Frustrating, isn't it? I think a lot of people on here feel that exact same way and would love nothing more to show OS the new you. I know I do. We can only hope that by consistently demonstrating our changes, that they'll eventually be noticed. And if not? Well then we've become a better person regardless. Nothing wrong with that!
Yeah I understand that one. I don't even care about the changes right now, just the fact that the problems almost seem easy to fix, or at least more so than a while ago. I am very much into the married for life thing, but I know my mistakes were part of this as well, that makes it worse to know I caused the M breakup(my half), but then I look at myself and say why, and can kind if get a decent answer now. Just keep praying for one day of clarity from the W as well.
Planning a Bday party for my oldest D this weekend. Bday next weekend, but they are with W, so I figured this weekend just as good. Only to be a kid that gets 2 Bday parties how cool would that have been? At least that's what I'm telling myself to mitigate the pain. But I am sure she will love it none the less. Having some very weird July weather here in the Midwest though. It was 55 degrees this morning, almost cold. Going to be that way all week, I told D's I would take them swimming this weekend, but kinda chilly for that!! We will see though!!
A very boring day at work, but I must say that I haven't been focusing so much on the stich as normal. Maybe I will kept from the hospital and not certified crazy after all. I can at least hope anyway!!!
I dropped girls off didn't say much, just hi, and have fun with the girls. About an hour ago she texted that she was becoming the family doctor, and her Gpa wasn't doing very well, don't know how much time he has left. I waited until just a bit ago and sent one back saying, I hate to hear that he is a good man, I hope you can enjoy what time he has left. She sent one back saying, Ya :-( , and that's a sad face.
The reason I say this, her Gpa and I were super close, I lost both of mine at a young age, and he and I were both old country boys. We clicked from the get go. I have a lot of respect for that man, and to think I could miss anything if something happened is hurting something bad. I so wanted to text, what's wrong, what's going on, but I didn't. Puts a year in my eye and an ache in my belly. Always seems like something happens during these separations, be it sick family, or something bad. I wish him well though!!
I haven't initiated any contact for about 2 weeks now. No relationship talk for that long either. I am getting to the point, that I don't think we can be saved. All of this stuff may be for naught, but it's getting to where I can forgive myself and accept what happened, and that it doesn't matter about her so much. The divorce word doesn't make me shiver anymore, and I am even thinking that I will have to be the one to do it.
I am not saying I give up or won't just continue on my journey. However, I am getting to a point that I do want to move on with my life, and don't really know if I want her in it or not anymore. I love her, and always will, but is it the right kind of love? Can I be happy with her? I just want to be happy, and my D's to have a good life. I am getting more comfortable that I can give them that from me alone. It's so hard to want to keep fighting, but yet move on. It will get easier, but trying to figure out those answers are going to be a bit consuming.
W is out of town this weekend, makes it easy not to contact. I feel a bit better about everything, it's like the overwhelming feeling of guilt, and shame is going away. I am finally forgiving myself and wanting my life back. Yes I want her back, but can see that I want the version that is good not this one. I am turning a corner, and can really see why things are the way they are. And yes I want her to do the same, but know deep down that ain't happening anytime soon. So I might has well be happy right? I haven't felt this good in a while, just want to know happiness and what life is all about. Hoping to get there, thanks for all the help on here and suggestions.
