Just wanted to say that after YET ANOTHER STINKING MELTDOWN I went back to DR.
I'm not going to ask about selling the house. I don't need to take on another life-changing event at this time and he has said we don't need to think about it till it's clear we need to divorce.
I have set a date on my calendar for three weeks in the future when I may contact him for something not related to kids or finances. That something MUST be light and impersonal, like a joke, a review to something I think he would like, or an article.
When I see him in between I will be cheerful and reasonably warm but not eager. I will follow DR principles and I will go back to DR whenever I start falling apart.
A friend asked me the other night if H had been depressed. I will read the chapter about depression in DR and see what suggestions that has.
What am I missing?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm sorry about the meltdown, but it sounds like you're on top of things. I think setting a date in the future is a good idea - it's a good period of time, but it also takes some of the pressure off you since there's a specific time to get in touch.
Good decision on the house, too - that's a major life event, and a lot to deal with, and you already have quite a bit on your plate. I'd say keep looking forward and considering your options (I've found this rather helpful in terms of envisioning where I could be and where I want to be), but keep sitting on them for now.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Just read MLP's words and I'm pasting them here as a reminder for when I go back through my thread:
What's the worst that could happen.
Seriously - take a look at that.
She's gone. She's actually BEEN gone. So your journey through hell started 4 months ago.
Truly this is an opportunity.
What was the quote that you gave me the other day? When you go through hell, keep going.
What's the worst that could happen? Well - the worst that could happen is that you guys would get a divorce...that's probably how you feel right now.
But then again - you didn't want the marriage that you've had for the last four months anyway.
What's the best that could happen? You could become a stronger, better version of you. You could become a man that she'd be a fool to leave. You could become someone who will be happy and a great dad no matter what the outcome is.
When you go through hell, keep going.
Sounds like you've got a blister on your foot in your marathon, Dawgy...and that [censored]. But - you can do this. You really need to do this for your boys. The time to start becoming the better version of you is right now.
Just do it.
OK, the worst that can happen is that we actually end up divorced. He's already gone. I just haven't had to separate the finances or the stuff, and I haven't had to deal with the house. And I miss him.
Well, I can just move out and ask the L to assign the house to him, with the argument that we closed on it while he was in an active affair that he was keeping from me. That doesn't have to be my problem.
We've already separated a lot of our stuff and he doesn't want to deal with it. I'm dumping it in his office as I go through making the house what I want it to be so even that work is kind of doing itself. The worst will be the Christmas stuff. Well, I can deal with that when I get to it.
The finances almost certainly won't be as bad as I'm afraid of, and I know how to get help.
Even if we're divorced, we have three young kids together. We'll be actively co-parenting for the next twelve years, minimum. The relationship won't be final, and actually could improve from where it was before and where it is now. Nothing to fear there. And I will have the opportunity to make my life what I want of it.
Pep talk done. But I'm going to set myself a weekly calendar item reminding myself to think through the worst that could happen, and that the worst, essentially, already has happened, and I may be crying but I'm still strong.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
And if you don't feel like talking to him in three weeks...don't.
My IC keeps reminding me that these deadlines are arbitrary. So - trust your gut when you get there. Don't feel like it. Fine. Comes a little sooner than then? Also fine.
I had a pretty profound IC meeting today - haha....Please allow me to share what I learned!
MLP, I set the date as a "no sooner than" because I've sent unsolicited text messages about my own stuff, that was serious, twice this week. What worked was going dim while he was traveling and even some after. Setting the calendar item is a reminder to me to let some time pass so we both actually have the space we want. If he wants less and contacts me, that's fine. But I can't initiate anything before then.
If you have any more IC insights I'm clearly in need.
Thanks!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Just read MLP's words and I'm pasting them here as a reminder for when I go back through my thread:
What's the worst that could happen.
Seriously - take a look at that.
She's gone. She's actually BEEN gone. So your journey through hell started 4 months ago.
Truly this is an opportunity.
What was the quote that you gave me the other day? When you go through hell, keep going.
What's the worst that could happen? Well - the worst that could happen is that you guys would get a divorce...that's probably how you feel right now.
But then again - you didn't want the marriage that you've had for the last four months anyway.
What's the best that could happen? You could become a stronger, better version of you. You could become a man that she'd be a fool to leave. You could become someone who will be happy and a great dad no matter what the outcome is.
When you go through hell, keep going.
Sounds like you've got a blister on your foot in your marathon, Dawgy...and that [censored]. But - you can do this. You really need to do this for your boys. The time to start becoming the better version of you is right now.
Just do it.
OK, the worst that can happen is that we actually end up divorced. He's already gone. I just haven't had to separate the finances or the stuff, and I haven't had to deal with the house. And I miss him.
Well, I can just move out and ask the L to assign the house to him, with the argument that we closed on it while he was in an active affair that he was keeping from me. That doesn't have to be my problem.
We've already separated a lot of our stuff and he doesn't want to deal with it. I'm dumping it in his office as I go through making the house what I want it to be so even that work is kind of doing itself. The worst will be the Christmas stuff. Well, I can deal with that when I get to it.
The finances almost certainly won't be as bad as I'm afraid of, and I know how to get help.
Even if we're divorced, we have three young kids together. We'll be actively co-parenting for the next twelve years, minimum. The relationship won't be final, and actually could improve from where it was before and where it is now. Nothing to fear there. And I will have the opportunity to make my life what I want of it.
Pep talk done. But I'm going to set myself a weekly calendar item reminding myself to think through the worst that could happen, and that the worst, essentially, already has happened, and I may be crying but I'm still strong.
That all looks like really wise and clear thinking there^^^ to me, Maybell. You make a good Mamabear.
Also, about 20% of divorced couples end up re-marrying, so you never know even if divorce does happen. And the overwhelming majority of those report that the marriage is MUCH better and stronger than it ever was before.
I'll try to catch up on your backstory when I get a chance; pretty slammed today and also trying to help a couple of other posters.
Excellent pep talk! I imagine it's a hard thing to acknowledge that he's already gone (I took in a deep breath when I read that, because it seems largely true for me, too), but this was really positive overall.
Keep doing what you're doing, and the rest will fall into place. You're strong and you're already making things happen in your own life.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Perfect, Labug. Thank you for thinking of. I'm keeping that, it's exactly where I've been going wrong.
Today I: took a salt bath, got a haircut, chatted (and listened) very openly with my brother, took a walk, and made myself an actual nutritious meal.
I don't know why I don't do most of those things every day.
Realized this is the second time in 11 years that I've been completely alone and not moving house. The first time was a couple of weeks ago when my H had the kids for the first time at his place. No wonder I've been so ungrounded.
Thank you for your wisdom and patience.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
H texted pics of the kids and I was able to be friendly. Go me!!!
FIL took phone from S8 twice to talk to me and I was able to be friendly and light. Go me!!
H chatted briefly and I offered dinner for their return evening, as he had done for me when I came home with the kids, and he said he might not be able to because of work (he'll have been gone a week by then) but specifically said that it wasn't because he didn't want to. And I was light and friendly and it was fine. Go me!!!
So, returning to my goals from DR today: 1. Have a fun interaction with H in the next month -- on his invitation. 2. Smile at him for no reason. Can do that Sunday. 3. Have a five minute conversation NOT about the kids or us or anything else, just light and friendly. Timeframe: Uncertain.
So. Day 1 of the next phase of strong Maybell. Go me!!!!
Now I'm off to GAL. Lovely evening, all!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It sounds like you had a good day, and you've got some great goals - specific, but also things that you have a great deal of control over, which is fantastic.
I know you've said that you feel like you're moving into another phase and that it's difficult, but you're off to a really strong start.
Hope you have a wonderful evening!
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Ladies night last night with friends who aren't the closest. One of them didn't even know about the separation. Turns out two of them were unicorns -- people who'd had affairs, left their husbands, and then come back, rebuilt the marriages, and gone on to have happy relationships. Both are more than ten years out from the separation and I've seen them as a couple in my own house! So... Reconciliation can work. It may have already worked more than once in your own circle. You just never know what others go through.
Interestingly, the one with the more severe situation said that although she was gone six months, she feels like she'd come back too soon. She'd left because she had her own garbage to work through and she came back because she missed her husband so much, but she wasn't done with her crap and it was really rocky for a while. He had done some affair busting but it appears that wasn't a factor for her. She just missed him. They didn't have kids at the time, now they have two. I asked if they were happy now and she said yes, but that other factors made their marriage challenging. But having gone through that they are more committed to figuring it out. Also, she repeatedly called herself "the bad person" in a way that was both light and honest, so she was taking responsibility for her behavior but not beating herself up about it.
You can't know what it meant to me to hear these two stories.
Also, during the evening I got a text from a friend that his (attractive male) cousin was in town and I should come down and have drinks with them. I met the cousin last fall at a dinner my husband didn't attend. It was nice to be remembered. Also sobering, because it was tempting to flirt and if I hadn't already been at the porch party I might have gone down and fed my ego. Note to self... My ego should be ok without that kind of temptation.
I can't say my life isn't interesting to me...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Wow. It sounds like your night was just what you needed! I love so many parts of your story...How great to have met people who'd repaired their marriages after affairs....How great to be remembered - and how really terrific of you to have the strength in yourself to say, "It's nice, but I don't need it."
Oh, and when he complimented me on the house I said I had hoped to do more but I was out with people so much that there was only so much I could fit in.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I feel good. It felt really good to hold his body properly, even just for a moment.
I'm starting to look at this just a bit differently. My minimum quality, worst case scenario goal is that we have a warm co-parenting relationship if we end up divorced. My D is moving into adolescence and her dad and I will need to be cooperative to help her navigate that, as well as my boys in their turn. So worst case scenario, I would like us to be close enough friends to do that.
My hope is that as our friendship grows warmer and we open to one another more, that we will rediscover that wavelength that made us so close. Even just that much would be more than we've had in years.
The next step after that is can't keep our hands off each other.
So. I had a goal of smiling warmly at him is week. Mission accomplished -- need to replace it we another goal. We tentatively agreed to have dinner later this week because we're both traveling next week and if we don't get the kids with him it will be two weeks before they see him again. So I need to make a goal for this week, but I'm not sure what it will be because I don't know if I will be included for dinner.
In the meantime, my goal for myself is to be more conscientious about treating myself healthfully by preparing actual meals with lots and lots of produce. Also, getting to yoga this coming week.
Last edited by Maybell; 07/27/1409:10 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
nice - especially the last part! Looks like the wheels are starting to turn in his head.
I wouldn't venture a guess that it means he's thinking of reconciling. I would need more experience than I have. But here's what I think is pretty much in the bank at this point. You cannot have clearer proof that should you remain separate, a civil, constructive and even warm relationship is perfectly attainable. You would be able to effectively co-parent with him, and do what's best for the kids.
Now if you stop and think about that: even if it's not the dream scenario, wouldn't it be an amazing achievement? It would leave plenty of room for you to build a happy life for yourself.
And consider this: in spite of what I've just said, the "dream" scenario is still possible.
I know you've been a bit ambivalent about what you really want for the future with him. But I just wanted to suggest that you sit back and enjoy this success. You've worked hard, and you're doing well. You absolutely will be ok no matter what. So if there's a bottle of wine or chocolate or ice cream lying around have a little treat. You've really earned this. You did it.
And tomorrow it all starts again, but you'll deal with it like you've done before, with grace and for the good of your family.
Well done!
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
Ha- my reply crossed yours, it's funny how we've read each other's minds! But you're more clever than I am; in your mind the acceptable scenario can set the stage for the dream scenario subsequently. Sounds like a good plan!
Last edited by Mat; 07/27/1409:13 PM.
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
While I know hope is the thing that keeps us going through all of this, I've cursed hope pretty regularly too, because it make expectations really hard to keep in check.
I'm so glad things seem to be going well and wouldn't generally suggest focusing on the negative, but could it be useful to think on some of the things that you're less than happy about and would want to deal with if you reconciled as way of tempering things a bit, at least for now?
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I think I may be somewhere in the neighborhood of that place Starsky(?) likes to promote of acknowledging your reality while retaining faith in victory. It's keeping the two in balance that's a challenge.
The emotion of the last week seems to have been released and I feel much better. It's interesting having seen him and hugged him today... There's a real bond there, at least on my side, like we fit, in spite of everything. There are certainly very serious issues to be resolved... Not least being my future trust in him. But there is a sense of rightness that makes it a little easier to be patient. I hope that's not self-delusion.
One question for vets... Proof that the OP is gone seems to be a necessary precursor to even dating (I'm thinking of Tarheel here). In my case, there is none H could provide. He deleted all her info in front of me last July. It's no big deal at all to get it back. So the gesture is meaningless.
After I found out this past May that he'd stayed in contact with her, I told him I wouldn't date him (dating while separated was his Plan A) while he was in contact with her, and then a couple of days later upped it to even being friends with him while he was in contact with her. A few days later he came by to discuss logistics and at the end said "And what about us?" I repeated the boundary and he said ok and left.
Fast forward to our lunch last week. I may be a fool, but given his tone, the timing of the statement, the fact he immediately followed it with a desire for more space, I'm inclined to believe him that she is no longer current. But I appreciate input in this area. I don't think he is able to give me proof that I would believe.
Side note... I'm not entirely convinced HE ended it... I have reason to think she did. Should that impact anything? I already have a long list of things that would have to happen to move us past co-parents. He will only move as fast as he's going to move. I'm probably borrowing trouble, right?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
On your side note, I think it is quite different than if he had decided to end it and focus on solving his own issues. But the fact that it has been thrust upon him is nonetheless helpful. DB techniques, especially LRT, rely to some extent on the spouse having some setbacks to realise that life isn't all peachy without the LBS. So if that just happened, and you are doing all the right things, you're still on-track aren't you?
It always helps to think of the worst-case scenario and see if you can deal with it. The first goal is to become functional co-parents that get along, and are friends. Even if he had got dumped AND is looking for someone new as we speak, that is still achievable. And once you've made it to that beachhead you can work on getting back together if you still feel like it at this point.
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
I think I may be somewhere in the neighborhood of that place Starsky(?) likes to promote of acknowledging your reality while retaining faith in victory. It's keeping the two in balance that's a challenge.
The emotion of the last week seems to have been released and I feel much better. It's interesting having seen him and hugged him today... There's a real bond there, at least on my side, like we fit, in spite of everything. There are certainly very serious issues to be resolved... Not least being my future trust in him. But there is a sense of rightness that makes it a little easier to be patient. I hope that's not self-delusion.
One question for vets... Proof that the OP is gone seems to be a necessary precursor to even dating (I'm thinking of Tarheel here). In my case, there is none H could provide. He deleted all her info in front of me last July. It's no big deal at all to get it back. So the gesture is meaningless.
After I found out this past May that he'd stayed in contact with her, I told him I wouldn't date him (dating while separated was his Plan A) while he was in contact with her, and then a couple of days later upped it to even being friends with him while he was in contact with her. A few days later he came by to discuss logistics and at the end said "And what about us?" I repeated the boundary and he said ok and left.
Fast forward to our lunch last week. I may be a fool, but given his tone, the timing of the statement, the fact he immediately followed it with a desire for more space, I'm inclined to believe him that she is no longer current. But I appreciate input in this area. I don't think he is able to give me proof that I would believe.
Side note... I'm not entirely convinced HE ended it... I have reason to think she did. Should that impact anything? I already have a long list of things that would have to happen to move us past co-parents. He will only move as fast as he's going to move. I'm probably borrowing trouble, right?
Again, I would say, slow down, LFW! (laser-focus-woman)
Let all the "what if" scenarios go. You're going to have a R with this guy, despite your boundary, because he's the father of your kids. That's where you are right now, today.
Enjoy what's going on right now. As for hope, sometimes it clouds the good of the now and makes us want something better, something more, something different. (I know, not quite what most people here espouse but it works for me)
Keep in mind that you're already a success story no matter what your H does or doesn't do.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks, labug. Sometimes I think I'm being healthy by feeling confident that I have my contingencies planned out and I forget that today is darned good. guess I need to go back to Tiny Buddha again.
I hope you are doing all right.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Today was good. Really good. It was great to have my kids back. I said yes to all kinds of things we enjoyed one another's company and got things done and it was all very relaxed and happy. I got a ton of hugs and stories about their trip.
IC found the friendliness of H's family to me on the phone very interesting. He said that suggested to him that H had said he hoped things would work out but that I was very angry and he wasn't sure I wanted to. He said also the long email response to my two-line text suggested H wants to be closer also.
So far as H knows I'm still pursuing the separation and D. Neither of us has brought it up since I paid the retainer. So IC could be right. Or there could be several other explanations for those things.
We talked again about H mirroring me and the thin line between mirroring and pursuing.
Not much contact today. He did say he was having dinner with people from work.
Sometimes I wonder... What if both spouses had got themselves into such a pickle that they each came here independently, and both got the advice to give the other space? How would that play out?
Not that I think H would EVER post to a forum. It's just a thought.
I'll be sending prayers for all of you tonight. This is a community I never expected to be part of that has become important to me. I value all the different personalities I've encountered here, which has made me more patient with the ones I encounter in real life. The compassion, patience, and generosity shared by this community of strangers is so humbling. Thank you.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell - I'm so glad that you've had a good day today.
Prayers are appreciated - I'll take any intervention I can get at this point - and your sentiments about the value of this community mirror my own. I'm floored that there are so many kind, supportive people out there willing to help each other through a really difficult time.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Weird, incredibly vivid dreams about H last night. I haven't had dreams like that in months. They have me anxious and confused. One showed him having a one night stand with another woman. One showed him sobbing with remorse. One showed me absolutely divorcing him. I feel almost like BD again.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Ok, labug, if I weren't being laser focus woman, what would I be doing?
Today D11 and I are going to work more on the kitchen. I have a cool project to do for a friend. I'll be reading to my kids and taking them to a lesson today. Laundry and getting ready for one last trip. This hole in my heart left by those really vivid dreams will be filled with life.
And then I saw the discussion of rings on dawgy's thread and remembered IC saying that vulnerability draws people in. My engagement ring came to mind. H noticed I wasn't wearing it but neither of us mentioned it. No rush. I won't be seeing H before Thursday at the earliest.
And I repeat, what does NOT laser focus woman do?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, does "not-laser-focus" woman just live in the moment? Decide that whatever happens (or doesn't happen) will be ok? Maybe she tries to be mindful of when she is being laser-focused and then tries to step back from that?
(Oh, and when you have a moment: What does trying-to-not-procrastinate girl over here do??)
IC noted yesterday that working with me is interesting because I'm split in two between wanting to be freer and bolder and wanting my H back because he's comfortable and familiar.
The longer we're apart the more I feel able to remember who he is as an individual. It's like someone has set a very slow reset button on my ability to see him as an individual and not just my husband.
As a person I'm anxious to get to know him, like a teenager with a crush. Thinking of him returning to the house, though, scares the day lights out of me, as I don't know what I'm like in a relationship anymore.
This isn't a problem I'm trying to solve with laser focus. It's an observation of how much my life & thinking have changed in only three months.
I hope I get the chance to start dating him again. I would like to know who he has become. I hope it's someone good.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
IC said yesterday he thought H's family was so friendly to me last week because H said he didn't know what would happen but hoped we would work it out (IC added "but she's so angry with me I don't know if we will or not). That's got me spun out.
IC says to be attractive I have to be willing to be vulnerable. I heard it here, too, when someone -- 25? Labug? -- said you have to act like the OW and be enticing. I've been pretty thorough about guarding my heart again, is it time to risk a little?
Crazy vivid dreams this morning have got me spun out. I am afraid of what they mean.
I asked him a question this morning by text and we both kind of dragged it out saying nothing and finally I said "I wish at some point we could find something to talk about other than them" and he said "we will, I'm sure." That's got me spun out.
He tried to chat with me today when he called to talk to the kids and I couldn't figure out how to with him and so I'm kicking myself for wasted opportunity. I don't know why I get so tongue-tied with him. It's got me spun out. (opposite of helpful)
He's traveling AGAIN this week and next so we won't see him I'm spun out. I really hate that job.
This afternoon I recognized that if I want to talk to him about something other than kids I'm going to have to start broadening my horizons a lot.
There's a guitar player at a bar nearby the next time we're both in town and I'd like to invite him to go hear the guy. I think he'd enjoy it, and it's a really small setting so the guy shares some of his techniques, etc., if the audience acts interested. But I'm worried that's pursuing. On the other hand, I know he doesn't know the musician and it's something to get us talking again.
I know my goals said don't talk for a few weeks. But he's engaging some. I won't see him at all for two weeks. I don't have to invite till I get back from my trip. Am I on the right track or should I continue to retreat?
Last edited by Maybell; 07/29/1409:35 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think I may find a way to ask him to join me to hear the musician. It would be unexpected. And if I wait till a couple of days before then it will be including him with little pressure and not too many days ahead of my calendar end date.
I've been reading all the validation/defusing stories today and it strikes me how little opportunity I've had to do that myself. We've had no real conflicts. I know why he moved out... But given that our most recent interactions have been marked by friendliness on his part then I have to think my IC might be right and it is on me to make them warmer.
I put my engagement ring back on.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Let me know how it goes, because my problem is continuing to have no expectations. He will retreat or go into business-mode right after I feel like he's opened up a bit. That, plus feeling like why the he!! should I pursue him at all, make me realllly hesitant to try anything.
Well, I've been stuck in that whole he should pursue me thing too.
There's a lot of ego in that position.
He has been enough himself that all the stuff I was so mad about before is in the past. When I see what I've been like, how I act when I'm hurt, well, maybe I need to make some big adjustments too.
His & my communication skills are pretty poor. Terrible, in fact. Our arguing skills consisted of not saying "always" or "never" and both of us apologizing before we went to bed. We have zero skill at sorting out a mutually acceptable solution. I was raised by a mom who believes women should always yield to men and the breadwinner is always right. I followed her example without really believing in it, which bred a lot of resentment. Add a nice strong tendency to control. Doesn't that sound like a fun marriage??
So, yeah, I think perhaps a little *flattering* pursuit might yield an enjoyable result.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I took Wonka's advice to MDU today and sent H a text wishing him a good day and safe travels. He replied in a friendly tone and asked if everything was ok. I remembered what my IC said about being vulnerable so I mentioned that D11 and I would be working on our house project. Two-three more lines chatting about project and then I wished him safe travels again and signed off.
This afternoon he texted only D11 to say hi to all of us.
I feel confused.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think it was brave of you to reach out. Now if only someone would invent a crystal ball we wouldn't have to have all this risk-taking and uncertainty.
Worst case? You get a negative response (different from neutral) and pull back, right?
I think taking it slow is on the right track. Rooting for you!
Hi Maybell - I'm just catching up now, but I'd give your new approach a bit more time. Don't go overboard with contact or vulnerability, of course, but work a bit more of it in and see what happens. If it doesn't work out, you can always take a step back, but if it works, that's another step forward. You're doing great!
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Definitely not sooner since I have kid contact Friday-Saturday.
I guess nobody has a crystal ball. but I didn't want to keep up with the big distance act since he seemed to want to overcome it.
His Netflix history is guys with bigger-than-life lives and a documentary about a guy worried about the size of his penis. So it must not be all about me.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
So no texting good morning. And I'm on the fence about inviting him out to see the musician because he will only have been back in town two days before I could ask.
I may lose him just to sheer physical unavailability.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I laughed at your analysis of his Netlix history - nice!
In terms of contact, I'd say don't get in touch the first moment that you can, which might look like pursuing, but you can probably move it up a bit from where you might have left it before. So if you could be in contact Sunday, Monday is probably fine, maybe a bit later in the day.
It could also be an idea to have a bit of an excuse, like being busy with something or other. That way it seems like you're GAL, which is good, but also helps to explain that it's not that you're ignoring him, you just have things to do and are an awesome, in demand woman.
Do you think there's any way that the physical unavailability could possibly work in your favour, perhaps in an absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of way? Could you use it as an excuse to catch up or get together when he gets back, and use the time in between as a way to limit contact, but in a way that's easily understandable due to the distance?
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Yes, I'll use the travel as a way to go dim. Tricky with the kids but possible.
Feeling sad this morning. Can't get back to sleep. My mom wants me to hurry up and file, keeps insisting "I'm going to have to go through this" and that I'll be happy on the other side. Forgets who she's talking to and goes off on rants about how he's never been there for me and I deserve better after all I've done for him. I don't quite see it in those terms anymore and I wish I hadn't told her so much. But she really just has all the facts, I haven't spent time complaining about all the details. She fills in the story with my unhappiness and her imagining. She'll be where I'm going this weekend and I feel like I have to defend my choices. I'm frustrated with myself for all that part.
I want my husband back. He doesn't have to come home yet... I just want to feel like we're rebuilding. I know... It takes time. And patience.
D said H got frustrated and angry several times while they were on their trip last week. That's not like him to show it to her. I guess I shielded the kids from it some? Because I could always tell. But she was surprised. I hope it's a good thing, it means he's learning to express himself more.
I'm so sick of all his travel. Really a lot. I feel like he has so little life of his own. Completely wrapped up in work and a run a couple of times a week. And my runs have dwindled back down to nothing and my anxiety is ratcheting back up and I miss him.
Could he possibly miss me or is he just so wrapped up in his job and his international travel that he's relieved to not have the responsibility of tending a relationship?
Last edited by Maybell; 07/31/1409:48 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
So I went back to reading labug's thread and hit a couple of pages that said this experience is an act of God same as a death would be, and then talking about surrender.
So I guess that's my practice for today. Surrendering to what is.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Trying to remember... It's just over three months since he stopped living here and two weeks before that he moved out of our bedroom, but he's only been in his apartment a month, and has only had the kids one weekend plus the family trip since he's been out. This is going to take time and I must be patient. I just hope he isn't really truly done.
Also have been thinking about how long he's been unhappy... A little more than three years. Possibly longer. We would go to the beach but his condition was kids couldn't get in the water or get too sandy. And I was dumb enough to go along with that. He wanted them to heel and be well-behaved all the time, freaked out when they acted zany. So impatient with them and with me when I got frustrated.
Yes, some/ a lot of that was me, but how much really? That's when he started losing his hair. (This doesn't impact my need to change). He used to criticize his brother for not being more adult, not settling down, getting married, etc. was VERY vocal about that. Now here he is separated. Not the life he imagined for himself.
Did I mention I miss him anyway? That I had forgotten his person-ness (and mine too I think) in too many moves and babies and work?
I wish things were better.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
So the last R talk we had at the beginning of June was when I told him I was going to pursue legal separation and divorce. This was in response to finding out he had never cut ties with OW as he promised. I also stopped wearing my engagement ring at that time, though left on my band since that was what we agreed to when he asked me to separate. I know he noticed.
On the other hand, I also have told him I'm asking friends to be friendly to him and that my hope is reconciliation. I've said that once since we had the D talk (in response to a question he asked me).
I have long since dropped my interest in the legal separation and divorce, but have never communicated that to him. I wasn't going to while he was in contact with OW and I certainly wasn't going to drop that on him at the lunch when he told me he wasn't "seeing" her anymore. I'm OK with the status quo of the separation at this time.
I think a lot of my angst this morning was lack of sleep and frustration that my mom is so anxious for me to move the legal stuff forward and I'm going to be seeing her the day after tomorrow.
I have really struggled to speak to him in a relaxed voice and to find topics for us to talk about that aren't the kids. Until the last couple of days I wasn't willing to share anything about my life, although he has asked several times. My IC thinks he thinks I'm too angry to be friendly and looking at my behavior, I'd say that if he does, he has reason.
I'm working to expand my horizons a little bit so we have more to talk about, to identify areas where I'm willing to be vulnerable with him, and to cultivate a PMA that I can sustain while he's in the room with me, and I think I did OK with that Sunday and also in my text yesterday. I did put my engagement ring back on, which felt right, though of course he won't see it for possibly as much as three weeks, and I intend to limit my contact with him during his travel.
I guess the question is, should I be concerned that he thinks I'm intending to divorce him, or should I let him think he could lose me?
Last edited by Maybell; 07/31/1412:46 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
You can't control what your h thinks. He will think whatever he thinks. Again, actions speak louder than words so I see no need to make any declarations of anything. Just my 2 cents.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Labug, what I mean is... I have lost the ability to talk to him in a relaxed way. I'm trying to beat down the defensiveness and fear that is blocking me from being natural with him. Every word we say to each other there are just "DANGER! DANGER!" signs screaming at me, and a cacophony of voices behind me screaming "Do this! Don't do that! Be guarded! Be real! Think of the kids! Why is he here? What does he want? What does this mean?" and subtext of our entire past, the people around both of us, my appearance, everything, it's all just weighing on me during the simplest interactions. I feel like if I could just release all that and -- yes -- relax, that it would make a difference at least to me.
I feel like I just got a glimpse of myself in the third person. Yikes.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
See maybell, when I have sat down with my h, it's was normal just like we were together.
I felt it he felt it, it's why I'm sure he keeps me at arms length. It's also the reason why I could not be a friend as is often talked about in db, I would come home and sob! I could not do it.
Not sure if it makes me weak or Just human.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I am drawn to your posts because you are SO honest and raw with your feelings. it is refreshing.. probably because I don't have that ability.
I want to say a couple of things to you.
In terms of your mother, I completely understand how frustrating it is when anyone who is a third-party to your relationship makes a comment. I have had to repeatedly tell my sister that she can either go along with how I I choose to act, or she and I can stop talking about my R altogether.
However, what I have realized in the time since my own BD is that people comment on what they *think* you should do, but not necessarily on what they would do.
For example, my father has repeatedly told me that "any decision is better than no decision" and that it's time to move on, etc. He's been saying that since about a week after the initial BD.
Now, the reason this is interesting is this: When I was approximately 5 years old, my mother had a PA. She told me dad after about six months, at which point he asked her to move out. They told us they were getting a D. We moved out with my mother for several months, but during this time my father decided to "stand" for the marriage. My mother didn't end the PA for quite some time, but eventually they reconciled and they're still together to this day.
So, as you can see, my father gives me advice that is extremely different to his own actions. Even more interesting, I only know about this entire set of circumstances from my mother. I do remember all this taking place, but my sister doesn't. My father has never spoken to me about it, even NOW when I am going through similar experiences of me own (although, no EA/PA in my relationship).
I guess my point is that I am sure your mother means well, but it seems to me that parents just want to do whatever they can to "fix" the pain their child is going through, and they give advice accordingly. It doesn't mean it's the right advice; and if it isn't what you need, I'd try to avoid it. I know I do.
On another note, I thought it might be interesting to you to hear about a relationship that is now going strong, despite months of turmoil. I know the situation is reversed.. as in, my mother had the PA, not my father.. but it goes to show that relationships CAN be salvaged.
Wow, Vossy, that is really helpful. Thank you a LOT.
I know my mom is extremely averse to any pain at all for any of her children. Sometimes to our extreme detriment -- for example, my brother has a terrible overbite from sucking his thumb, but she wasn't willing to get him the orthodontic treatment necessary to fix it because she didn't want him to hurt, and now to this day he can't eat a sandwich because his teeth don't meet properly.
That doesn't make it helpful when I'm all emotional and she's pulling out every scrap of evidence she's got from family members, etc., for why I need to get away from H. Because I can't remember that that's what she's like.
I need to write reminders on the insides of my wrists again. And figure out how to get noise-blocking headphones for the inside of my head.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Actually, JCred I will respectfully disagree. I think you should always be pleasant and take the high road. Honestly in some sitches doing so will make the WAS angry and in some the was will be receptive. In Maybell's sitch, it sounds like she and her h can be cordial so that has been established. Now it's time to test new topics of conversation. M
Not trying to be adversarial, however the way you communicate will not always dictate how someone responds.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Actually, JCred I will respectfully disagree. I think you should always be pleasant and take the high road.
It's fine to disagree. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Michelle says the following in DR, page 51 in the "relationship quiz".. (I don't see any mention of always being pleasant.) I believe that is impossible in a relationship. I have no idea what you mean by always taking the "high road." Everybody thinks they take the high road. (Even the WS.) I would warn you to be wary of that term.
Quote:
Michelle wrote and asked this in the quiz.... 1) Conflict and anger are signs that your marriage is failing
False. All marriages, even the best of marriages, have their ups and downs. It's impossible to live under the same roof with another human being for any length of time and not disagree with them now and then.
People in loving marriages understand that conflict comes with marital territory. It's more than unavoidable, it's NECESSARY. People need to let off steam and air their differences. When they don't, they're in for trouble
The fact is, the single best predictor of divorce is the constant avoidance of conflict.
Well, it would be true that the constant avoidance of conflict is a predictor for divorce, and in fact that is part of what occurred in my marriage that led to its failure.
At the moment, however, my H and I are NOT in conflict, we just are not connecting.
And in fact, although I am generally a good communicator, particularly here where I feel free to express myself and no real incentive for restraint... With my HUSBAND, there were a number of factors that prevented me from being as honest as you've seen. And there's a HUGE difference between communicating well via the written word and the spoke word.
In fact, if he and I were nothing but penpals for the rest of our lives, we'd be in perfect harmony.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm better in writing than face to face. You can slow down, think, edit when writing.
You can also learn to do that when speaking but it does take practice. I was always uncomfortable with silence in a conversation because I felt I had to fill it.
I don't. Those pauses can be valuable.
I like what you said about eating the elephant.
Slow down, take the pressure off yourself.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Slowing down in person is one of the 180s I've been practicing on my kids. It's especially helpful with my daughter, whose temperament is very like my husband's. It's been AMAZING what a difference it's made in my relationship with her, and how much I'm learning about her. Also humbling.
With my H, it's a little different. He asks question after question about me, even now, but volunteers nothing about himself. It's one of my biggest pre-A frustrations. If I sit in silence HE will now fill it with more questions. My asking him about himself was one of his big complaints in MC and the source of his very few fits of anger. He doesn't feel comfortable talking about himself. Which also is why I thought I'd invite him to hear the musician -- no screen, but no need to chat unless we want to.
We'll see how that plays out. Today is today.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm sympathising with your avoidance of conflict. That's also been a huge factor in how we got to where we are - we both avoided it until everything blew up. Now, it feels too late to fix things and there are deep, long-standing resentments on either side.
I like your approach slow down and communicate well, and it's good it's made a difference with your D. With you H., it may just take some time - it's an old pattern for him, and one that he's probably not working on actively changing right now (or might not even be thinking about). It sounds like it's something he's really uncomfortable with, so your plan of having something going on so you don't have to chat is great. Are there any questions that are less overtly about him that you could start asking to ease him into talking about himself a bit more gently?
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I have no idea about questions for H. He doesn't do much except work and run just a little bit and if I ask about the running I'll have to admit that I've let mine fall off a lot, even though I have a treadmill in the basement. And the work questions were specifically what he really hated being asked. He did volunteer something interesting about work when I helped assemble his couch but I don't have any idea how to follow up safely with additional questions. I tried... the conversation didn't really go anywhere. I tried to ask about books but it got a little sticky; I guess next I can start watching the news again and ask if he's kept up with world events (used to be one of our favorite hobbies), but I suspect given what I've seen on Netflix that he's fallen off. He didn't get cable at his apartment. And I haven't been keeping up either. Before he left we watched a lot of cooking shows, but that also isn't happening anymore, so...
I'm terrified of his travel. My dream the other day was about him having a one-night stand at a hotel and he's out of town this week, out of the country next week and part of the following, and then out of town again the week after that. I HATE his travel. Hate it.
And I'm not sure I'm going to invite him out because I don't know that we have many opportunities to interact so that it would be a natural invitation. I guess I'll have to wait & see. He had sent me a long text on Tuesday that he wanted to invite me and the kids out to dinner this week but couldn't because of the travel that popped up. I don't expect to hear from him at all today, even for the kids, because where he is usually means he's busy 8 am-midnight. Which I have ALWAYS hated. Have I mentioned how much I hate his travel?
On the DB severity spectrum I seem to fall somewhere in the low-to-mid range -- not as good as those who are still living together, though maybe better than some. It makes it weird to angst because I know how much worse it could be, but because I want it to be so much better I'm letting myself be miserable instead of appreciating that I don't have to build the platform at least for future pleasant interactions. If only I had learned about this stuff six months ago.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Sigh... and after all that angst, he just texted ME, and ONLY ME, to say he'd be calling shortly. And here I had expected to not hear from him today at all.
What shall we name this roller coaster?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Aren't you and your h avid readers? I'm sorry if I'm confusing your sitch with someone else's. If that is the case, perhaps an exchange regarding what each of you have been reading? Just a thought. Hope your call with h goes well.
J Cred- I think it's pretty well documented what taking the high road is on these boards. Keep reading and you will see that it can be quite the challenge:-)You will here many vets mention that term as well and no, not all WAS say or infer they are taking the high road. As a matter of fact, some MLCers will flat out admit that they are behaving horribly and continue that behavior. As I'm sure you've learned, DB is not a once size fit all approach. I'm pleasant to my h each time I see him-for me. That doesn't mean I'm giddy or fake. Just pleasant. And that's my nature in general. We will agree respectfully disagree again.
Sorry if I hijacked or got super sassy on your thread Maybell. Please let us know how your talk goes. Good luck!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thought I'd pop over and catch up on your sitch. I've only read a little, but will read more.
Conflict avoidance! We are in the same boat! That is the big issue my IC is trying to work on with me. I do it with everybody - family, friends, coworkers - everyone. I will do most anything to avoid conflict or hurting someone's feelings to my own detriment. I'm getting better at standing up for myself and voicing my opinions, but still have a lot of work to do. I can say this, though. It's not pleasant to engage in discord, but it feels really, really good not to feel like a doormat!
I also sympathize with the inability to talk about just little things. My H thinks about nothing but business. I work in the business, too, but it controls his life. That's all he thinks about. I refuse to let that happen to me.
But, when they are so single focused, it's almost impossible to talk about anything else. It's like you are annoying them if you try. If you are separated, it's even worse. The everyday stuff that you used to talk about just falls by the wayside.
I don't really have any advice for you since I haven't quite figured it out myself, but wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your frustrations.
As for the name for the roller coaster, I call mine "Hall of Fame." There is song by Script called Hall of Fame about being a champion and in it they say you can "walk through Hell with a smile." We do it everyday, don't we??
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
It's interesting to see the text exchanges we're engaging in. Like we're both trying to engage but not quite getting there. I started just validating everything that came out of his end -- noisy guy next to him, awkward arrival timing, etc.
We are both avid readers, but the one I just finished was for my daughter from a series he hates, and the one he just started he's not far enough in for me to ask about. Everything is just so awkward.
So I'll take every opening he gives me even if I feel silly. At least I'm not shutting him down. I'll share what's going on with me -- to a limit -- so I'm not shutting down myself. Hopefully things will warm from there.
The trickiest thing about it all is I think neither of us knows what the other is aiming for. I assumed that he moved out because he didn't want to be married to me, but apparently that's not entirely the case. And then I was so hurt (and there was the OW thing) that I wasn't willing to be open to him. Now things seem to be evolving but neither of us has said out loud any more than that we'd like to be warmer and friendlier with each other. He still wants his space, I still want my space, and neither of us knows how far that goes. Awkward.
At some point we'll have to clear the air, but it will be a good 2-3 weeks before that will happen, I think. I've gotten in the habit of assuming the worst so I can't be hurt again, and that may be no more helpful than getting my hopes up.
Conflict avoidance is much more his problem than mine, but I did absorb some of his bad habits in that area in the last several years.
2Times, I like your roller coaster name.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Well, we didn't talk. But we're exchanging text messages. It's better than it has been in a while. He's sharing a few things about work. So that's something. Actually, that's kind of a lot.
Every week hopefully a little better. This is an acceptable start.
On Labug's thread in 2011 there was a poster who said that the message on all the threads was smoothing the friction, then establishing friendship, then romance, then recommitment. Baby steps.
It's becoming really important to me that I 180 on the whole existing calmly in the face of uncertainty, because that's my kryptonite. Suggestions for strategies on achieving that are highly welcomed.
Last edited by Maybell; 08/01/1412:21 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I haven't been around much but the last line of this post struck me.
The river will flow. That's the only thing we can be certain of. You have approached your work here in such a calm, reassuring, nurturing way. You got this.
Deep breaths. Whenever I start to feel like I'm losing it, I try to breathe through it. Oh, and meds. I resisted them for too long, and they have saved my life. I know it's not for everyone, but for me the anxiety is such a biochemical thing that I needed help getting under control. My goal is to be able to manage the anxiety naturally some day, with exercise, sleep, meditation, maybe biofeedback. But that's a ways away for me at this point.
I haven't posted in a while but after reading up it caught my eye your part on Labug regarding the "threads was smoothing the friction, then establishing friendship, then romance, then recommitment. Baby steps."
A good thing to remember. I'm rooting for you
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
I am so blessed with the support I get here. Thank you all, very deeply.
Claire, I'm so flattered that you think I'm calm & reassuring. I feel like I've laid out some doozies of meltdowns. I have relied on an herbal supplement which has been enough to get me through. I ran out two days ago though so I guess I'd better go replenish my stock.
The funny thing is, we bought that bottle for H last summer when he was anxious about saying goodbye to OW. When it became clear he wasn't going to use it I commandeered it. TOTALLY got my money's worth out of it.
There was a book I got a while back by Susan Jeffers with a title that was almost exactly Surviving Uncertainty or something like that. But the second chapter was about how her 16 year first marriage fell apart and how sometimes you have to just say goodbye to relationships and I wasn't ready to hear the message, so I just read the intro & first chapter and returned it to the library. Maybe I'll get it back out and just skip that relationship chapter.
I do feel calmer now. Reminding myself not to eat the elephant makes it ok for the process to take how long it's going to take. I've made all these changes to myself and then I was kind of at a loss for what to tackle next. But now I see that calm in the face of uncertainty, and reminding my mom that I get to make these decisions and that pressure to make major life decisions on her suggestion is not healthy, are two very important points of growth for me.
Thank you all!
Fiddle dee dee, tomorrow's another day!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
May bell & others working on becoming calmer...my IC recommended an app called calm.com. it's guided meditation, I'm finding it helpful
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Talking of apps. This one liner poped up in my fb news feed.
There's a new app out call humor you should install it! Lol Norty but there are so many who could use it, had a few *rolls eyes* interesting and very precious customers today!
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
OK my .02 would be...Are you enjoying what's happening with your H and you right now? (minus the awkwardness)
If so, continue to enjoy it, attach no strings to it. I think it might be difficult for you to communicate, cause you're trying to get somewhere. Let go of that as much as you can and just enjoy what's happening now.
I might have told this story but...I was in a yoga class and the instructor, who I really enjoy for her calm, quiet, non-striving manner, directed us into a post. Then she asked something so simple, "What if there is no next pose? Don't anticipate the next move. Just be here."
Of course I was always anticipating the next move, never "being" in the current one as my mind had already moved on.
I've always been a striver, it's difficult to switch gears to non-striving.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug, I was NOT enjoying the place where I was with my H at all. I was stuck and couldn't do the warm smile thing or any other kind of DB. I had no realization that I was SO stuck on OW. I had set that as a boundary thinking it was a strategy and then I think I was surprised to discover how thoroughly I meant it. Three exposures from her baby daddy was two to many to stomach.
Now it is better and I am enjoying things. Yes, I'm still anticipating what's next but after an 800 mile road trip today I've realized how much space in my head I've been giving him and I'm working consciously to reduce that, along with a couple of other 180s that occurred to me. But I'm woozy from driving and fatigue so I'll save those for tomorrow.
He texted a lot today, initiated, *seemed* concerned about me... But then I often try to talk myself down by attributing what I want to be for me to the kids. And he texted for a while last night during a second round late in the evening. I'm afraid to get my hopes up, but also kind of enjoying this place, a funny combination of teen crush with mature desires and then basking in feeling like a new woman.
I had another great Star Wars quote for you labug but the brain cell holding it fell asleep...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Btw, got an invoice from the lawyer and she's done very little. I was thinking of telling her to suspend work on the separation agreement (but hold the retainer, in case) for the time being. I don't want to continue the process at this time if there isn't a good reason to.
Any reason I shouldn't, besides that my mother might call me stupid?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
There is no reason, IMO, to rush things through. (My process is moving verrry slowly, and I am quite ok with that at the moment).
There's a couple of ways to look at it: There may not be any harm in drafting the agreement (nothing has to be signed or filed just because it's written, right?) Then, at least you have that done regardless.
I guess a separation agreement would be good to have if you have financial concerns, or are having difficulty with custody arrangements.
Or, if none of that is a concern right now, you could put things on hold, for sure. What reasons can you think of to continue getting the agreement drafted or not?
Staying with my brother and SIL and their three kids with my kiddos. My brother's house is very resort-like and they invited me here to recharge before the summer.
About two hours in to my fourteen hour drive I realized that I hadn't thought do anything but H during the entire drive. So I started really working at changing the direction of my thoughts. And then I realized... I've been living way too much of my life that way. Not just since BD, but for years.
Yeah, that realization lasted a day.
My mom is really frustrated with me. She thinks I'm letting him mistreat me. I can't even say his name without her snorting and making noises that he can do no right. I don't blame her for being angry, but if my daughter were as clear with me about what support she wanted from me I'd do my best to provide it. She thinks he hasn't done enough to get to know them, even though they NEVER call him and she complains about how much I brought him around when we were dating. She's mad he hasn't called to apologize to her!! So... I'm going to have to make her angrier and stop relying on her support. She makes me feel worse and telling her anything makes her angrier with him and I wish I had never told her anything. Which will upset her when she realizes she's been cut out, because she wants me to feel free to share. So that's my big drama.
I was a little down today because H went to the house to bring in the mail and sent all these texts telling me he was collecting supplies to hang art, etc. at his apartment. I'm thinking, though, that's not a reason to be upset. If he's willing to break the lease to reconcile, as he said when he got the place, then a few holes in the walls won't stop him. Part of me also thinks he did it today because there wasn't much else to do. So the sooner he runs out of ways to kill time the sooner he's going to have to start paying attention to his share of this mess.
My SIL is lovely. She's disgusted with the way he's left me holding the bag but supportive of the idea of repairing the marriage. Because she listened supportively I was able to remember I'm in the middle stretch of the marathon. Now I'm out of the opening scrum, I can stretch my legs and let my arms swing, pay attention to the music and plan my rest stations.
Labug, this is where reading your threads is going to really help me.
So, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead... But I'm not dead yet!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It's good that you're getting a bit of a break, and I find your realisation especially interesting. It parallels a few realisations that I've had recently, particularly around how long I've been basically shaping my life - not completely, but largely - around H. and how small my world became as a result. I don't know if this is the case for you, but for me it happened so gradually that I didn't really notice it. Now that I have, though, it's been a revelation.
That's tough with your mom. It's nice to get sympathy and indignation and validation so it feels like people are on your side, but it seems like there often comes a point when they no longer agree with your choices, and the relationships become strained. Is it possible to sit down with her again to be clear about not just what kind of support you need, but why you need it, too? I'm wondering how much context your mother has for you wanting to work through things and whether giving her more of that might help her to better support you.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
