Wife STILL in MLC but has now left #1

[Matt165]

Just journalling a bit tonight.

For some reason I just can't get myself motivated. My D14 is now with her mom, dropped her off at half way point yesterday. Very quiet around here without her, she didn't want to go either. Took her 3 hours just to get ready to go. I really need to do some things like get my stuff finished and mailed out to the IRS but I just can't seem to get it done.

I'm actually missing my W (at least the person she used to be) more then I have since she left. Nothing "new" happened (she was actually very stoic and unfriendly when I saw her to drop off D), I just am feeling a bit...lonely I guess is the word. First time I've really felt that strongly since she left. Been keeping myself too busy for that. I just wasted the day today. I'm not angry at my W which has happened plenty. I'm just out of sorts and missing having her around to talk to.

I really need to get what I need to get done finished and get back to GALing like I had been doing (missed getting out last night because my D took so long to get ready). But first I need to finish what I must get done and every time I start I get distracted and unmotivated.

I almost texted my W that I missed her, if you can believe THAT! (I didn't, not that stupid). First time that even crossed my mind! What is wrong with me! I do not have the luxury of getting all depressed and melancholy, dam it! I need to just wake my butt up and get going! I think I'm just not used to being so alone all the time. In the past there was a limited time I was alone (if the W and kids were going away without me), I knew it was going to end. Now there is no end. Things are not going to change back to anything close to the way they were, that's certain. My W is nowhere near the end of her MLC journey, I'm still having to deal with the D, my D's are still not anywhere close to knowing what's in store for them come the end of summer, I have to deal with the IRS and I need to get moving on my job and make some more cash. That's just the things that are needed to be dealt with NOW, then there's the future once all that gets dealt with.

Yes, I've been getting things done, keeping moving forward, up until now that is. I guess what I need to do is just force myself to start doing that once again. Chalk up today has an "off" day and start back tomorrow. Just kinda hating the way my W has screwed things up (yes, I know it wasn't her "choice", that it's the MLC and she probably feels more lost than me) and hating the world as it stands right now. Well, today has to be the last I let this happen!

[Matt165]

Oh, if anyone knows how to link to my last thread "Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #6", I'd appreciate the help! Thanks!

[Kimmerz]

Hi Matt,

I was just reading your post here. I feel for you because I understand it all too much!

I guess the one thing I've noticed now 3 years post Bomb drop, separation, divorce and now EX getting re married, is that it takes a long time for our hearts to move forward. We may carry on, keep going on with life, living it fully, but our hearts don't always keep up the pace. Our hearts tend to back slide too!

It's the little things we take for granted that haunt us. Like you're saying that if your W and girls were gone for a few days without you, you knew they were coming back. You had someone to talk to. And now, it's too damn quiet!

I too have times like that. Even 3 years later. Im rather short 5ft 2 to be exact. Ex is 6ft. I miss having someone tall around to reach things. I miss having someone big and strong to re arrange furniture. I do miss having someone to help parent my girls.

You grow into it Matt. It takes time. This is the worst growing pain anyone can have but it is indeed a growing pain and it does get easier. And as time goes by, things that might really upset you now, won't be anything but an " oh well" later down the road! And that's such a good feeling.

You're doing well in moving forward and identifying you're feelings. Just don't push yourself too hard! I've pushed myself too hard at times, and it tends to always come back and bite me in the butt later!

[Matt165]

Thanks Kim,
I really needed to hear that. I'm the type of person who, once I make a choice, I stick with that choice. I am very loyal once I am committed. I stay in jobs for long times while everyone else seems to be leaving around me. When I got married, It was "forever", when I had kids I was going to do everything I could to give them the best start in life possible. One company I worked for for 11 years, there were 3 different times when the entire sales staff (15 people) left, but I stayed (turned out that probably wasn't the right thing to do but I was "committed"). For me to turn my back on someone or something I have given my word to stick with is just something I really don't do. Now my W has just turned her back on 25 years of promises and I think it's hard for me to just let it go.

I was fiercely loyal to my wife and very committed to my marriage and family. I guess that part of me is having a hard time letting it go. Thanks again, Kim. I hope for the best for you going forward.

[Kimmerz]

Hey Matt,

WEll sounds like we have alot in common! Im a very loyal person too! Though my marriage wasn't really a marriage at all the last 8 years, and I was aware of that, I was willing do to whatever it took to work things through. But when the other half isn't willing, what can you do?

Im the same way with jobs! Ive been with the same place for 5 years (my first job outside the home after being a stay at home mom for 10 years) and the turnover there is quite high. The place is a hard place to work for, due to a new company buy out and them tightening the rope so tight on finances. Yet Im still there! Ideally I want to leave but with such a small town, Im very lucky to have what I have. However rumor has it there will be a major set back in hours, so Im going to have to find something else for sure. Probably work 2 jobs!

So I understand Matt. I get it. If you have a strong loyalty and commitment to your loved ones, plus many 1/4 of a century of hard work put into it, that;s definitely something to mourn the loss of. And it's not a quick mourning either!

[pbetra]

Just journalling a bit tonight.

For some reason I just can't get myself motivated.

I really need to get what I need to get done finished and get back to GALing ... But first I need to finish what I must get done and every time I start I get distracted and unmotivated.

I almost texted my W that I missed her, if you can believe THAT! (I didn't, not that stupid). First time that even crossed my mind! What is wrong with me! I do not have the luxury of getting all depressed and melancholy, dam it! I need to just wake my butt up and get going! I think I'm just not used to being so alone all the time. .... My W is nowhere near the end of her MLC journey, I'm still having to deal with the D, my D's are still not anywhere close to knowing what's in store for them come the end of summer, I have to deal with the IRS and I need to get moving on my job and make some more cash. That's just the things that are needed to be dealt with NOW, then there's the future once all that gets dealt with.

Yes, I've been getting things done, keeping moving forward, up until now that is. ... Chalk up today has an "off" day and start back tomorrow. Just kinda hating the way my W has screwed things up (yes, I know it wasn't her "choice", that it's the MLC and she probably feels more lost than me) and hating the world as it stands right now. Well, today has to be the last I let this happen!

Matt165,
We are expected to be grown ups & emotionally matured ALL the time, even during times of adversity. To "handle it" ... We're human - not robots, where we can input the ideal commands ... Just because we have fewer issues than the MLCer doesn't mean that we don't have the need to stop sometimes - 'feel our feelings'.

We all have off days, go easy on yourself - you're entitled to an off day occasionally. This is a lot of work for the LBS, & you have been it for awhile! Your brain will thank you for the honest expression & your overall health in the long term will also benefit. You also have the above, in bold on your mind. These are not pleasant or motivating - all with a wife who is stuck in a nasty condition, & you on the receiving end for a long time. Just thinking about would make me feel the same.

It's easy to feel alone, after all, this is a lonely experience for LBS who is immediatley isolated when MLC occurs. And the anger? Whoa! I experienced this recently & this is quite unlike my temperament. There is a reason for anger, we see that re: MLCer. We are made to understand - well I also understand that if I didn't create this hurtful event, I can be angry about it sometimes!


There's always tomorrow - even next week ... depending on the amount of brain dumping your brain needs & resting that your soul needs - as long as you pick up where you left off (as you already know). Bite sizes right Matt?

Have a wonderful day! p.
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ps: I am sorry that you are missing her given the reality of the sitch. Then again lonliness does that - we hold on to .. if you have alternatives GAL, 'GA P' >People in our life', the feeling would be weakened. I too am working on my lonliness, as I know no one in this new place & have no one to talk w /at home. It's a slow process - nothing yet but some e-contacts coming through ...

[Matt165]

Thanks (again) pbetra,
I was able to get most of my IRS stuff done yesterday by sheer force of will. I'm still not back to where I need to be but I'm slowly working my way there. Last night my W texted me. A simple one line about the low price of gas at the local Sam's Club. I texted back a thank you for letting me know and that was it. This is the 2nd time in the last 2 weeks she has done this and it is the extent of my contact with her between dropping off D14 and last week, going to have dinner with her grandmother for her birthday. The odd thing is she doesn't even contact me about things when my D is here. She will text my D14 about when she is going to pick her up and not bother to even text me her plans. When she first did this she said that she figured my D would tell me! You don't use a 14 year old as your messenger or go between! I asked her to please text me that kind of thing in the future but she still won't do it. I just don't understand the MLC mind. What is the problem with letting me know when it does involve me? Does she think I will think she is chasing me or that if she texts when she wants to pick up our D I'll get the "wrong" idea? Such juvenile actions from a 47 year old professional woman.

No matter. Like you, I'm trying to rejump my social life. I allowed myself, like many married men, to lose most of my friendships outside of work.The others were couples and now I just feel so out of place with them. I work an hour and a half from home, so I don't have "hang out" friends from there. I haven't gone out for a week as my D14 was with me last week and I like to spend time with her when she's here. I need to get out and be social! You sound like a smart, interesting person pbetra. I'm sure you will have no problem meeting new people where you're at now.

Again, thanks for the kind words and encouragement. It really does help!

[2BHappy]

Matt, your doing better, take it one day at time, even one second at a time.

Try to have GAL plans when your D is with her mom. Force yourself to work on your "to do" list.

I cannot imagine how I would feel if my H left the house, even with all that is going on, I know it would be a different type of adjustment.

Focus on yourself, your D and your work.

[Matt165]

Thanks 2B,
It's a hard adjustment and I'm still getting my feet under me. I was actually better at GAL when my W was still at home. I think maybe it was that I felt that someone would be around with my D14 when I was out. Now I just seem to be less energized after coming home from work.

I've been keeping up with your thread and it seems like as you become more and more detached, your H is feeling less pressure. I have my fingers crossed for you and your family!

[2BHappy]

THANKS Matt,

Not sure if your a praying man or not, but it has helped me ALOT.