"What do you want? What does your life look like?".
Can you accept where your Husband is in his journey? Can you be patient? Can you be on this rollercoaster and still portray the best Busting?
These are serious questions you need to ask yourself.. and darlin.. it's completely okay if your answer is No.
I find that we tend to get frustrated with our partners for not meeting our expectations when in actuality - they have never given us a reason to believe that they would.
Instead we need to accept our reality and if it is something that we cannot or do not want to handle or it is something that defies our growth and who we are as new people - it is up to us to change the situation.
So your husband has stated that he still wants to talk to OW. That he wants to move in but not be romantic.
How do YOU want to respond?
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Busting, it is great to hear from you! I was wondering what was going on with you. Somehow I knew that you would come back with the positive update that things are moving in the right direction. I agree with Job, it looks like he is slowly reconnecting. He must be one of these people who have very difficult time to admit their mistakes. He just doesn’t know how to proceed.
I also expected you to react the way you reacted to this development. I probably would be the same way, angry and scarred at the same time. I know you probably want him to give you yes and no answers to everything, but he hasn’t figured out where he is at this time. I think there is a strong pull for him to rejoin the family, but there must also be enormous amount of gilt. I’m curious what that text from OW was about. If he said that the affair is over and they are not friends, what kind of business does he still have with her? Is she pursuing him? Does he keep occasional communication to help him not to feel too guilty on both ends? It is like he justifies for himself that the affair was not that big of a deal.
Anyway, I’m just so happy for you. The things are progressing! I know there are difficult times ahead, but I also know that you will figure it out.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Val- (((())))) I do want to give this a chance. My family barely got started before this all happened, and for many dark nights and days, it was my kids that kept me going forward and nurturing my understanding, belief and faith in this stance. I would not give up a chance to bring my family back together.
As for his statements about wanting to contact the OW and not being romantic with me. After letting some of this settle, it seems that these statements may be more of the teenage defiance of MLC. I say that not with naivety, false hope or expectations. His affair ended two weeks ago, It's all very raw and very new and he is still not out of the tunnel completely. I am sure he does not want to be told what to do, especially by me, and as for separate bedrooms, again I perceive this as him still not being able to say that maybe he made a mistake.i don't know why there is contact. Maybe she is still pursuing. Maybe, as Bright said, he is trying to play down the significance of the affair, or maybe this is not the true end of it. Time will tell.
I am not saying that everything will fall into place. I am not at a place of trust ( and neither is he) and I am alert and cautious. Optimistically cautious perhaps. I know that him telling me the affair is over is a big step for him to perhaps start the building of trust. I do feel it's still early days and that right now the last thing he wants to do is look as if he has given up his independence or rather, that he will be controlled. Defiant teenager.
I think I can do this. At least I know I am going to give it my best and most sincere and humble attempt.
Bright thank you so much!! ((((((()))))))) I feel very connected to you..I always have. Let's continue to watch how this unfolds. I am checking expectations and plan to focus on my life as it is still. Staying in the present and being mindful.
Job thank you for your advice on listening politely. I remember that. And will remember that this takes patience and more time.
Heather - yes he was. As for what I know ( I never spoke to him about his R) they stopped living together last summer. It was always a bumpy R.
I need to still let go. Let go from the 'who is he talking to', the ' what does this mean' and the 'what is he thinking now'.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
PLEASE be careful, Busting, and don't let this man back in until he's ready to be fully transparent with you. You've worked WAY too hard to get here, and a little more time (spent sticking to your guns) isn't going to kill you.
Thank you Starsky. ((((((((((())))))))))And thank you for your supportive words. I have worked hard and am not willing to give that up . I will heed your words of caution. Where I am right now, I am not willing to have anything but full transparency in my life. It's taken a long time to get here and I won't sacrifice authenticity in my life or for my children or family.
((((())))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
We haven't spoken really again but said we would. In the meantime he just told me that he isn't going to change his mind ( about moving back with his family) but there are ' a lot of things we need to talk and agree about first'. My response was ' ok, just remember that this is going to take time and patience for us both and for us to be comfortable. Be patient with yourself and and love yourself'
He said he understood.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
And Heather thank you for yours too... You made me smile.
A little tidbit - I found a text from him today asking me ' be honest, have you been playing with my phone?'
Me: no not at all. How come?
Him: my phones been played with, messages deleted, etc
Me: no, I wouldn't do that. I honestly respect your privacy and want to build real trust. Thank you for asking me though and not assuming. I am sorry that happened.
Now, he seems pretty grumpy. Oh well.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
