Sex was great, then we married part 3

[Grey]

I read a lot of posts about another user yesterday but I can't remember his name and therefore can't find the posts. He talked about being co-dependent. If you know who he is or can link to that thread, it would be greatly appreciated! I wanted to look at the book he mentioned.

My W likes to be in control of ALL her relationships---her friends, work, events, and me. I know that now. I think that's why the smallest nothings become acts of hostility for her, like when anyone tries to have their own life or their own boundaries.

I'm not criticising except to say I can only work on me, I know that. I just don't think she'll ever work on her. I'm not happy when she is controlling to the point where she gets upset if every person doesn't read her mind, so to speak. I see it more with her other friends and the people she manages at work, but it also happens to me. It just makes it harder to be in love with her sometimes.

For example, working on me, getting a life, exercising----I was walking the dogs last night an hour early when she drives home---she had been out drinking with a friend, nearly hit us when she didn't stop to turn right at a stop sign. She doesn't WANT me to get a life----I have one, mind you (hobbies, friends, events, etc.) but the more I want to do it's like the more she harbors resentment for me not being available all the time. That part is very tricky.

I'm happier with me, that's for sure! I'm less happy with her now, though. I can't change her, I understand that. My therapist suggested I lend my wife one of the books I've been reading, but I am afraid my wife would first take offense to it and second never really read it, or if she did, it would be to try seeing what I'm doing wrong. It may be inaccurate, but I'm still afraid to do it. My wife thinks I have depression. My therapist swears I don't. I am better about not being anxious around my wife now, but it seems she thinks the problems are all me.

I'm not saying I'm not without fault. I wasn't the best I could be and I made mistakes but I'm never going to pretend they were her fault alone again. And I'm working on me, and loving it! I just don't know where the marriage going to go. It seems like it's getting worse the more I like being me again and having more of my own life. I keep a happy face on (which is easy to do since I'm happy and sleeping better, etc) and I DO enjoy being around her, I just never know when she's going to be upset with me and really how to react to it-----I feel like it's wrong to get walked all over, but I don't want to argue with her about things either. When she's upset, I try to listen and understand her point of view rather than fix it or explain anything. I'm better at that now, but it's like she almost deliberately gets upset at irrational things, like talking to my twin brother on the phone for the first time in weeks while waiting for her to show up at the bar----when she did, I got off the phone, didn't argue, listened, but it doesn't make me feel better or love her more, know what I mean? I WANTED to say, "I just needed to talk to my brother, is that bad?"

So the whole night she got drunk and then went to bed without saying goodnight. When I asked, she said she wasn't angry. I left it alone, but OUCH, it still hurts, and I don't love being around anyone like that, know what I mean?

Tonight we're supposed to go out with her friends again and there's going to be a lot of drinking. On one hand, my stomach is killing me. On the other hand, if I don't go I'm a bad guy, right? So I'll go and I'll have as much fun as I can, I just feel like sometimes I'm faking it and she's always in charge. I don't want to get drunk tonight. I'd love to be SOBER with her for once on a Friday night and watch a movie, just once, just us. I'm apprehensive about tonight. She has another friend coming into town and they're going to get drunk which is when my W is the most mean and forgetful. She gets the most upset when I don't get drunk with her.

I'm talking about her a lot again----I do that here, don't know why, but mostly I think about me, talk more with my friends, and work on getting better. My therapist says she is very proud of me, which makes me feel great! She's helping me build us a plan to do an art show with the new local Maserati dealership. I love visiting my therapist and I enjoy talking to my wife about it, and she likes listening, too. That was two days ago, then yesterday it felt like a 180 on her part. I'm not sure what to think, really. It makes me want to do MORE things on my own, to GAL more, but the tricky part is that's what bothers her the most and I don't know what the balance needs to be for me GAL'ing versus being there for her and being her party buddy, know what I mean?

[GoatGal]

Hmmmmm.....


This is an interesting development.

I need to digest.

---GGG

[sandi2]

How much of the time is your W drunk, trying to get drunk, or planning to get drunk?

Do you ever see her get through a 24 hr period without a drink?

[Zues126]

Pasting a quick study on co-dependency. Don't want to paste the link so here you go:


Robert was trying to control Karen with his anger and withdrawal. When she wasn't attentive enough to him, such as not wanting to listen to him complain about work, or when she didn't feel like making love with him, he would invariably get angry and sullen. He hoped that by punishing her, she would give him what he wanted - what he felt that he needed in order to be okay.

Karen was trying to control Robert with her caretaking. She would listen to him go on and on complaining about work, way past the point of boredom. She would give in to him and make love when she was not turned on, in the hope that he would love her and not be angry with her or leave her for another woman. But Karen had reached a place of deep resentment. She was almost ready to leave rather than go on losing herself in the relationship. When she finally decided to be honest with Robert, he was more than willing to come into counseling with her.

They both believed "I am responsible for making you happy and you are responsible for making me happy. This is why we are together - to make each other happy. Why else be together? When you are not happy, it is my fault, and when I am not happy, it is your fault."

It had never occurred to Robert or Karen that they were each responsible for their own happiness. It had never occurred to them that they were together to share their love rather than to get love. It was a totally new concept to them that they each had a child inside them - their inner child, their feeling self - and that they were each responsible for their own inner child. Each of them had been handing their inner child over to the other person, essentially saying, "Here. This child, my feeling self, is your responsibility."


The problem with this is that, just as an actual child would feel abandoned if you kept trying to give him or her to someone else to care for, your inner child feels abandoned the moment you make another person responsible for your feelings. Then you think that your abandonment feelings are coming from the other person not loving you, when they are really coming from YOU not loving you!

[GoatGal]

Grey,

I was re-reading DBing again last night. ( Now dog-eared and highlighted to the max)

I thought of you when I hit page 100.
Maybe you should re-read that section again and see if it resonates with you.

As for the alcohol use, I was thinking along the lines of sandi2 ^^^^ too.

What's up with that, you think?


---GGG

[Zues126]

The above description is exactly what transpired in my M. I totally understand the need for sex. That was all me. What I didn't realize was that I had a void that she could never fill. It was because I didn't love myself or think I was worthy of love that I needed her to prove me wrong in the specific ways I thought I needed. It didn't end up well and my destroyed family is the result.

The book is codependent no more. It's eye opening.

Now, in my R, there truly WERE some issues with her understaning of y needs. However I didn't give a fair chance for her to hear those needs and make changes on her own because I NEEDED what I needed so badly I tried controlling behavior as opposed to giving her chance to decide who she wanted to be. So I'm not 100% convinced I can live with her most recent level of sexual giving if she wanted me back, but I know two things: 1) I have tons of room to grow healthier on my end which may allow me to accept less, and 2) she will be most likely to meet my needs if I'm not such a D-bag.

Bottom line I love her and our relationship enough to do the work I need to achieve those goals. I only hope I have the chance to try. You do. Please use it.

Thanks, Zues.

[MrBond]

Why do you feel like you need to get "drunk"? She doesn't control that. If you don't want to drink, then don't. Simple as that.

[MrBond]

Still around?