Had a huge cry session in an empty room at work with a friend. She wants me to send him a text saying thank you for your hurtful words. I am a humantoo and can only take so much. Sorry you feel that way.
I just don't get how he can act like this. He has never talked to me about us. Nothing. And he is so happy to be done with me. It is so freaking hurtful.
Don't reply to him. Don't reply!! Vent here. Or sit in your car and scream a reply to him at the top of your lungs (but just to yourself!)
When I say this forum has been a lifeline for me, I MEAN IT. Friends, good friends who care about me and want me to be happy, would not have gotten me to the place I am. DB is for YOU. And perhaps, in your situation, more than it is for your M.
You are mess? Ok. Join the club! He is MORE of a mess! Think about it, you wouldn't want to be him, would you? Draw strength from the resilience you have shown, the way you've been able to be there for your boys, take them on vacation, handle all the sh!t that has been thrown at you. You are amazing.
So sorry your H has misplaced his compassion and his decency.
I agree, he is trying to bait you so he can point to what a witch he's escaping.
We know that's not true and so do you.
How can he do this?
Who knows? They can, and they do.
They're angry and confused and since they know it's not their fault, it's got to be somebody else's. You're a convenient target. And even he probably wouldn't have the guts to treat anyone who didn't love him this way.
Take your time responding and only if necessary at this point.
He's like a viper in a crevice. Why would you stick your hand in there?
Find a way around him!
Hang in there, sweetie!
-----GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Ya I've been cool and calm. I told him I already had it looked at and he now wants to go by himself and have it looked at. This is not a marital asset it's in my name
Then what's the hold up? Why not let him go look?
If it's actually secretly worth something and he wants it listed as an asset,but you know it's wrecked, he'll gain nothing. But you'll have more credibility.
And if He can fix it or help arrange something, great. I see no harm in letting him look and frankly it's a tad odd looking (to him I bet) that you are so mum about it.
Why the mystery? Just let him go look and if you are really not okay with that for some reason, ask your L if there is a strategic reason for NOT letting him go look.
Take the weirdness out of this equation by behaving as healthy as possible, and it'll look a bit more detached too.
For most financial matters and all custody issues that you do not totally agree on, refer him to your L. That's what we exist for.
Keep the emotions separate from the business side of this. It really helps and it also keeps the road home, a little more paved.
Not saying you should or must or will reconcile, but at least YOU won't be adding an obstacle to it.
make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you Claire. If I post the conversation could you critique me on things I could have handled better?
And sorry for the confusion my son isn't sick. I work in the pediatric ICU. I have a pt on cardiac bypass I do have a lot of anger. I'm working on letting go of that.
^^^That's good news b/c showing anger to them, really does fuel their justifications for leaving.
Maybe say "H, you barely gave me 5 minutes to respond before you began to berate me for not jumping fast enough to answer your text. There was no cause for that. Besides, this is the same car you told me to handle myself last week.
In any event, feel free to check it out. I took it to the X mechanic you suggested. That's where it is and he says it cost more to fix than the car is worth. I hope you get a different answer."
Do not trouble yourself to send it over but make it available if he wants to check it out. Yes it may well be an asset in his mind but the more trouble HE takes to learn that you are telling the truth, the better as far as I'm concerned.
That's my .02
I have gotten better about not crying and over reacting to his bait but it seems when I take my time to not respond so that it is not emotional he continues to chip away. Like the one text he sent asking what was wrong. Less than 5 minutes later he sends the be a big girl text. He doesn't even give me a chance to respond. That's the part that irritates me that I need to work on. But I am not at his beckon call. He was not there for us last week and cared less that the car was broken because he was on. His vacation and didn't want to deal with it. He is so up and down.
Don't respond to that^^ b/c that's not about the car. Don't pile on or confuse the issues. HE already does that enough. And fwiw, property in your name does NOT mean it's not a marital asset. Not sure if you are in a community property state but if you are, any property acquired during the marriage is considered marital WITH Some exceptions. (Such as inheritances and things you bought with separate funds that were never inside the marriage and were not commingled with marital funds).
Just so you know.
.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 07/23/1401:14 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you all for your words and support. I do agree that H is very angry GB and that he believes it is me that is the reason for his unhappiness. He blames eveything on me and his life would be perfect if it weren't for me
25 - thank you for stopping by. The reason the car issue is a big deal for me is because I do not trust him one bit. He has 2 care in my name only that are premarital that I'm paying insurance on and he is hiding them and won't return them. He also hacked into my personal savings and took $$$$$ out while the boys and I were on vacation. In his current state of mind he cannot be trusted. He has already done thing as a result of me not protecting myself and the boys. Afraid when he knows where the car is he will go get it towed to his work and then I'll have to pay court fees to get that back too. That's my rationale on that at least.
Where do I go from here? Stay silent and say nothing? I just don't know how to handle him anymore and I don't understand why he's starting this with me the last 2 nights. He's pretty much left me alone for the last few weeks if not longer
And 25 - I don't know how the road home is smooth especially with this constant interaction always being negative. Should I offer him later this week to go look at the car? I want to do what's right legally and DB'ing which don't seem to always go hand in hand. I will be hopefully getting one of the vehicles back soon which will be a HUGE issue.
I was reading through Trains threads and the way she placed boundaries with her H wonders if I should be placing boundaries on how he talks to me, etc
First off, boundaries are what you place on YOURSELF, not on others. Telling others what they can do is making demands of them.
If you won't tolerate being berated, then you make yourself "absent" when it happens. You leave the room, or you say "I can't talk to you now. Call me when you are in a better frame of mind." AND HANG UP.
It may seem like semantics but it's a bit clearer and it's less about them, and what you want from them, and more about YOU.
Originally Posted By: T0324
Thank you all for your words and support. I do agree that H is very angry GB and that he believes it is me that is the reason for his unhappiness. He blames eveything on me and his life would be perfect if it weren't for me
No offense, but this^^^ is not relevant at this time or for this issue.
25 - thank you for stopping by. The reason the car issue is a big deal for me is because I do not trust him one bit. I get that. But you can probably minimize your risk without cutting him off and if not, then we'll deal with that.
He has 2 care in my name only that are premarital that I'm paying insurance on and he is hiding them and won't return them.
This is 100% a LEGAL issue your L must know about and react to, unless we are talking about cars worth less than 3 hours of a lawyer's time. It's also odd and it's also probably illegal behavior. You may even save money by calling the police about this but ask your lawyer first, and soon.
No more dickering or asking; just handling the legal issue in the legal arena. .
He also hacked into my personal savings and took $$$$$ out while the boys and I were on vacation. Tell your lawyer. Now.
Is this at all provable? Is it YOUR own money or is it marital? If it's yours then tell your L and even if not, separate your money and protect it ASAP. These are his children too, right?
In his current state of mind he cannot be trusted. He has already done thing as a result of me not protecting myself and the boys. Then you absolutely must protect yourself. Have you? Afraid when he knows where the car is he will go get it towed to his work and then I'll have to pay court fees to get that back too. That's my rationale on that at least. I hear you. But If the car is totaled, then why would you care about having it towed somewhere or having him keep it? Is it not worthless? I'm being serious.
Maybe someone could still charge you for "storage" when it's there, but I'm thinking the guy who gets it towed there ought to be the one on record for it---your h.
Maybe you can stipulate in your text (which you'll keep copies of) that you expect him to assume responsibility for its' storage in the event that he removes it.
Calmly, of course. As if you expect him to be of use, b/c it's better to give him something to live up to, than to live down. Even jerks crave being admired and seen as noble.
Where do I go from here? Stay silent and say nothing? I just don't know how to handle him anymore and I don't understand why he's starting this with me the last 2 nights. He's pretty much left me alone for the last few weeks if not longer
I didn't know about the other cars. He's either feigning interest to make himself look good OR he is suspicious that it's worth more than you are saying. But given his history with your other cars, your hesitance is understandable. Does he fix cars?
Have you asked about the other cars? I MIGHT be tempted to link this in a way like this:
1) "H, You have taken and hidden 2 cars of mine already. This one is worthless -so If you take and hide this one too, it's your dime, not mine."
OR 2) "Unlike the other 2 cars of mine you took, this one is worthless. You ought to consider that before you commit another theft. To me it's not worth the penalty, but I've given up trying to understand or appease you. But hey, have at it, maybe you'll be able to fix it." And don't engage more. Make it all about the car(s).
And 25 - I don't know how the road home is smooth especially with this constant interaction always being negative. It's not smooth, not by a long shot. I'm just saying, let the bumps all be from HIM, not you.
That way, you won't have any regrets down the road or when your kids are older, which is huge.
Secondly, on the off chance he'll ever truly reflect & look within, you'll have increased the odds that he'll regret HIS own behavior and recall you behaving with dignity and strength, in the face of betrayal and adversity.
I highly doubt his OW will ever match up to that, or even be tested much. But if you are fuming at him each time you interact, however justified, that is what he'll recall...and it won't help you.
Should I offer him later this week to go look at the car? I want to do what's right [b]legally and DB'ing which don't seem to always go hand in hand.
DBing is NOT about giving up legal rights. On the surface I see your point but True DBing never asks you to give something up, but it CAN sometimes support the concept of waiting, or not striking first legally.
But what does that COST you legally, really? Not a significant amount over time b/c courts will note theft.
OTOH, can you ever be screwed over by a spouse who steals from you, and could DBing stop you from seeing that happening?
I think you might miss a terrible action of a WAS- but is that really the problem of DBing or just of us trusting someone a bit too much for a bit too long?
I think MWD and this site are pretty conscious of doing right by our kids and to protect ourselves. I know my h's MLC cost us a fortune but so did my not working while he was gone ("why have the kids lose both parents?", was the question my MC asked of me). I could blame it all on my h but that serves no purpose and it absolves me of any responsibility for choices I made.
And that's not adult of me. Anyhow, moving on...
I will be hopefully getting one of the vehicles back soon which will be a HUGE issue. [/b] it's a VERY HUGE issue.
I hope your lawyer is working on this NOW.
Seriously, It's crucial he NOT take marital assets. Any time he does something that interferes with the mobility of you or the kids, it's especially harmful and possibly dangerous to them or you.
Bring that up. "I can't take the kids to the doctor/hospital/school b/c HE has MY cars and HE IS HIDING THEM!"....
that also screams "weirdo control nut" about your h to, the court. But none of this will matter if you do not communicate it to your L.
I am often amazed at what spouses do NOT tell their attorneys, and yet they get mad that nothing was done about it. Or they say "I TOLD my L..." as if that is enough. Tell them and then follow up with what they ask of you. They can't help you if you can't help them.
Make sense?
I was reading through Trains threads and the way she placed boundaries with her H wonders if I should be placing boundaries on how he talks to me, etc
See what I said at the top regarding boundaries (they are for US, not others).
Everyone in your world needs to speak & treat you with common courtesy. Maybe a raised voice now and then can be lowered, but truly, no one ought to be able to yell at you, berate you, chew you out, or curse at you more than once.
A BOSS who does that...well, if I weren't starving, or in the military, I'd probably quit my job if a boss yelled at me or cursed.
I sure as heck would not tolerate it from anyone else in my life, let alone my kids or spouse.
Sure, we all get anxious and at times, we all can lose our tempers now and then. But a pattern of abusive speech IS -- ABUSE, by definition. And the abuse victim plays a role in repeated abuse; they enable it or they end it. (Or they ignore it, which is a form of enabling).
So make your choice and stick with it. Are you a survivor of past abuse, or a victim? That really is your choice.
Call your L and let the cards fall where they fall. Sometimes all you can do is right by your kids, and that will have to be enough.
Years down the road, like I said, you won't have regrets. That is no small feat.
And if he ever really digs deep at all, he'll see what he lost. But that's not your problem or your concern.
If he never looks within, that means he lives a shallow, unexamined life. Socrates said "An unexamined life is not worth living."
But YOU will live a full life. YOU know this b/c you control it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Where do I go from here? Stay silent and say nothing? I just don't know how to handle him anymore and I don't understand why he's starting this with me the last 2 night
Where do you go? You go to dinner, you kiss your kids good night, you tell your CNA's you appreciate what they do, you breathe, you sleep, you vent here. Wash, rinse, repeat.
This is an issue with him, you can't fix it.
Gut feeling: this is the first we have heard about him getting a place... I guess it's no longer sunshine & rainbows on the couch?
The venom (which is undeserved) may be coming from 19girl... she might start to smell the stink on him.
Keep moving onward and upwards! You got this!
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
25 - thank you for all of your insight. Let me clarify as much as I can for you so you can have a better understanding. You'll have to bear with me because I'm on my phone and I'm not good at quoting like others lol
Okay the 2 vehicles he has are mine - owned in cash and worth about 20k total. He is hiding them at his boss' shop locked up and since day one I have not been able to find either. One of them is an SUV that he is now letting his boss and his wife (they are his GF's parents) use the truck. I did send them a message saying they did not have my permission to use the vehicle because it's in my name and I'm paying the insurance. I never got a response but got a picture of the wife posing in front of it! My L knows EVERYTHING I have shared with you guys. We are in the process of getting the vehicles back and it has cost me a good chunk of change. We had made an agreement via our lawyers (H and I have not discussed him returning the vehicles since he refused to in March). We came to am agreement and when it came time to him return them he backed out and said no. Then last week they had a case management conference about our divorce and his lawyer was shown the picture of the boss and his wife with the truck that they were on vacation and he was appalled. Said he believe his client would do what he asked and we would have the trucks returned in 3 days. Multiple calls and emails later a week passes and we hear nothing. Which leads us to having to file an emergency hearing for them. My lawyer has asked me to hire a repo company to find it. So I have until tomorrow to get it taken care of if not then emergency hearing (she was going to file it last week but wanted me to try a cheaper route to save some $$)
Okay so the car that is broken. It was not in am accident. It's my work commuter car. It broke down almost 2 weeks ago. I sent H a text that I needed him to drop off one of the cars he has since he would be going out of town because I had to work and the boys and my dad would be stranded with no car. He told me it wasn't his problem I ran the car into the ground and didn't take care of it and that was it. He told me I'm not dropping anything off to you. Along with a. Few other choice words including calling me a wh0re and that I told him I would change and clearly I haven't because I think everyone should help me no matter what. Okay so I never responded to anything and my friends took care of making sure my kids had ride to basketball games and practice.
Fast forward he's in the keys that whole week and gets back this week. That's when he starts demanding to know about the car. The mechanic told me it would cost more to fix than what it's worth (stupid BMWs!!!). I have NO problem letting him look at it at my house when I'm home. He can bring his mechanic here just like he said hed bring the mechanic to wherever it was. I do not trust him. Plain and simple. He wants to know where it is to take it. He has lied about everything to everyone. My L is also aware of the car situation and was brought up to his attorney thy be refused to give us just one vehicle back for the kids to have transportation which is why his lawyer was like I'm sure we can take care of that so the kids will have a vehicle. Obviously that didn't happen
The money he took was in March and right before he filed. He waited until we we're out of the country to do it. I made a fraud claim, tried to file with the PD but was told it's civil. That's also the same thing about the cars. Everything is CIVIL because we are married. Even when the boss had the truck without my H I couldn't. Report it stolen because been though it's in my name only he is still my H and he gave them permission.
So my L will be going after that in the divorce. She said it adds to what kind of character he has and judges will see that. Hoping she's right. I'm sure it wil come out in a wash anyway. I offered him 48 hours to return the money before making a fraud claim with the bank and he told me his lawyer told him not to return anything (this was in March)
Okay I'm going to go back and read what else was said and I will finish another post. Please ask any questions if something is confusing. It is all a big cluster!
