I've said almost exactly the same thing that you did - I wish someone who knew him would tell me what to do. Trouble is, when the person you're dealing with right now doesn't seem to be the person you were dealing with previously in your marriage, it gets really difficult to figure out what they might respond to in a positive way. Toss in the pressure of feeling like you're trying to figure out the magic sequence of actions that will make things better and it's difficult to feel like you have any certainty in terms of what to do.
I'd second what mdu said - I think you need to experiment. You may need to get comfortable with putting yourself out there a bit more, but it sounds like your IC might be able to help with that. But keep in mind that you can always start really small to see how things go and expand from there. For instance, if you want him to know that you're comfortable being chased, is there a relatively neutral way you could, say, thank him for his last invitation? That way you've thanked him, you've gotten in touch but it's in reference to something he did, and it lets him know that you appreciated him chasing you.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I sent him an email this morning saying "Just so you know, I still want my space for a while too. But I would like us to be friendlier and more comfortable with each other, if that works for you too. I don't want to be so awkward anymore."
That probably doesn't really call for much response, so I won't expect one. But hopefully we can start relaxing soon.
Thanks everybody.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It has been difficult for me to be warmer towards him because of all the anger I've felt about the last several years. Seeing 25's post to pilot about forgiving for our own well-being, I see that this is my next task. I haven't asked him about himself as a 180, since my complaining he wasn't sharing was one of our trouble points. I figure, he is aware that that's what I want, so I'll wait till he's ready to give it.
Am I on the right track or is there a better way?
Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves before we can forgive others. That's the hard part.
I think the OW thing did knock the pins out from under you. Step back a bit and just let things happen, you'll find your equilibrium again.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
He sent an email back confirming and elaborating that he invited me to lunch because he also wants things to be relaxed and friendlier. He said its hard it get there in five minute conversations.
I sent the email because I had told him in May that I wasn't going to be friendly while he was in contact with OW. Although he would ask about me, etc., I wasn't going to be vulnerable to him under those circumstances and I wasn't going to ask about himself. Now I'm willing to be friendlier, but I want him to understand that I still really need my space too. The work I'm doing to strengthen and unshackle myself is really important to me and I don't want to shortcut it, even for reconciliation. He doesn't know what work I'm doing but I wanted him to understand I'm not just being patient with his need for space, I actually have my own need for it at this time, independently. I didn't want him to misread increased warmth from me as my expecting us to get right back together.
Am I wrong, though, in being hopeful that reconciliation is still on the table?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
He sent an email back confirming and elaborating that he invited me to lunch because he also wants things to be relaxed and friendlier. He said its hard it get there in five minute conversations.
I sent the email because I had told him in May that I wasn't going to be friendly while he was in contact with OW. Although he would ask about me, etc., I wasn't going to be vulnerable to him under those circumstances and I wasn't going to ask about himself. Now I'm willing to be friendlier, but I want him to understand that I still really need my space too. The work I'm doing to strengthen and unshackle myself is really important to me and I don't want to shortcut it, even for reconciliation. He doesn't know what work I'm doing but I wanted him to understand I'm not just being patient with his need for space, I actually have my own need for it at this time, independently. I didn't want him to misread increased warmth from me as my expecting us to get right back together.
Am I wrong, though, in being hopeful that reconciliation is still on the table?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Sorry for the double post, something wacky happened with my phone.
You know, hearing it confirmed that I had let hearing about OW knock the pins out from under me, combined with hearing back from H, was really what I needed today. Also, Claire, your post about your sitch, reminded me how things can change just when we get used to the status quo. (I think it's a positive sign FOR YOU that you can assign some meaning to your H's behavior. It's helpful to have a rational explanation for something that feels so random.)
It's like that parable about the farmer and the horse. Maybe it's good news, maybe it's bad news. Who knows?
But now I feel like -- OK, new normal, I think I know how to conduct myself here. And I'm getting back to the plans I had made for myself before Friday's lunch.
So... next personal project. Learn to function happily in the face of uncertainty.
I think so many of the things I've been struggling with in the last couple of months have to do with my core sense of self and self-confidence.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
