Saving my marriage by focusing on ME!

[Oxford1]

Ox, I recommend you stop all mention of OM. Don't think about him. Don't talk about him. If she brings him up, put your hand up and say you don't really care to hear about him. If she continues walk out of the room.

I say this because you keep harping on about OM. Forget him. He's a controlling a-hole and your W even admits that. Just let it be. The A, even if it's now only an EA, will die a natural death. Stop poking it. Just let it die on its own.

So by not concerning yourself with OM anymore you are going to free up a whole whack of thinking time. Use that time to work on yourself.

And while you're at it, don't concern yourself where your W is. She's a free person and an adult and can make her own choices.

This will free up even more brain time for you.

All of us in these sitches need to learn to detach. That means working on yourself and GAL. Stop worrying about what she's doing and who she's with. You have no control over her.

I know I have no control over my W. The only thing I can control is me and even that's a major challenge. So I control my thinking. I control my words when communicating. I try to control my feelings. And when my W comes to me to talk I listen intently, trying to understand what she's saying, and trying my darnedest not to react with anything but appropriate validation and/or empathy. If she's pushing my buttons I'll put my hands in a T shape and ask for a time out. Then I'll go outside and take a few breaths and once I've collected myself return to the conversation.

Your W expects certain reactions from you when she says things - those are the reactions you are in the habit of making. Do a 180. React totally differently when she says things. This will take some trial and error, but it's needed in your sitch.

Your MC says you need to become the husband your wife wants. I disagree. You need to become the man that any wife would want. Then if your W doesn't want you, it's her loss. (paraphrased from Sandi's rules: become the H only a fool would leave)

You are so right on!!

She came to me this morning and asked if I was Ok, I just smiled at her.

Then after I returned from the Gym I went into my home office to get some work done hoping she would just go toork and leave me alone.

she came in my office and told me where she went and what she did. I just listened.

I realize the POS keeps her out as late as possible to try and rile my feathers. He is trying and trying to get me to go Postal on her.

I do believe this EA will die a natural death. She is starting to push him into the friend zone.

My S16 came in and made a comment that the clothes she had on yesterday reminded him of a school teacher not what she usually wears. She said I did not want to look sexy...so of course I aksed the "did you sleep with him" and she said No way thats not going to happen no matter how hard he tries"

Its a mixed reaction, its a question a girlfriend my ask, but at the same time I believe it reiterated that he is not respecting her boundaries.

After reading your post and rereading all my Sitch I said to myself...OX that is the last question you will ever ask her related to your Sitch!!!

[Cadet]

After reading your post and rereading all my Sitch I said to myself...OX that is the last question you will ever ask her related to your Sitch!!!

I hope so.

[Oxford1]

After reading your post and rereading all my Sitch I said to myself...OX that is the last question you will ever ask her related to your Sitch!!!

I hope so.

So I am not pursuing etc.

Actually when I got home she actually seemed happy to see me.

I have a question when it comes to not planning any dates with her.

She asked if I wanted to go with her to dinner next week?
Is this setting a date or is it ok because she asked?

[Oxford1]

I was told by an outside source that when WW says to me " how are You" or texts it to me ( which she tends to do every few days) that I should reply with;

" My wife has a boyfriend"
In a calm relaxed kind of flat affect type of tone.

Opinions?

I have my own but I am curious what the more experienced DBers and even Newcomers think...

I would love to know what former WW's think of that comment.

Thanks
Ox

[Ggrass]

Mmmm, my gut would be that will make him seem nice. Be nice ox, read my thread in new commers, I was nice and I scared a little old lady into hiding.

Be nice, be the bigger human it's more fun by far. Being ok nice and normal is not what Ww and families who support them expect or want. They want you harping, they want you acting badly hurt etc do not give them the power to choose for you. Truely.

[Starsky309]

Sure, why not. That or "Nanna-nanna-boo-boo," that works well too. Or maybe "I know you are, but what am I?"

Sure.

[Oxford1]

Sure, why not. That or "Nanna-nanna-boo-boo," that works well too. Or maybe "I know you are, but what am I?"

Sure.

Ok, that was what I thought...thanks for justifying my opinion.

[Oxford1]

Mmmm, my gut would be that will make him seem nice. Be nice ox, read my thread in new commers, I was nice and I scared a little old lady into hiding.

Be nice, be the bigger human it's more fun by far. Being ok nice and normal is not what Ww and families who support them expect or want. They want you harping, they want you acting badly hurt etc do not give them the power to choose for you. Truely.

So I made her and s16 dinner etc, she's telling me all these plans for us.

She makes me a cup of tea I lean in to kiss her cheek and she pulls away and does uh uh, not on the mood.

So I think of the other night when she said she's " monogamous" so I said oh I guess still monogamous but to other man, she said no asexual to everyone ( I get anxious about the pulling away because she kept kissing and hugging me on Monday and last night she went to dinner with OM and got home pretty late.

So I looked at her and she said Ox we were in public we were not even holding hands...

So stupid dumb arse me said yes but I'm sure you gave him a nice kiss good night , she says I don't want to discuss this.

So I told her remember what the MC said I can ask you questions to make sure we both honor the boundaries we set.

Her reply...there you go again with the higher authority....

My MC said she says this as does OM because they are acting like to teenagers...

I just have to walk away from her when she tempts me...

It just really hurts when one day she's all over me and the next she rejects me...

[Oxford1]

Ox, I recommend you stop all mention of OM. Don't think about him. Don't talk about him. If she brings him up, put your hand up and say you don't really care to hear about him. If she continues walk out of the room.

I say this because you keep harping on about OM. Forget him. He's a controlling a-hole and your W even admits that. Just let it be. The A, even if it's now only an EA, will die a natural death. Stop poking it. Just let it die on its own.

So by not concerning yourself with OM anymore you are going to free up a whole whack of thinking time. Use that time to work on yourself.

And while you're at it, don't concern yourself where your W is. She's a free person and an adult and can make her own choices.

This will free up even more brain time for you.

All of us in these sitches need to learn to detach. That means working on yourself and GAL. Stop worrying about what she's doing and who she's with. You have no control over her.

I know I have no control over my W. The only thing I can control is me and even that's a major challenge. So I control my thinking. I control my words when communicating. I try to control my feelings. And when my W comes to me to talk I listen intently, trying to understand what she's saying, and trying my darnedest not to react with anything but appropriate validation and/or empathy. If she's pushing my buttons I'll put my hands in a T shape and ask for a time out. Then I'll go outside and take a few breaths and once I've collected myself return to the conversation.

Your W expects certain reactions from you when she says things - those are the reactions you are in the habit of making. Do a 180. React totally differently when she says things. This will take some trial and error, but it's needed in your sitch.

Your MC says you need to become the husband your wife wants. I disagree. You need to become the man that any wife would want. Then if your W doesn't want you, it's her loss. (paraphrased from Sandi's rules: become the H only a fool would leave)

So this was forgotten In that brief interchange above

[EmmaB]

Mmmm, my gut would be that will make him seem nice. Be nice ox, read my thread in new commers, I was nice and I scared a little old lady into hiding.

Be nice, be the bigger human it's more fun by far. Being ok nice and normal is not what Ww and families who support them expect or want. They want you harping, they want you acting badly hurt etc do not give them the power to choose for you. Truely.

So I made her and s16 dinner etc, she's telling me all these plans for us.

She makes me a cup of tea I lean in to kiss her cheek and she pulls away and does uh uh, not on the mood.

So I think of the other night when she said she's " monogamous" so I said oh I guess still monogamous but to other man, she said no asexual to everyone ( I get anxious about the pulling away because she kept kissing and hugging me on Monday and last night she went to dinner with OM and got home pretty late.

So I looked at her and she said Ox we were in public we were not even holding hands...

So stupid dumb arse me said yes but I'm sure you gave him a nice kiss good night , she says I don't want to discuss this.

So I told her remember what the MC said I can ask you questions to make sure we both honor the boundaries we set.

Her reply...there you go again with the higher authority....

My MC said she says this as does OM because they are acting like to teenagers...

I just have to walk away from her when she tempts me...

It just really hurts when one day she's all over me and the next she rejects me...

What plans was she making for you?