“overfunctioning is really a control issue” “and it all boiled down to us thinking that we can fix things for others.”
Sorry for pulling quotes out of context. This is what I came to understand as rescuing as it relates to the drama (victim) triangle. As a person with this as a primary response I find myself fighting the tendency to rush in, seize control and fix it daily.
It is the culture I was raised in. It is what I was trained to do. It is a component of the daily work that puts bread in my jar and on the table. People bring me product problems (we call them issues) and I provide advice and documentation to fix them.
In my personal life the people around me are so used to JS stepping in and taking care of it that when I validate and express empathy for how they perceive the problem they are confused. Sometimes disappointed and frustrated that I don’t do more.
Perhaps I have allowed the pendulum to swing to far the other way and need to find a better balance point. At this stage in my healing I refuse to dance upon the triangle.
To my addled thinking: Rescuing promotes control, b/c if I can control it I don’t then need to expend more energy to rescue. Control promotes dependency b/c JS will just take care of it. Dependency promotes abuse b/c why should I have to fix it yet again without recompense of some sort.
So I don’t and in some people’s eyes my value is less b/c I won’t solve their problem and require them to take responsibility for it themselves. This and unspoken unrealized expectations are a couple of the pillars my divorce was built upon.
I apologize for my rant and I will not fail to post this one.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I think we live in the age of hyper-parenting where every child must be busy 24 hours per day. We must provide them with every experience or they'll fall behind or...maybe, feel less than someone else! If they haven't been to Disney World by the time they are five they're scarred for life. There's so much stress put on parents to make sure their kids are "active" and that they, God forbid, never experience boredom! The pendulum has swung too far. I also think we who have experienced divorce feel guilty and want to make up to our kids for what has been inflicted upon them (not necessarily a bad thing to do!). Also divorce made us feel helpless. For many of us our spouses decided the marriage was toast and no matter what we did to address issues etc. it made no difference. We maybe over compensate by trying to control our kids lives. I dunno, just thinking out loud here.
I am really glad that my kids aren't into sports. I know that sounds strange but all the practices and games would have been crazy, especially with it just being me. My kids are into music and art and foreign languages.
I haven't pushed them to be overly involved but if they find something they love, go for it. I think doing things in school helps you enjoy it more.
I can't afford to be a good time mom. I figure I am the reality parent. When we go out it is more special. Maybe I am getting to where I need to be.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yesterday D20 cleaned our fridge and today D20 and D17 did the dishes, cleaned their room, vacuumed the apartment and are presently doing their laundry...and it being Sabbath, I did absolutely nothing!
We did a surprise birthday lunch for my dad. He turns 70 on Tuesday, I turn 50 next Sunday. Where has the time flown? Anyway, no house work was done here either. You can send your girls down anytime. Lol
Enjoy your daughters. They are so sweet.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Happy birthday to Dad This afternoon the girls and I are going to Oshawa to the Adventist bookstore to buy vegetarian food, they have a section for that...if the girls are ever ready, of course!
D20 and I went to an outdoor concert again last night. Every Thursday now we seem to be going together to these concerts. It's a nice night out together. D17 and I went to the park together the previous evening. I'm starting to look at dating again...yuck! I'm actually feeling a bit lonely. It's been about a year since I ended things with SDA Lady for good. I miss having someone around who actually gives a crap about my day and wants to share hers. I miss holding someone's hand and going for walks. I miss going to dinner with another human being lol. I miss...you know what too. I've been scanning the dating sites periodically just to see who's out there. I'm just not sure I want to start a process that would demand large chunks of my time and energy. I like doing what I want when I want and not worrying about pleasing someone else or meeting their needs ( I tend to forget about my own needs in my campaign to not be rejected by the object of my desire lol) I did come across a lady who loves photography, which is my latest year long obsession, unfortunately, I've already met her in my last search for love. In my last round of meeting women I learned not to give second chances, when someone deals with you in a way that does not impress you, move on. I told my best friend this in regards to a woman he was dating recently. I told him that the stuff he's seeing right now, at the beginning, is exactly who that person is and it is unlikely to change...so move on. Turns out she was way too not ready and the relationship just died out. Anyway, I'm just pondering...but it would be so nice to have a lady to do things with in the summer. I miss that. That said, I'm still OK with being me and doing what I like to do. Taking care of me has to be job 1...and stay that way, whether in or out of a relationship. That's my work to do and that's a tough assignment to take on.
Well, I dipped into the online dating pool. I baited my hook and landed my fishy (she liked photography...that's all I need!). We messaged for two days, it was going text book, I asked for the (drumroll, please) coffee meet...and haven't heard from her since. Maybe I should have offered tea. Are we having fun yet?
I'm just not sure I want to start a process that would demand large chunks of my time and energy. I like doing what I want when I want and not worrying about pleasing someone else or meeting their needs
Wow. Sounds like an awesome one sided relationship you're looking for. Good luck with that.
Lol ss06. My past R's have been pretty one sided...and it wasn't my side! So part of my struggle in any new R will be to find a balance. This past year is the first time I've just done what I want when I want. There's something to be said for it, but it can get kind of lonely too. But the online cesspool can be pretty exhausting and you have to remember that nobody gives a crap about your feelings, they're all too busy protecting their own vulnerabilities. Fun wow lol!
