1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 2

[mdu]

I am thinking through two possible paths to follow in the near term and curious for feedback:

option #1). Essentially Train's plan. Say nothing about OW, keep things light and easy. Spend fun, flirty time with H in an effort to reattract him. Given this will likely be very tough for me to STFU about OW, especially since she will be in the office with him starting next week, I will try this for one week and reassess. For support to help keep me on track I have both a DBing and an IC appointment next week and, of course, I will post here constantly

option #2). Lay a boundary with H regarding OW now being in the office. Tell him that it's too difficult and painful for me and I can't spend time alone with him or together with the kids until he's willing to discuss how we can make this situation more comfortable for me with a marriage counselor. (I'm thinking we probably really need a marriage counselor to help us navigate through any further discussion about OW).

option #3). Combo. Do option #1 for as long as I can stand it then move to option #2.

Thoughts?

[Maybell]

MDU, I'm wondering a few things here.

1. He moved out quite recently. May 1st. But he's already spending a lot of time with you, planning dates, having fun, etc. I can't remember where I read the post, but it semis to me a while back that Sandi wrote about her experience as a WAW, that she initially came back out of a sense of duty, and that it took her quite a long time to feel 100% committed to the M. She was even a little resentful for a while. You seem to have an unusually bold squirrel, but... He's still a squirrel.

2. Your panic about OW is totally reasonable and understandable. If my H's co-worker OW so much as showed up in town for a conference, let alone moved into H's office, I'm not sure I'd be able to keep my s#!t together either. But as you can't do anything about it, it seems like you're going to have to find another way to cope.

3. You have one failed reconciliation after a brief separation under your belt. You haven't been separated that long and you've spent a lot of it reconnecting with H, which I know probably puts you into a very distracting tizzy. How much time have you really spent thinking about what YOU want from a relationship? I realize you're working on your anger issues and everything. But have you thought about what values and needs of yours weren't being met in the M? Because this isn't all about your anger and your H's A. Your anger came from someplace. Do you feel like you understand that piece?

4. If your financial needs are being met and your family is relatively stable for the moment, and you and your H are getting reacquainted, then what is the purpose in rushing that process? If taking your time and getting to a place where you both are mutually enthusiastic about being together increases the probability of not finding yourself in this place again, then why would you want to shortchange that?

I totally understand wanting to be through this stretch of the forest and seeing your family reunited. BELIEVE me, I do. But you are sounding a little controlling in wanting to force all this commitment and transparency on him and it seems to me that even the boldest squirrel would run off if you kept hurling the nuts at him like this. He has been tremendously generous (it sounds from here) in describing ways that he will distance himself from her. You can't keep him lassoed to your side, nor should you want to. That would be no fun, and would deprive you of the thrill of his company when it is given freely.

I'm rooting for you, MDU, and I appreciate your good advice to me for my lunch date yesterday.

[mdu]

Thanks Maybell. Appreciate the input.

"How much time have you really spent thinking about what YOU want from a relationship? I realize you're working on your anger issues and everything. But have you thought about what values and needs of yours weren't being met in the M? Because this isn't all about your anger and your H's A. Your anger came from someplace. Do you feel like you understand that piece?"

I agree, I need to give this more thought. I think IC which I start later this week will help.

"But you are sounding a little controlling in wanting to force all this commitment and transparency on him and it seems to me that even the boldest squirrel would run off if you kept hurling the nuts at him like this. "

Here's where things get really confusing with him. He asked, multiple times, for my transparency plan. He's been wanting clarity from me. But then it seems I give it and things sorta backfire. Or maybe what I need to accept is just because he wants to see it right now doesn't mean he's ready to adhere to it, kwim?

[Maybell]

Yes, I think that second thing about the transparency sounds reasonable.

It may also have been a test to see just how demanding you were going to be.

But I wasn't talking quite so much about the transparency plan as about your previous post asking how you could boost his commitment to the M. I think the answer is, you can't. He has to get there on his own. I see it in your sitch, in Train's, in Thornton's, Ben's, and even in mine, incomplete as it is.

But he is clearly moving in that direction, so I suggest you let him move there at his own pace and stop talking about the marriage as though reconciliation had already happened, rather than being a place you're moving towards.

Does that sound reasonable?

[mdu]

Yes, that's sounds reasonable. So, so tough but perfectly reasonable.

H is already backing way off. It's freaking me out, of course, but I'm trying to keep it together. We had done a few things together with the kids and had a fantastic time and he just sent me a text he does not want to do that anymore because he's afraid it confuses them. I'm not saying that I disagree with him, it's just another painful signal that we're further away than I'd hoped. Also, I can't help but fear that he's backing away because of OW and the newfound potential for that relationship now that she will be so close. I keep thinking "he's going to see what happens with her next week and see if there's still potential for them"

[Maybell]

I'm sorry that's where you're at but I don't think it's totally bleak.

Also, thinking all this about his motives related to OW is not constructive. It's entirely possible that he wants to return to the family but doesn't trust himself around her. There are about a million other possibilities that could explain the messages he's sending. This is why mind-reading is so destructive.

I want to repeat how new your sitch is. It's only four months since BD! You still have a lot of roller coaster ride left. I've just passed the one year mark since BD, eighteen months since the beginning of my H's affair which only just ended apparently a couple of weeks ago. And he's only seen her in person four times.

Your H is going to go through this. It is going to stink. Do not make my mistake and try to keep him too close. Give him enough slack to find out what this would really be like. As long as no one is pursuing a divorce and your children and home are stable you have the gift of time. If those things change it will be clearer what your course of action should be. For now, your course of action is to loosen the rope and take care of yourself.

Labug told me recently that when her H went haywire she just removed him from her personal equation and let him "go on walkabout." That sounds like a good path for you, too. I have heard a lot about your anxieties but much less what kind of person you are, and who you want to be. This is an outstanding time to search that out. Your sitch is NEW. I didn't realize how new till today. Your story sounds really familiar. Don't make the mistakes I did. This could be really good for you.

[Starsky309]

4. If your financial needs are being met and your family is relatively stable for the moment, and you and your H are getting reacquainted, then what is the purpose in rushing that process? If taking your time and getting to a place where you both are mutually enthusiastic about being together increases the probability of not finding yourself in this place again, then why would you want to shortchange that?

.

I don't see MDU "rushing the process" so much as I see her trying to PROTECT and NURTURE the process, and rightfully so. She has every right to be concerned about new, daily, close-quarters contact between her husband and the OW at this early stage in their reconciliation. Even purely PHYSIOLOGICALLY, it's a problem, as the contact is going to cause her husband's brain endorphins to start juicing again.

This is one area I do NOT see this as just " ol' mdu, being all emotional." There is a ton of excellent infidelity research and experience that makes it very wise to be so strongly against allowing the pyromaniac to be working daily amongst the matches and the kerosene.


Starsky

[Maybell]

I don't see her as just being overly emotional. I just think she can't control this. She's done what she can and needs to relinquish the idea she can control -- watch and see what choices her H makes. They are certainly in a treacherous place. He did the damage while OW was away, so proximity isn't the only factor in play.

But I defer, Starsky, I'm in the forest and you can see the trees.

[Wonka]

MDU,

Remember "act as if"...act like you and H are reconciling.

I think your transparency plan made a lot of sense BEFORE you received the news that the OW was moving to the office. Then it will have to be modified to suit the reality on the ground: minimize contact at the office. I mean, it is unavoidable that there will be work meetings or work groups.

Of course, it will stir up feelings in H and he is correct in that he's not sure how he'll react to having OW in the office. Let him process this news and it will take time for this to settle down.

For this reason, I would give H some room to figure this out himself and allow him to come up with solutions. Again, as I said before, you don't want to have H on a too short leash...that is a very fast way to build up resentment in him because he'll perceive it as control and he'll bolt.

option #1). Essentially Train's plan. Say nothing about OW, keep things light and easy. Spend fun, flirty time with H in an effort to reattract him. Given this will likely be very tough for me to STFU about OW, especially since she will be in the office with him starting next week, I will try this for one week and reassess. For support to help keep me on track I have both a DBing and an IC appointment next week and, of course, I will post here constantly

This is a good plan and it has been working all along.

It is very CRITICAL that you maintain control of your emotions otherwise it'll all come flooding out of your mouth inappropriately and it'll set you back. [Notice that I did not say suppress or deny your emotions for they are there.] You want H to feel COMFORTABLE around you knowing that you'll not go off on him at every event, phone call, or other encounter. That's a big, total turn-off in even good marriages.

No more interrogations! Tattoo that in your brain, MDU.

I am encouraged that you're seeking another IC next week and I do sincerely hope she/he is a solutions-based therapist who can assist you in understanding and managing your anger.

Hang in there! This shall pass soon.

[Wonka]

We do encourage you to cultivate forgiveness, compassion and good will toward H in your interactions with him.