GB/Maybell - yes, there is legal separation. It's exactly the same process as divorce, but you just check a different box on the form, and you're still technically married at the end but all the assets/debts/child cusotdy/etc. are laid out like divorce. It would take a lot of paperwork, $, and time, samea s a divorce (filing, establishing the whole settlement agreement, refinancing of the house to just be in his name, etc.) For that reason there's not much point to doing it unless you need to remain married for insurance reasons, or have a religious objection to actually being divorced.
This "limbo" is not great for finances, I agree. But I don't want to push him into feeling like he needs to file for D to protect himself, either. Some kind of postnup might be the way to go if needed, specifically for this loan.
If I could buy a car upfront I would! I only have $4,000 saved right now, though ('cause six months ago I had no idea I'd need to be getting a car.. and then I had to put a security deposit down on an apartment, get furniture, etc.) and it's not likely to get me something reliable enough that I can count on. If he does dig his heels in I'll have to decide: do I respect what he thinks and not do it? Or just do it anyway knowing it's not helping our M?
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Thanks for the clarification. You seem like a wonderful, smart, funny, thoughtful lady. You give great advice and it's been nice reading your posts. They are so reflective and thoughtful. . I'm going to say something that may sound harsh. I don't say it to be hurtful, however it's something I've noticed. And I may be 2x4d...... It's just something I notice.
Every decision you make you bring up "what if we reconcile?" It's fine to have hope and only you can decide when that piece doesn't factor into your decision making. However, I know it can be difficult not to factor that into your thought process. At some point, you may just focus on what you want. New car? Cat? If getting a new car is a *reason* not to R then there were going to be other reasons. You can still do what you need and want to do AND reconcile. However, at this point you do need to focus on what does KGirl need? What does KGirl want? I don't advocate doing something that goes against your moral barometer or that you feel would make R difficult for you. However, take h out of the equation as much as possible. It does sound as if he is focusing on him (be it superficially or not) and you should make life wonderful for you. Does that make sense?
Again, I hope that didn't sound terrible. Hope you have a good day:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/25/1403:11 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
GB - thank you, I definitely see where you are coming from. If I was taking that piece of it out of the equation then yes, I'd just take out the loan, but still listen to any suggestions he had and try to be respectful of the fact that it would currently be his debt, too, because that's just the right thing to do in general. I want a car that is actually MINE, that I can be proud to drive, and that isn't going to require a ton of maintenance (the car I'm borrowing from my parents is 13 years old with 180,000 miles and rusting out.) And honestly I think having that one car to share did not help our situation at all. If only I didn't need a loan, this would be much easier An option I hadn't thought of until just now was maybe seeing if my parents could loan me enough money to pay for it outright. I'd get the car I want, H wouldn't have a debt that's potentially his. I'll look into it.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
... I took today off, so not a great way to start the day! But I'm going to finish getting dressed, go out to lunch, come back and wait for my new couch to be delivered, and then meeting some friends for coffee to discuss a possible weekend getaway. And maybe I'll look at cats online too
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Just another point, this only becomes a problem is you D, right? If you've decided that it is your debt and will always be your debt and he doesn't have to sign for anything, there is no problem.
Am I seeing this clearly?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Well, from H's perspective it's problematic because even before D he could still be on the hook for it. For example, if I take out this individual loan, can't make the payments/default on it, they will come after him for payments because he's my spouse, even though his name isn't on the loan. I'm not sure why he's concerned about that because I've never not made a payment on something and have excellent credit. At D we could at least put it in writing that it's solely mine but he's still concerned about that because legally it should be split (ifwe actually had a trial/adverserial D) so we'd have to mutually agree it's solely mine (which we do right now via email... but he says that's not really "official.") Does that make sense or clarify things? In theory it's not a problem providing we both trust each other in agreeing it will be solely my debt and that I'll pay it back appropriately.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
When I spell it out... really these are all H's problems and concerns. None of them negatively affect me. Granted, I'm not going to be a complete jerk and just ignore them/blow through tons of money, but if he is concerned about my follow-through or the legality of things, then it's really on him to figure out what to do and implement it. So, I should stop worrying about it
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
An option I hadn't thought of until just now was maybe seeing if my parents could loan me enough money to pay for it outright. I'd get the car I want, H wouldn't have a debt that's potentially his. I'll look into it.