Chapter: How It Works
MM, you gotta want this freedom so much that you are WILLING to BE RIGOROUSLY HONEST with yourself and others. I'm not sure you want it that badly...yet.
WOW... Im not sure I understand... I am honest. Not posting about that seemed pointless, as I wasn't sure I was going & it seemed irrelevant (at the time). It is not done to mislead anyone or to be irresponsible. We typically do not get email invites to parties, therefore I was not changing up the roles.
I feel I am very honest. Brutally honest, so that I can get the help I need ... fast... otherwise, its pointless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The party: I showed up and a small group of people were talking when I arrived. He was in that circle. He asked if I would like a beer. I said sure. It was an interesting venue with a lake. I was curious to see the property & asked if he would like to join me outside for a walk. He said sure. While outside we casually chatted about the property. We then sat outside for awhile too. He stated that this was an "Old people party" and that I looked nice or the hottest (can't recall exactly). I thanked him for the compliment. He said don't take it too seriously and look around (old people). He spoke of his Mom & how caring for her is tough & he is not a caregiver. He spoke about the new car we purchased my DD. He then mentioned he would be leaving around 9pm. When we went inside, some old acquaintances had arrived & began chatting with us. He seemed to be making an effort to include me in the comments about "our" work, "our" business, etc. They started assuming we were still a couple & they were reminiscing of a time we spent away one weekend. It seemed as though several of the party members were playing darts. The one girl asked us to play. I was sure he would use this as an opportune time to exit, but looked at me and said "sure". During this time, he asked if I would share a beer with him, I said "sure". We played a game of darts & we were a team. It was fun. This couple made comments of how nice it was that we were still together, and asked how long.. he said "20 years at least", etc. I was the better player of the 4 of us & was being asked how to play, etc. It was now 11pm, cake time. He used this time to exit. It was a quick bye & he left using the excuse of needing to go feed his mom. About a half hour later. I left too. I didn't really know anyone else to talk too.
Came back, watched TV with DD....this was nice.
I think the party went well. We did not talk about "work" which we don't get to do often, and we also had an opportunity to "play" and we don't do that either. I am unsure why he let that couple think we were still together. Maybe I should have stated, no... we are separated....??? We do this with customers too, as its easier to carry on than to stop and explain. Maybe he was doing this.
I realize this event was just a work thing... I would love to think it was something more than it is... but, it is not.
Carry on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today: taking my daughter to get her hair cut/coloured.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
So mm you spent the whole time hanging with mr mm? Acting couple like, mmmmm looks like he knows your an easy mark.
I was at a funeral last week with h and his family, I spoke to every one but him. He knows the onus is on him for him to open any doors. I did not hang out nor focus overly n him, I found I was internally happy and comfident, the inlaws behaving queer did not effect me in any way. Apart from being mildly amuse at their crazy.
It's been 2 years but he and you have reasons why the $ cant be separated. If it was a divorce in Australia, your time would be up, simple, you would forfeit everything. They set time limits to stop this sort of toing and froing.
He wanted it, you need to make it happen faster. Men see $ as control in way, he provides he controls b and you defer, in a wifely way. It's a dance you cannot see. Make him live his choices.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
He stated that this was an "Old people party" and that I looked nice or the hottest (can't recall exactly). I thanked him for the compliment. He said don't take it too seriously and look around (old people).
This was not really a compliment. And he told you that.
You are still defining your self, and your life around him. And countless people have tried countless ways to help you see this.
I feel I am very honest. Brutally honest, so that I can get the help I need ... fast... otherwise, its pointless.
I don't believe you want help MM. I believe this ongoing drama serves you.
Maybe I have the wrong take on you, and on DB in general. As I understand it we almost all come here for "help" with our M. We think the tools given here will "fix" the M. Then, we realize, we really need "help" for ourselves, that the only "fixing" we can ever do is internal.
Amazingly patient and kind people have tried to show you what the steps are but you seem to smile and nod... then go ask the next person... to get the same answer. And repeat.
MM, take care of yourself. Respect yourself. You deserve more than the crumbs you are making a feast of.
Peace,
~ Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I know his style of compliment, it was a small one... but, still one. He was still trying to focus on the fact that it was an "old people party". He didn't need to say anything.
I did what I did & I am fine with the outcome of the party. There really wasn't many people to talk with & we were "adopted/consumed" by this other couple, to which we ended up playing darts with. It was him who "acted" couple like... not me. I was fun, happy & involved in darts...I wasn't trying to have convos with him or hang off him, etc. He offered the beer, etc. He allowed them to think we were still a couple, etc.
I had intentions of socializing with our friends son and other employees...but they didn't arrive. I am an outgoing person and know how to socialize. There were 3 groups of tables (all seats taken). The kids, the dart players, and our table..... so, we eventually joined in the dart games too.
The fixing is internal Jaye... and I have been doing my best.
It doesn't really matter what happened at the party.. its more about how I feel after the party.... and I was OK. It was just a party. I didn't attach meaning to anything.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
