I agree. Relaxing and trusting what happens. It doesn't meant to give up but to let go of what we know we cannot control. Ultimately what will be will be. I know this is easier said than done but this has been something I've been thinking about a lot today especially since last nights interaction. With H.
I think when we relax, just like letting go, our S can 'feel it'. I always think of Thornton telling me he can feel that his exw still pines over him. Nothing she says or does but he can feel it.
Maybell, you have been so kind to me I need to send you prayers back.
Relax, stay calm, cool and collected, and see how things play out. A bit rich coming from me lol but I know u can do it.
I'm praying for u.....
M 35 W 31 D 10 Married 3 years Together 11 Single since Nov 13 Moved out Dec 13 ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more' OM confirmed Jun 14
I think we are in a similar place wrt "letting go". And there is a whole 'nother chunk of grieving that goes along with that. You are moving forward, though the path is not completely linear. It has jagged edges, as it should. Those edges allow you to pause, look back, and see just how far you have really come before you continue on.
Seems like you are in a good pausing place.
I will be thanking you and praying for you in my meditation tonight.
Maybell, I'm sending lots of warm thoughts and good wishes your way too.
It's hard to let go but if you can, I think it's for the best. It sounds like you could use some calm and some peace (couldn't we all?), and letting go could help with that quite a bit.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I'm thinking that the reason this week has been so tough for me is that it has been the first week since BD, over a year ago, when I've had the chance to process through everything that has happened.
Our marriage was happy for several years. After the kids were born the pace of our life picked up, due to both our choices. The attention he gave me declined and my responsiveness to him declined and somehow we weren't one another's first priorities anymore. Over time I made some fairly demanding bids for his attention. I felt increasingly frustrated, and then we left a town where I was outstandingly happy with my life to move to the west coast.
I held onto my resentment for that move for many years. We made some bad choices that I think can be attributed to his ADD and my not investigating more carefully, trusting to his expertise.
There were stretches in between when we were happy and attentive to one another. But we didn't sustain them well and it was generally me who tried to draw us closer to one another. Not exclusively. But generally.
When I looked at the finances and realized our trouble I told him I was really frustrated that his main responsibility in the household had been so mishandled. That was harsh. I am sorry I said that (and have said so since).
We still might perhaps have recovered but I think his unhappiness at his job, which he never confessed to me till he had given notice (he had done the same thing when we moved west as well), combined with turning 40, losing his hair, our daughter *developing* and the new move just pushed him right over into OW's bed.
After I found out about A I was probably ten times more volatile than even during the moves. There was no part of me that could fathom that he could do that to me and I should be the one showing him compassion. This was more than he could bear and eventually he threw in the towel.
Over the course of my threads I haven't focused on many of my faults in the marriage; for me it's been more about detaching. So there are my faults: impatience, volatility, harshness. Those were the faults that made him keep his anxieties from me... But also his own reserve caused that. I am working to curb my faults. I think the impatience will be the hardest to govern, but I'm working on it.
I'm not going to lay claim to having found more detachment today but I think I can see a greater divide between my issues and his issues. I don't know what will happen in the future but I see that time is on my side.
I am a woman and so one of my greatest needs is for security and stability. I did not think before I met H that I was sufficient to provide that for myself and so I dated frantically and didn't think my life could start till I was married. Now my task is to realize that I absolutely can provide my own security and stability and that I'm going to have to learn how to do it.
If you're going through hell, don't stop there. Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead! I'm not dead yet!
All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
You can absolutely provide your own security and stability! Just think of how much more power you'll have because you'll know your own strength and abilities and won't feel like you're depending on anyone other than yourself.
It's scary, I know, but as the breadwinner and the person who's largely supported H. for years, I can definitely say that knowing you can take care of yourself is incredibly empowering. I also imagine that it could be a good thing for your relationship, particularly if responsibility is something that was an issue between you in the past, which it seems that it was.
That said, I think it's important to recognize both your own abilities and what you expect from a partner, too. Until recently, I don't think I fully realised just how important security and stability were to me, and how much I was withdrawing from H. because there were ways he wasn't providing them. Although he gave a lot of emotional care, I was left feeling like most of the practical responsibilities were on me. Knowing that I was capable of taking care of both of us didn't do much to mitigate the feelings that I wasn't being supported in ways that would let me feel more secure.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Meghan, I've been a SAHM for 12 years. Getting a real job that can support me and three kids is intimidating. I know he'll be paying support for the kids and a limited amount for me, but the idea of having no safety net is scary. It will be just me.
I'm scared of the next phase. I'm scared of getting through it. I miss the good him, being connected to him. I'm angry that we are where we are. I think I've come to another level of realization that this is real but liberating is only a small part of what I feel about it. But I do really need to step back and let him go. It's past time. I've held on too firmly.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
What would happen if I said I wanted us to sell the house?
It wouldn't be about drawing him closer. It would be about protecting my PMA. We closed on it after he started the affair -- but I didn't know. It was supposed to have been perfect for us. But it poisons me everytime I walk into it. It's too much work for me by myself and if we have another winter like last winter I think I might get flattened.
We're not even legally separated yet but I won't stay in the house if we divorce. The property is enormous and has three outbuildings, at least one of which I'm pretty sure has housed vagrants on more than one occasion -- probably two of them.
I'd like to find a rental that would be just the right size for me and the kids. That would buy me time to figure out what my next chapter is going to look like.
Thoughts?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I hate to say it but again I feel you are rushing. It's been maybe less than 24 hours since you decided you had to let go a little.. and you seem to already be on to the next thing.. I feel like I am being rude by saying this, but I think you just need to take a couple of days, if you can, without thinking about "what's next."
