Maybell: Chapter Four

[Eatsma]

Maybell -

Have you read much about MLC? Jim Conway's book Men In Midlife Crisis describes very much what you've just described. It's a little bit bible-centric (Conway is a minister) but I still think accessible to those who are not religious.

Just curious.

[Maybell]

I go back & forth on MLC. I haven't read the Conway book. I read a lot of The Midlife Wives Club and H started a midlife book around the time of BD but said it wasn't resonating for him. From the first moment of BD I thought he was MLC but he's been so mellow (except Mothers Day which was AWFUL) that I wasn't sure, and wasn't sure it mattered.

[Eatsma]

Does it matter? I'm really hanging on to it a bit because it seems to make sense of the crazy FOR ME. That said, it also gives me real hope that this is truly temporary and a phase--much like a child's phase.

Just a thought!

[Meghan]

Oh, Maybell, you've very eloquently put into words some of what I've been seeing with my H., too.

I get the shoot the messenger thing. I was also wondering if you felt like perhaps you had tried to fix or accommodate for the feelings of defeat or lack of confidence?

These are hard realisations to have, but I hope they help you to make a bit more sense out of the situation.

[Maybell]

Meghan, I hadn't noticed the feelings of defeat till everything blew up and I was in no fit state at that point to do much, or for him to receive much from me.

However, our entire marriage has been one long statement of my confidence in him. I've allowed myself to be carted all over the country in pursuit of his career goals. I've told him how impressed I've been with his many achievements. I ran our household and let myself be backburnered while he pursued an MBA -- and not only pursued the MBA but class officer and highest gpa in the program. That included going into labor with our second child alone while he studied in the next room (he was in the delivery room for the last couple hours but left the next morning to go to class).

If he's feeling a crisis of confidence now, that's on him. There is nothing more at all that I could do to make him feel differently. I've been his biggest cheerleader for eighteen years.

[Maybell]

^^^^
That sounded kind of bitter.

I HAVE been his biggest cheerleader for 18 years. I have done everything I knew how to do to let him know how thoroughly I believe in him.

Apparently either I wasn't reaching him, or what he's looking for isn't from me. (I think the second one is more true, though perhaps truth in both statements.)

Either way, the message I want MEGHAN to hear is that I'm not responsible for his self-confidence, except to the extent that I can validate him when he shares with me. Beyond that, that's his growing to do.

[Meghan]

Thanks, Maybell - message received!

It's hard, as you said earlier, not to feel frustrated and cast aside when all you've tried to do is be a resource for the person. I've been playing this role for a long time (although not as long as you), and it's a challenge to get out of the habit, but the only one who can take him through this journey and figure this stuff out is him.

That sounds like an awful lot of sacrifice and support on your part over the years. I think I sacrificed quite a bit too, although my support has taken the form of enabling rather than cheerleading (although there was some of that too when he's applied for jobs or tried his hand at writing). But at this point, he needs to sort out where he's at, how he got here, and what he wants to do about it on his own.

[labug]

I think you're asking all the right questions, Maybell. Sit with it all, the answers will come but it takes patience.

It seems that right now you're in a "I want answers!" phase.

When I got to those places, I'd ask myself, "What would I be doing differently if we were Dd? What would that change?"

I would still be the mom, I would still be taking care of my house, I would be buying groceries, going to work, seeing friends, hobbies, meetings, trips. I certainly wasn't ready for a new R.

I just took him out of my personal equation.

So I lived my life, left H to his walkabout and I thrived.

I found me.

Slow down, let the answers come.

[Eatsma]

Labug,

That was just what I needed today, thank you.

[Maybell]

Well, lunch today. Just ended.

There wasn't much purpose to it. Apparently he just wanted us to have a conversation since we haven't really had one since the beginning of June. I'm not holding my breath for another one, but it was pleasant enough that he probably will ask again in September or so, if I stay dim.

He wants to buy my youngest brother a wedding gift, which I thought was nice. I just told him where they're registered and didn't give him any more information.

Also he made a point of telling me he "wasn't seeing OW anymore" that he'd ended it a few weeks ago because it was distracting, a bad idea, and wasn't going anywhere.

Then he made a point of saying that it didn't change anything, he still wanted time to himself. He asked if I was still seeing our C. I said yes, that he was really helpful. I asked him if he was going to start seeing him and he said he wasn't ready yet, he still needed time to himself. But he wasn't closing the door to the idea. I just said OK.

I'm all over the place here. On the one hand I want us to heal everything and get on track ASAP. No discussion of divorce. No hint that he is still open to reconciling (not that I expected one... just anticipating the question). I was worried he'd ask what the lawyer was up to, but he didn't mention her. On the other hand, the bitterness I feel about all the ways in which I was neglected in the last ten years is startling to me and I don't know what to do with that. Clearly that will need to be dealt with before I can think of reconciling myself.

We did have a decent casual conversation about what books and television we've been engaged with. He's going back to reading the authors that were his favorites pre-A. Probably 2/3s of the conversation was about the kids and parenting issues. He asked a bunch of questions about how to handle things and I just kept saying "you're in charge when you have them, you can figure that out."

I haven't made a total priority of validating him because... I don't know. My eye is more on myself than on DBing, I guess, I don't want to do all this work towards getting him back before I know that's a good thing to have. So telling him repeatedly he could make parenting decisions without me was almost as much validation as I had in me. (as in, every time he asked how he should do x, I said, he was the parent, he could make those decisions without me. this happened repeatedly.)

Bug, I have mostly been working to just live my life without him. I have a nice week planned with friends, and as soon as I finish here I'm going to go research how to rent a kayak in my area, and I plan on spending one day, at least, on the water. I will look around for other things to do too but I have a lot of projects planned for my at home time as well as outings with friends so I don't want to overbook myself.

I am kind of glad he broke things off with OW on his own and isn't ready to come home yet. I would have felt TOTALLY like Plan B if he had dumped her and come straight home to me. Slow and steady is better, for sure, for both of us. But S6 this morning said this morning that he thought H got his own place so he could play video games he didn't want the kids to see and it kind of broke my heart. I fell on my sword and said again, "No, Dad just doesn't want to live with me anymore," and when S6 said "But why??? You're the best mom ever!" I just said "Thank you, you're the best S6 ever!" and left it there.

S8 is the only kid who hasn't yet hypothesized why H moved out. I'm worried about him.

Closed the afternoon with another stiff one-armed hug which I hate but is better than no hug, and now here I am.