KGirl - post-move

[KGirl]

GB - yes, I hear what you're saying and it could very well be that way w/ my H (as evidenced by what comes next...)

So H texted me that I got a very good coupon in the mail that expires soon and I may want to pick it up ASAP. I did, in fact, want that coupon, so I stopped by the house today on the way to do errands to get it. First time I've seen H in person since I moved six weeks ago. I go up to the door, see that the front door is open, ring the bell, don't hear any signs of life, so I go in and get the stuff on the entryway table. He finally comes out from wherever he is and we say hi to each other, then he asks:
H: Do you remember how much we paid for that clock? [for those who have been following my posts, H and I had a big fight about this clock I wanted to take w/ me when I moved that he also wanted, I ended up taking it]
Me: I'm not sure, it was a wedding gift, but I think it was $50 or $60.
H: Oh..I thought we bought it. Well anyways, I found the same one at ShopKo today for $60. At least I think it's the same one, it's hard to tell.
Me: Oh yeah? Can I see it?
*we go look at the clock, I note that it appears to be the same one. I head back out to the front door and pet the cat*
H: So did you get a cat?
Me: No [thanks for the reminder, dude!]
H: Oh. I had to do a lot of errands too today. I spent a lot of money, and I have more stuff to buy, but I'll wait until a different day so I don't spend so much at once.
Me: It can help to spread all those purchases out. Well, I've gotta get going, bye!

I ended the conversation first despite him seeming to want to chat, I tried to look and smell my best, and be cheerful Which lasted until I drove away and cried for a bit... good thing my errands were 20 min. away. The clock made me sad - why would you buy a new one that's exactly the same unless you were pretty sure that your W would never be coming back with her version of that clock? Granted, he might not be thinking that way. He may not be thinking much of anything besides "I want things to look like how they used to." But it made me sad that he's busy replacing everything as if I'm not coming back. I've been holding onto this secret hope that there's no way he'll ACTUALLY divorce me, he'll come around, it will just take some time. I need to really let go of that and acknowledge that more than likely he's NOT "coming back."

Back to your point, GB - rather than spending time reflecting or whatever he seems to be going on shopping sprees to fill the literal empty spaces in his life from when I left. And who knows what the deal is with his "friend." She probably doesn't have as much time to play Words with Friends with him on her phone if she has a newborn (and an older kid) to take care of now/soon.

GoatGal - I dreamed my H had shaved his head and pierced one of his ears. Luckily when I saw him none of those things were true because I'm sure I would have reacted poorly

[vossy]

I *always* have dreams like that. Actually, I always have. When my ex and I were together, if I dreamed that he cheated on me or something, I'd have this annoyed feeling with him the rest of the day.

These days, I have two types of dreams. In some, I am hanging out with him (although we are not together) and sometimes we kiss but it is very clear we're not back together. In others, we are back together but he tells me he is leaving all over again. Either way, waking up after these dreams is hard.

As for the clock, I would stop reading so much into it. All these things are material.. it's not going to determine whether or not you divorce. He may be getting a new clock because right now he is still on the path towards you guys being apart -- obviously he's on that path, because he hasn't asked you to come home -- but that doesn't mean it can't/won't happen.

[labug]

The clock made me sad - why would you buy a new one that's exactly the same unless you were pretty sure that your W would never be coming back with her version of that clock? Granted, he might not be thinking that way. He may not be thinking much of anything besides "I want things to look like how they used to." But it made me sad that he's busy replacing everything as if I'm not coming back. I've been holding onto this secret hope that there's no way he'll ACTUALLY divorce me, he'll come around, it will just take some time. I need to really let go of that and acknowledge that more than likely he's NOT "coming back."

Any of these things could be true or not true.

How about trying the old "Hmmm, isn't that interesting?" line.

I remember all the meaning you placed on that clock and now he's replaced it for $60. You got what you wanted, he got what he wanted.

I know this is all painful for you, I continue to post here because I remember it all too well. I would pick apart every little thing, trying to find some meaning. It only kept me stuck and wallowing.

Until I decided to not care. We are truly in charge of how much meaning we give things.

[KGirl]

I need to keep in mind that H assigns little meaning to things besides the obvious or face-value of the action/thing (having known him as long as I have I feel comfortable saying this) so it really is fruitless for me to ponder what things might "mean" that he does or say. Honestly it wouldn't shock me if he was at ShopKo getting something else, happened to walk past the clock, and thought "hey! That's that clock! I should get it," end of story.

H e-mailed me last night about a missing disc he needed to reimage his computer, and he included a "PS - [show we used to watch together] is really interesting so far this season." I took an opportunity to experiment a little and wrote back with a question about whether he thought a certain thing would happen and I got back a whole paragraph of thoughts. I'm not attaching expectations, because I know he'd like to be friends and could just be being friendly. But, you don't get anywhere unless you start somewhere, right? I figured if I was ready to reach out a little, it couldn't hurt. Now I'll go back to being "dark," I guess, until the next logistical thing.

As for my personal goals:
-I've done a couple of zentangles and will be buying the paper to be able to do more. It's something I look forward to when I need a calm, focused moment.
-Still working on the car thing. Can't decide if I want to start negotiating on any which I think means I don't like any of them enough and need to wait for just the right teal hatchback
-I am focusing better at work instead of on all of this, and am taking initiative to suggest some changes and new projects. I've been there almost a year now and finally feel like I'm in a position where I have enough experience to put behind my suggestions. We have a lot of opportunities to make things less complicated and more connected for students and I'm excited to see what I can bring to the department.
-My couch is finally being delievered on Friday so I can actually have people over because there'll be places to sit!

[labug]

I'm going to look for a zentangle class.

[KGirl]

I recall you mentioning you are crafty and creative so you'd probably like it!

I've run into a dilemma as I ponder purchasing a car and could use some advice on how to approach H about it...
I live in a community property state, so H can technically be held responsible for any car loan I take out while we are still M, even if I'm the sole applicant. This didn't occur to me until I started looking into credit pre-approval and one of the first questions they ask is your marital status, and then I remembered the whole "your debt is mine" thing. If I take out a loan they by law are supposed to notify H that I've done so since he's liable. I'm thinking that a surprise notice from a lender saying I took out thousands of dollars in debt is not a great way to go, and that I should inform him of my plans first. My question is, what's the best way to do it? I want to make it clear that I will take full responsibility for the loan but out of courtesy wanted to give him a head's up. I don't want it to seem like I'm asking him for permission because I don't need to. However, I'm worried that by informing him of my plans, it might intice him to take some sort of D action to protect himself from my debt. I would hope he'd be reasonable and recognize that we can assign that debt to me upon D and that will be that (not to mention that the only reason I'm even getting a car is because we are S, otherwise we'd be sharing his car.) This is what I was thinking of emailing so far:

"H,

I'm looking into buying a car and would need to take out a loan to do so. I wanted to give you a head's up on my plans since they'll likely notify you when I take out a loan. I won't be listing you as a cosigner/coapplicant and regardless of what happens will be taking full responsibility for the loan."

Too much info? Not enough info? Should I be asking his opinion? Should I clarify that he will be also liable for the loan or leave him to figure that out on his own? He has mentioned the fact that we'll be under community property law but I don't know that he'll connect that w/ the implications of the car loan.

I did think about just waiting until this is resolved to buy a car but... who knows how long that will be?? I'm borrowing a car from my parents right now that I'd like to not be driving by winter since it's in rough shape. Also, if he does file for D no parties can take out any debt during the waiting period, and the waiting period is 4+ months, so there's good reason for me to not wait around to make this purchase. Thoughts appreciated about broaching this with him, not about the legal part because I know this isn't the place for that! I don't want to make any implications about D or reconciling in the e-mail, I want to be as neutral as possible.

[mdu]

I like the email. I think getting the car will be very empowering so definitely go for it!

[unbidden]

Check with a L, but if you're already separated new debts are not joint. I wouldn't tell him anything. Not really his business. Seems like you're just creating a reason to contact him.

[Georgiabelle]

KGirl,

No need to ask for h's opinion. You need a car so you have decided to purchase a car. If you feel it necessary , you could say "H, I'm purchasing a car and you may be notified of the loan, just wanted to give you a head's up". That should be sufficient.

[KGirl]

We're not considered "actually" or legally separated so all of the laws about property and debt still apply. Here the only way you are legally separated is if you actually file paperwork for a separation. Our separation is just a physical one which means nothing here in terms of your marital status, hence the awkwardness... I don't really feel like it's his business, you're right, so I don't really want to tell him about it but the creditors by law have to notify him by mail if we live separately/he's not there at signing that I've taken out the loan (it's called the "tattletale law" here, how appropriate!), and I don't know that it will help my goals if that's where the notice comes from.