My hope is that this thread will have even more introspection, realizations, and self-improvement than the previous one. This is a process. I'm determined to learn all I can and make the most of it.
Today's goals: - get some work done - get out for a walk or a run - talk to a friend - meditate
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I believe threads get locked around the 100 post mark.
I find the daily goals helpful to give me some direction. Writing them down is a good reminder of what I want to accomplish and they help to focus me a bit more (I don't have much in the way of focus these days).
Keep on keeping on indeed - to you too, ss!
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
It's helpful to notify the mod (notify button at bottom of post pane) to lock the thread. Then you won't have 2 threads open and people posting to both.
Last edited by labug; 07/25/1405:44 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Today I learned that I can successfully drive a car and cry at the same time. This is not something that I really needed to know about myself, but there it is.
A song came on in shuffle that I wasn't expecting because I forgot it was on my phone. It has some meaning for us, and it was hard to hear.
On top of that, I'd been out running errands and I was already sad and angry that H. wasn't here with me. Not that he has to be around all the time, but I was shopping for cutlery and towels and it was the kind of thing that it just felt like he should have been there for. We would have laughed at the ugly cutlery and joked about the colour of towels. Instead, I was out there looking alone and not wanting to make an individual choice about something that was supposed to be for both of us.
I'm just deeply angry that he's stepped out of the relationship and that he's got excuse after excuse for not putting any effort back in now. Today's tears had nothing to do with blame, which is pretty new for me. They just had a lot to do with anger and frustration with someone who I still care a great deal about.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
That's good and healthy. Sometimes it takes us a little while to get through the pile. But I'm so happy to see the way you've switched gears in the last few weeks. You sound stronger and wiser.
Toast #2: What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I’ve read a few posts on other threads tonight about things like validating and accepting responsibility, and wanted to think through some things over here. In particular, I read Claire’s post that said:
“I would absolutely encourage anyone who is looking to save their marriage to learn to STFU and LISTEN with an open mind and validate the OTHER person's p.o.v.”
I’ll readily admit that I haven’t always been so good about this. I was pretty defensive at first because I saw a lot of my own unacknowledged issues and hurts reflected in what H. was telling me. It felt really, really unfair. There are still times I feel defensive, because I feel like those same issues are still here and H. still hasn’t heard them.
But the truth is that only one of us is stepping up to try to save the marriage right now, and so it falls to me to try to fix things. And to fix things, I have to actually hear the issues, validate H.’s point of view, and then perhaps make some changes in areas that I think will be worthwhile and effective (this is not an open invitation to martyr myself – just a starting point to hopefully generate enough stability that we can start to fix things on both sides).
Clearly there are ways that I’ve contributed to the problems in our marriage. I feel like recently I’ve been validating and taking more responsibility for those contributions. But here’s the rub: I’m not sure it’s helping, so I'm trying to think about things a bit differently.
First, much of the validating I’ve done has been verbal which, while better than nothing, doesn’t actually show change. In addition, it’s also been challenging to validate H. because almost all of our relationship talk happens in counseling. When we do talk about his issues I validate his experience as much as I can – I really do think I’ve been better about doing this. So far so good, right?
The problem is that as soon as we get to me – which we usually do, because after the individual sessions the counselor knows that I have my own complaints – it undoes all of the validating. The fact that I talk about my issues leaves H. feeling like I haven’t actually heard or recognized his concerns, and he gets frustrated and really angry. So, the validating and taking responsibility don’t really seem to work so well at the end of the day.
I’m going to keep validating, but I think I need to take responsibility for these issues in a more concrete way if I want to have any kind of meaningful effect. So, I’ve started a list of things that I’m responsible for that contributed to the issues in our marriage. Starting with identifying and owning them, I’m then going to give some thought to what I can do differently going forward to show that I recognize my contributions and that change can happen (I’m thinking 180s).
Here’s what I’ve got so far in terms of my contributions to the issues in our relationship (I’ll add more as they come to me):
- not taking H.’s issues more seriously when he first brought them up - not going to the doctor sooner to try to fix the hormone problem - withdrawing from the relationship - not trying to talk to H. more or differently about what I needed and wanted - not making our marriage enough of a priority compared to other things in my life - focusing too much on work (and finances too, I suppose) and letting it increase my anxiety - depending too much on H. to help me manage my anxiety and my work - not giving him the same level of emotional caregiving that he was giving to me - not giving him the same level of physical touch that he was giving to me - treating H. like a dependent rather than a partner - taking on too much responsibility (control?) and taking it away from H.
I want to sit on these ideas for now. This isn’t about blame (despite the fact that I’ve been doing a whole lot of that recently). It’s about taking stock of where we are right now, figuring out what went wrong and how I played into it, and giving some thought to what could and should change moving forward.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Journaling: just had a rough moment. I logged into Facebook before bed tonight (always a mistake) to find that a friend of mine is moving to the city that I'm from because she's accepted a new job.
A job that would have been perfect for me.
A job that I suspect that I missed seeing the ad for because I've spent the last few months dealing with relationship stuff rather than focused on my career.
I'm annoyed at H. for the distraction. But I'm a lot more annoyed at me right now for buying into it and not taking care of other important things.
I need to get my life together in more ways than just the marriage. I need to detach and take care of other things. I won't let the rest of my life suffer because of what's going on with H. I need to be on top of things. My GALs must include being more proactive about job searching and applications. This is part of getting to a better version of me. This is a big kick in the pants.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
